Dilemma - Al-Anon Family Group

luvsapd · Newbie

Dilemma

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

ugh!! don't know your work or how embarassing all this could be? sound very difficult.,,

someone with more life experience than me may have a suggestion.

I offer my support and ((hugs)) because I don't know what to say except you shouldn't have to worry about this right now!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HI MELISSA WELCOME TO MIP

I AGREE THIS SOUNDS LIKE A DIFFICULT SITUATION.

THE WAY I SEE IT, YOU HAVE STATED YOUR POSITION AND HE HAS STATED HIS. THE NEXT THING I WOULD DO WOULD BE TO:

KEEP THE FOCUS ON MYSELF, SEE WHAT MY MOTIVES ARE IN NOT WANTING TO BOOK THE ROOM FOR HIM. THEN I WOULD ASK HP FOR GUIDANE AND THEN LISTEN TO THE "STILL SMALL VOIE WITHIN" . TAKING CARE OF YOU MIGHT JUST MEAN BOOKING THAT ROOM.

I WOULD TRY NOT TO LOOK AS THIS AS A "FIGHT "OR AS A TEST OF MY STRENGTH AND DETERMINATION. I WOULD LOOK AT THIS AS A DELICATE SITUATION THAT I CAN EASILY SIDE STEP BY MAKING A CONSTUCTIVE CHOICE.AND REMEMBER THIS HAS LITTLE TO DO WITH BEING "STRONG" IT HAS TO DO WITH TRUSTING HP, ASKING FOR GUIDANCE AND THEN ACTING IN YOUR OWN BEST INTEREST.

WHEN YOU RETURN I URGE YOU TO LOOK UP ALANON FACE TO FACE MEETINGS IN YOUR COMMUNITY. HERE YOU WILL FIND SUPPORT, UNDERSTANDING AND A NEW WAY TAKE CARE OF YOU.

GOOD LUCK

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Melissa,

Welcome to the boards :) This is a difficult situation.

I totally agree with what Betty has outlined. If your motives are true, what is in your own best interest? Sometimes when faced with a difficult decision all we can do is turn it over to our HP. When I am now faced with those choices I really need to evaluate what is going to do the most damage to me on a spiritual level (is my heart true and clean with my motive). My AH will tell someone straight out that if I tell him I'm not doing something for him .. I'm not doing it. This past year has been testing and establishing that I mean what I say. I'm also able to see where he needs help AND if he asks I will do the extra for him. That's what works for me and how I feel good about the choices that i"m making as well. I know that I didn't do it for him and if I do he has asked me to. I don't mean he's demanded, expected, accused or whatever he asked and was courteous. That is a boundary for me. I would do anything in the world for him, except being treated like a doormat is not a motivator for me.

The face to face meetings are amazing or at least the one's I attend are they have offered me the opportunity to grow in ways I didn't know possible. I encourage you to seek the meetings out and see what works for you. You are not as alone as you feel in this any many other situations.

Hugs P :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I wonder how he knows to show up at your room anyway? Can't you book it under some name he won't know or think of? At a different hotel, perhaps?

My take on it is that if he knows where your room is and expects to sleep there, then he'll show up at the room and you'll have to throw him out, and if he never believed you'd do it, he really won't have another place booked and he may very well make an unpleasant scene on the spot. An awful prospect! If I were in this position (your position), I'd want to make an end run around this by booking a room he'd have no knowledge of. I'd probably tell him, "As I said, we'll be rooming separately for the conference, so I've gone ahead and made a reservation elsewhere. I'm just letting you know so you can book your room before the conference rates expire." Then I'd wash my hands of it. I think I'd also change flights so I wasn't going on the same one as him. It sounds as if he doesn't have any boundaries and it could be all too easy to be sucked into capitulating or having to have a real quarrel in public, both of which would be very stressful.

Best of luck in figuring this out. Take good care of yourself.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

The boundries you have set do not appear to be disrespectful by what you have said.

Yes he may cause a scene at the conference. HE may, you will not. His actions are not your actions.

I always remember what Tom said.... "What other people think of me is none of my business".

People at the conference will see you saying no to a drunk man that is separated from you, a guest speaker not less, asking to sleep with you. They may see a strong woman holding her self worth and knowing what she wants from life.

Offering him a cushion for a soft landing does not leave him with a bruise to consider as a result of his actions.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Melissa - I'm thinking of my ex, how it would be, what path I would take - I think I would book him a room of his own. I would consider it worth it to just hand him his reservation page and walk away. I'm one who avoids conflict, especially in that sort of situation so I'd not be the big bad wife denying him a place to stay. But that's me. good luck whatever you choose.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

After many years in Al-Anon I'm looking at the picture and wondering why he would choose the park bench or the lobby if he had the choice. Wonder what choice he will make when you allow him to make it for himself. You're not his mother or his care taker and he is one of the "men of the hour" speakers. Must mean he is a person thought of to be of substance. Allow him to exercise it while you practice that two letter "whole" sentence...No. How magical...two letters and a whole sentence. Don't even need to attach anything to it like a justification why you're saying it and making the choices for yourself that you are. He's gonna need some moxie and where-withalls to live life the way "he" wants it...might as well start now HUH? Go get the sissors and cut the apron string he's clutching on to. Might as well help him walk the talk as soon as possible.

It's also a healthy diet for you cause immediately you will lose all of that extra weight of ugly fat! marvelous!! Okay this last one is a bit sarcastic and then from where I came from...just a bit. LOL

(((((hugs))))) smile

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Perhaps a firm "No" is in order and giving him the dignity to figure it our for himself where he will sleep. Easier said than done. But feasible.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Melissa,

Take yourself out of the bubble....ask what is the best thing I can do for yourself....and then do the next right thing....what ever that entails....with no second thoughts.

HUGS,
RLC

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I liked what linda said. I was going to say what mother told me, you don't have to be embarassed by anyone elses actions.

If I also liked hmmm who ever said to get a different hotel or trade a room with someone. He does not have to know where you are. You can surely call the hotel. let them know your situation changed and you need a room for just you.

It may be no big deal for someone to trade rooms with you.

His mo is manipulation. HE asked to be single, so he can be single. You are only giving him what he asked for.

NO arguement. YOU don't have to acknowledge him in any way. He is the wind.

I know it is old stuff but I still like the shame on you words. Shame on you, you made your choice...uno?

let us know how it goes. love,deb

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the most helpful phrases I learned here was to Say what I mean , Mean what I say and dont be mean when I say it .. Its not your problem if he has no where to stay , make it perfectly clear that he will not be staying in your room. Hes a big boy he will figure it out for himself or not . the hardest part of this for me was sticking to the boundaries I set for any relationship , words mean nothing If I dont follow thru . Louise

2nice4_2long · Member

When I have to stand up to someone and defend my boundaries; it helps to have someone I can call and they can continue to convince me I am doing what I want. Without a strong support; I would buckle under the pressure and let him in. So, I would confide ahead of time in a trusted friend (or alanon member), and ask if I can call them any time day or night during the conference. I would explain that their position should be to convince me not to open that door no matter how loud, sad, pathetic and convincing the whining is on the other side. I am not very good at maintaining my boundaries; but I do better when I have a strong support system in place; someone detached who can remind me of all my reasons for taking care of ME.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there, I am hoping you are attending Al-anon face to face meetings. I think you have gotten great ESH and all I can add is if you don't respect your boundaries he never will.... My exAH has taught me that he will push because I used to give in. Now I don't give in, he barely pushes anymore. It is nice to be taken seriously after all these years and to feel secure in making my own decisions and standing by them. You will know what is right for you and stick with it! Keep coming back!

-- Edited by flopadopilus on Tuesday 11th of October 2011 09:27:47 PM

luvsapd · Newbie

Hi everyone...thanks for all the words of wisdom. I have been going to f2f meetings when I can (a couple a week) which are helpful and am bringing some numbers with me to the conference that I can call for support if needed...that was great advice! I also have a great network of non-alanon friends.

I have stuck to my position with him that my room is mine but decided to compromise and offered to cover another room for him at a neighboring hotel (I know he has no money...part of his irresponsibility) and it makes me feel better to make the offer and know that he will have a place to stay and won't be knocking on my door - treating him with kindness and compassion (feeling a tad less angry lately). Again I feel I'm still maintaing my boundaries but...23 years together...like hotrod said, I think that I've concluded that taking care of me meant at least making the offer of booking the room for him...

Then tonight he says he's thinking of driving down instead of flying or changing his flight and flying home immediately after his presentation "for the kids"...that would make it easier I guess in terms of the dilemma...and the cynic in me thinks...was he just waiting for me to offer a solution before presenting his own...or am I getting paranoid??? *sigh*

I'll let everyone know how it turns out...

rrib · Senior Member

Must to tough to try to continue to work with a spouse while in the middle of a breakup.

I don't think, I'd be able to handle it myself. Whatever money might be involved wouldn't be worth it to me. I think I'd have to choose between either I'm DONE or I'm NOT DONE.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

If it were my ex, or my addicted sister... I would say he is seeing that you are sticking to your boundaries and is playing the poor me card.. see what you are making me do... I now am going to change everything

In my experience, if an addict doesn't get their own way,they make it into a huge drama and a big 'thing' so they can have a sense of martyrdom, and achievement when theysorted out the problem. The reality is they created the problem in the first place through their behaviours and inappropriate actions.

I acutally am guilty of being the same at times.

My thoughts now particularlywhen my sister starts it is.. go with it. If she says all these major changes of plans because I have said no to a simple part of it, I just let her go and tell her what a great idea she is having. She usually ends up sorting it out for herself. If nothing else I have given her something different to complain about.

AGain.. what other people think of me is none of my business... I so loved that one thanks Tom... it has been a lifeboat for me.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.