The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I used to come to this board a lot. My AH is not an admitted A. He blames his alcoholism on the long-term prescribed use of a benzodiazipine. He also cold-turkeyed off Effexor. Some of you might remember my posts about a year ago. We had separated, but I let him return after he quit those drugs, b/c I was determined to try one more time. Anyways, here I sit two years later. Since February he remained in bed, barely getting up to interect with his children (he could get them to and from school for awhile, but that eventually ended). He insisted he was sick from the "benzo-withdrawal". There is some evidence to this on the Internet, however my husband did nothing to help his recovery (not eating right, still drinking some, no exercise, no therapy, stopped AA, etc). He was (and still is) sure that time will heal him. After about three months of suicide threats, I finally told him I couldn't live like this anymore. I sent him away and he went to stay with his parents. After three weeks he cut his wrists. He ended up in the psychiatric unit and has been there for two weeks. He was diagnosed with Psychotic Depression and possible bi-polar disorder. I have visited him and tried to support him, but I have refused to allow him to come home for visits. He refuses to believe the diagnoses, believes time will heal his benzo withdrawal (no improvement in almost two years), plans to quit all drugs the minute he is released. Today he called and begged me to take him back. I tried to speak as gently as I could and explain that I just can't live this way any more. My days consist of worrying about whether he has killed himself, should I let my kids enter the house first, if he is on the bathroom too long I need to check under the door for blood. It's hard being a single mom with him in the house. He adds to my burden. I feel beyond AWFUL for leaving him at time like this. I KNOW it is a mental illness and I fear God will judge me b/c of my vows "in sickness and in health". But I just can't take this anymore. I am a teacher. Each day (before he was in the hospital) as the students left, I would feel a sense of foreboding seeping in. By the time I headed out to my car, I was fighting tears. It was everything I could do, not to turn the car around and just drive away from everything (which I would never do b/c of my children). I haven't felt that hopelessness and fear since he has been gone. I still love him. I still want to help him. But I have almost lost myself in this mess.
I am not sure what my point is here. I needed to vent. But I was also a little curious if there were others on this board whose alcoholic also has a mental illness. This is the Canadian Thanksgiving and I am cooking for the normalcy for the kids. It's so depressing, peel a few potatoes, have a cry. Cut up a squash...have another cry. I KNOW I am making the right decision for me and my children. However, I feel tremendous guilt b/c I KNOW he is mentally ill.
I sympathize with you! I battle over the vows I made to my husband regarding "sickness and health" just about every day. It's so difficult. You are handling everything phenomenally! I'm very impressed with your program and your self-care, and also for your dedication to your children and your husband. It's very hard to sit and watch someone you love doing exactly the opposite of what he needs to do in order to get better. For your own sake (which is as valuable as that of your husband's) and for your children's sakes, keep moving in the healthy direction it sounds like you're heading in. Rest assured that your higher power, a forgiving, kind, sympathetic force, will help you get through this, whether or stay with him or not - you're entitled to a break and I firmly believe that we were NOT put on this planet to suffer, but to love and enjoy. I hope your Thanksgiving celebration gives you the opportunity to love and enjoy as much as possible! Sending you peaceful, healing vibes!!
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
It is ok not to take care of him. Mental illness is bigger than us and that is why we have professionals. It is ok to make the decision to take care of yourself.
I am sure the both of you took those vows. He must have made the same promises. In my book, and from the little you have said, I can't see where he is loving you in your sickness and in your health. It is a two way street this marriage road.
I left my psychotic partner. The guilt is amazing. I got over it. The father of my daughter (deceased) is paranoid schizophrenic. It was a bizarre life and I am sure he blamed his illness for the death of our baby girl. He went right off the rails. I could not continue to live that life. Yes he is sick, yes it is not his fault per se, it is also not my job to take care of him. He was in and out of the psychiatric hospital many times. I got to the point that I could estimate the day he would be taken away to the very hour just by a single sentence that he would say.
My life was becoming unmanageable. It is very sad and hurtful and difficult, but honestly, it is beyond us quite often, when a person we love is so sick. They need the help that is available to them through professionals.
I found it made me unwell and unable to cope with life. I was near suicide myself and I was yelling and screaming at him quite a lot. Many people thought I was the crazy one.
I dropped him off at his mothers house and drove away. He contacted me and we saw each other occassionally. It was very sad. I helped him get his own little unit. The day he got the rent paid, I told him that he is settled now and he has to live his own life. WE both cried and hugged and said we loved each other, but I walked away.
Ihave no idea where he is, or if he is still alive. Every few years someone in my family got a phone call, or 7 degrees of separation would kick in and someone would know him or something. That has not happened for anumber of years now. I wish our lives had been different, but they weren't.
OUt of all my relationships, that one is theone I get sad about. But it had to be. The guilt is hard, but living that life is harder.
Another thing to consider is that although he's mentally ill, he's also making choices about it. Many people have mental illnesses and take their medication and do what they can to manage their symptoms. But he refuses. If you offer him an escape hatch, he may continue the old ways of denial even longer. So the best way to take care of him may well be to say "You can't live here any more because I can't trust you'll follow your program." (And even if he vows to do it, your experience tells you you can't rely on those promises.)
I think you have to be right in putting your children's needs above his. Children don't have any choices in these aspects of their lives. Adults do. Your primary job is to protect them. That's what you're doing.
