I am so very grateful for Al Anon.  If it wasn't for Al Anon I would be freaking out right now.  My husband went back to detox on August 30 and back to rehab for the third time in less than a year on September 2.  He came home on September 27.  We went away for a lovely 4 day weekend from September 30 to October 3.  We were out of town, 9 hours away from home, and he found an AA meeting to go to every day that we were away.  We came home and things were looking good but on Saturday this weekend, he picked up the bottle again.  I became incredibly angry but rather than lashing out or feeling sorry for myself and hiding in our bedroom, I went to an Al Anon meeting.  Sunday morning there were more promises of not drinking, he went to a 10:00 AA meeting.  Things seemed okay until around 6:00 last night.  It became obvious he'd been drinking again.  I can't explain it but the second that I realize that he's been drinking, I change.  I don't want to talk to him, I just want to watch television or read a book.  I don't want to be in the same room as he is in but I don't want to be away from him either.  He becomes incredibly annoying when he drinks, asking me questions and when I give one word answers responding with sarcastic comments.  Then he starts to tell me what he knows I'm thinking.  It's irritating and nothing that I do short of leaving the house will make it stop.  But last night he gave me peace for about an hour.  He became convinced that I was going to leave him and just sat in what I perceived to be terror mulling it over.

Woke up again today with promises to hit meetings and not drink.  I told him this morning that I love him, that I don't want to leave him, that I understand his alcoholism is a disease but that in my opinion each of us, as mature, responsible adults, needs to address whatever issues we have and work on them.  I told him that I thought about it overnight and that I will not leave him due to his alcoholism.  I reiterated out loud that I knew it was his battle to wage, and that even though I wouldn't leave him, I am going to continue to live my life, go about my business, and make the best out of what I've got to work with.  I also told him that I am no longer willing to get involved in the trips to the hospital, the process getting into and out of rehab or any interactions that involve the police due to his drinking.

But it's 1:15 and he's already been drinking.  He drove me to work this morning and then had to go back to our neighborhood to park the truck but because it's Columbus Day, finding a parking spot on the Upper East Side is nearly impossible.  I told him several times to just go ahead and park in a lot, we'd have to just pay the exhorbitant fee and find parking tomorrow.  Instead, he drove around for 2 hours getting more and more irritated, buying a bottle and drinking it.

So I'm at work right now.  He called me to tell me that he got into an argument with a pedestrian in the street (while driving, presumably drunk) and that the police were called.  He was crying, said he had messed up. He said he remembered what I had told him this morning and that he would handle the police himself when they got to the apartment.  I'm not really sure what (if anything) happened - he may have been testing me, or looking for attention.  I'm not really sure.  Our super is replacing the bedroom door today (the existing one is riddled with holes and is basically hanging on the hinges from my husband locking himself in the room drunk and not being able to get out).  My husband called 5 minutes after the call about the pedestrian to tell me that the super was there and was no longer crying, was his confident self.  I asked him to tell me again what happened with the police and he said nothing, it's fine.

So here I am.  At work.  Not running home to find out what the heck happened.  Not calling, emailing or texting everyone I know asking what I should do.  I'm only able to do what I'm doing because of this program.  I'm not sure this restraint will last all afternoon, but at this point I'm taking it 5 minutes at a time!  I have my evening planned with an Al Anon meeting followed by a trip to the gym.  I don't expect to get home tonight until after 9:00 P.M.  I'm trying to push the anxiety of what I will find when I get home aside and just take care of business.  It's very, very difficult, but I'm trying.

Thanks for allowing me to unload that and post it.  Getting it out in the open reinforces my ability to keep it together.

I am truly blessed to have had such an outlet as this!!