The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I have too much on my plate. AH and I are planning on buying a new home as our home will need about $30K of work soon because of it's age and because of HOA guidelines about exterior paint colors, etc. We figured we'd be better off just putting the money into a newer neighborhood and newer home.
I've been in intense therapy for the past 2 months now to deal with childhood trauma that I never properly processed, EVER. AH has been wonderful and supportive emotionally but I'm very weary some days and have been having nightmares and trouble sleeping because of the memories that are being brought up. Anyway, I feel so overwhelmed. He still binge drinks at times(he's currently passed out on the couch watching a Spanish news show, LOL) and I am doing my best to remember that he's still a great dad and he's being a very supportive spouse right now. He's not being passive aggressive(if anything, I am because I'm so on edge lately), he's sort of helping around the house more, he's making an effort and he's handling this house thing better than I am. I just wish I could get him to cut back on the drinking. Not just because of the drinking itself, but because he's gaining weight. I knew he'd gain weight on the antidepressants but it seems like he's gained a LOT. You'd think he'd stop at 2 beers and realize that the weight gain isn't going to go away if you drink 6, duh. No, he just doesn't care and I think that's also part of the side effects of the antidepressants.
Not sure why I'm posting tonight. Just needed to vent and let it out, I guess. I'm exhausted from fighting my own demons. AH recently said that he didn't realize how messed up I really was and that I had never 'dealt' with those awful things from my past. He said that he thought he was the messed up one, LOL. Well, now that he's calmer and not a verbally aggressive bully, I can finally work on these things for myself. Wow, some days I wish I wasn't, though. Anyway, if you've read this far: Thanks!
good on you for doing it. I have tried a couple of times, my husband gets worried and doesn't like it because I seem to get 'worse' when I try to address the issues.. he sees me upset and scared and sad etc etc and doesn't like it at all. I have to find a good counsellor to do this with I guess.
Good on you for posting.. keep working on you and you will be great.
I have been doing work on myself lately and understand how hard and tiring it is it is so much easier to focus on others than look at what we need to fix in ourselves and face our pain.
First things first is hard for me to do to prioritise what is my responsibility.
My ABF also did not realise how sick I was they have to much of there own stuff to deal with I think this is how we come together because we are as sick as them.
Today I am in al anon trying really hard to focus on me and deal with my stuff its hard.
He has gone back to AA after another slip we are not having contact because we are both so ill we need to be apart to focus on our own stuff. Thanks for your share and reminding me to mind my own business, this is the only way I canget better and hopefull our A,s will deal with their own stuff that is up to them.
I only have to look at my mum to stay in al anon she tell my dad what he can eat, what to watch on telly. I want a husband not another child. take what you like thats for the reminder.
I'm so glad you posted an update and things are going well for you. Trace, Face and Erase it's the best any of us can do. It kind of sounds like you are so busy with you that you don't have time to really focus on him!! It's really amazing the things that happen when we do put focus on ourselves.
Hugs P : )
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka, my problem now is that I can trace it, I AM facing it, but erasing it will take time. I have so much anger at my parents for putting me in a position where I was molested by a babysitter's teen boy and his friends(I was 7 at the time). When I finally told my mom last month about what happened she asked me why I hadn't told her. Ummm, I was 7, I thought I'd get into trouble, and I was scared. Then when I was in college I was raped so I have come to realize that I don't trust men, go figure. I had also blocked out the memories for years until I was raped in college and then things came flooding back. When I met my AH, I didn't really understand that my passive behavior and other personality issues were a result of my childhood.
I'm also dealing with confronting my parents about how they pretty much abandoned me when my sister was battling leukemia. I don't resent my sister for her cancer but as a child I believe I deserved some communication from my parents. They pretty much shut me out and never asked me, "how are YOU doing? Do you have any questions about what your sister is dealing with? How about we spend some time together?" My parents were wrapped up in their own pain that they figured I'd fend for myself in my own ways, which I did. I adapted(poorly), I adjusted(no skills), and I pushed through life(I had no choice as time marches on). So, here I am now in a very sick relationship, married to a very sick man. We are both working on attacking our demons but I know it's going to take time.
Up until the past 2 months I had told no one except a good friend and my AH about my troubling past. Recently, I went out for coffee with my friend and she said that she is so glad that I am in therapy. She said that she prays for me often. She said that the way I blew off my childhood events and how I tried to make light of them didn't seem healthy and it bothered her. I told her that I had shut off so many of my emotions to protect myself from getting hurt again and again. I didn't cry at my grandmother's funeral(she was hit by a car as a pedestrian) or any funeral for that matter, nor did I cry when we put 2 of our dogs down. Our vet cried, my AH cried, and I just stood there. I turned myself into an emotionless zombie so that I couldn't FEEL anything EVER. So, now that I'm working on these demons, I cry a lot now. It's really weird because I'll just have this flash of a memory and I'll just have to sit and have a good cry. Sometimes it's cathartic, other times it's a real pain in the arse because I'm at the grocery store or something, LOL. Anyway, I think I have a long road to travel so I figured if it's the right time to sell the house, my past will always be there and I can keep dealing with stuff as I go along even as we move homes.
Hugs you ARE dealing with a LOT. I'm not ever going to minimize someone else's pain because pain is pain. It's ours we own it and it just is, something I have come to discover is no matter how much I revisit the past ( I told my mother and I was in my teens and told I was imagining things and it was my fault if it actually did happen. Our relationship has never been the same since that time. I was on my own in my own mind. ) it's not going to change the outcome of the situation. I can't go back looking for a better outcome. The past is never going to change. I can see it, feel it, and stop giving it power (when you are ready, which that's a LOT to carry around emotionally and you are feeling past stuff that should have been dealt with and processed). It DOES get better though, that's what I want you to know is as much emotional baggage that is going on YOU will get better as this stuff filters through your emotional processes. I fully understand what you mean by emotional zombie. I'm still processing things, I don't have to stare at the past anymore (my reality is my mother was wrong, I accept that and I don't have to choose to allow my present or future to be tainted by things that are past tense. I don't need to minimize what happened, why give the perpetrator that kind of power over me all these years later? He wins and I am the looser in my life, relationships and so on) and I know I have support through my HP. I am struggling to find that relationship and define it closer to my heart now. I still have sever trust issues. My children will probably never visit my mother without me present until they are 18. That is MY choice no one else's. It is how I cope with continuing to have a relationship with my mother.
It does get better, just keep coming back :)
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
