The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm in a funk. So far this year I've been able to keep it together and even help others who have troublesome marriages. This week it's my 10th year anniversary, and my heart is on the floor. He wanted to go out to dinner and a movie, but I don't want to be around him at all.
He went to Target and brought a watch (told him I don't wear them years ago), a laptop computer case and accessories. He bought a card. I didn't get him nothing. I feel so jipped out of a life. I feel 10 years of my life were taken and I can't get them back. I don't see it getting better, but worse. I have my health, a new career, and am doing so many things to stay busy so I dont have to think about what never will be. I am working hard to get out of this funk, but I want to cry. I have no energy, no desire, nothing brings me joy. It's sad in a way because I know of others whose lives are worse, but to feel so empty and trapped . . . I just have to say it here because no one else understands.
He suffers from "depression," but I don't see it. When he is with others he becomes animated. I get his garbage mentality day in and day out, not the best of what he is capable of. I think he uses those pills as an excuse to do nothing and to validate why he "can't" do anything. I'm tired of watching him watch TV 10 hours a day while I work, clean house, and cook, and try to encourage him. No one does that for me.
I usually stay far away from him, but for him to expect us to be so happy for 1 day is too much of a stretch for me. I know no one has the answer and others are dealing with worse stuff. Just need to get it out of me before it eats me alive.
Aloha Gladysq and thanks for the memories of what it use to be like for me at times also. The "at times" is key to my memories because of the program I use to think that it would never change for me and that what I used to depress me would be permanent.
I learned to change and then changed. Gratitude for gratitude's sake was powerful...expressing thanks for what I received just because someone took the time and effort to bring it to me.
Compassion for what was different to me...and being non-judgemental so that I didn't think in terms to black or white, right or wrong and allowed myself to practice acceptance.
I remember the new thoughts and practices of "going on with my life" and knowing that I would grow without abandoning myself or others. I also have learned how to participate in her practices and be present "with" her rather than "for" her and balance that with being there for myself without her at all. I have the ability to do that and don't need the permissions. I exercise my abilities when I want to exercise them.
"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY" Sis...they are important!! So how are we going to celebrate it?
you said.. I want to cry. I have no energy, no desire, nothing brings me joy. It's sad in a way because I know of others whose lives are worse, but to feel so empty and trapped . . . I just have to say it here because no one else understands.
oh, others in alanon are the only reason I feel sain at all and yes, they seem to understand as no one else can..
What I want to say about your post is....what was said to me that helped
YOUR FEELINGS MATTER!!! You are not being selfish to feel what you feel... yes others have it worse but this is BAD to you!! again YOU MATTER...
Gosh this disease makes us discount ourselves so much!!!
Please love yourself the way you would a friend, you probably wouldn't tell a friend that was struggling with what you feel that "others have it worse" give yourself permission to feel what you feel...
not at all to discount your feelings but rather to help you out of the sadness ... it helps me to make a list of all the little and big things I am grateful for in my life...then focus on how to build on those.. depression hurts so much! I do understand!!
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 9th of October 2011 09:09:34 PM
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 9th of October 2011 09:13:17 PM
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 9th of October 2011 09:15:15 PM
Oh boy, I can relate. My AH can sit in front of the TV for hours upon hours and then gets mad at me because I'm flitting about 'doing' things. Umm, well, someone has to feed the dog, do the dishes, fold the laundry, vacuum the floor, etc. He has his moments of pitching in but for the most part I feel very alone in taking care of the family and the home. I remember thinking the same thing as you: Why is it that he can be so engaging with other people or while at work but at home he dumps on me and shares his cynicism, sarcasm, and depression with me?
My AH is now on antidepressants and things are about 80% improved. It's giving me a chance to work on some very troubling issues from my childhood that I shoved down for years because I spent my entire marriage walking on eggshells and manipulating my behavior around his attitudes and actions. So, in some ways things have gotten better. Unfortunately, he is still binge drinking and doesn't see a problem with it even though he's on 2 different meds for his depression. So, I take a break and come on here. I read. I pray. And, I make every effort to detach. No matter what your AH is doing or not doing doesn't mean you MADE him do it(whether that be watching TV for 10 hours or binge drinking for 5). Find ways to fulfill yourself, find a meeting, get some good counseling, and focus on healing yourself. I have found recently that I don't notice what he's doing so much because I'm working on healing myself emotionally and spiritually. It feels good, yet it's been h*ll for me because I'm reliving traumatic events and it's affecting my relationships with people in the present day. Hang in there! One thing my therapist said a few weeks ago that really stuck with me: It's OK to have feelings. They aren't wrong nor are they bad, they are what they are and you are ALLOWED to FEEL them!
I get crazy when I try to "figure out" why my ex A seemed so 'charming' around others and seemed to discount or ignore me but I want to say "ditto' I've experienced it too.
The most hurtful part of that is when I would ask or mention this to him it would turn into one of those crazy making arguments..
I'd ask why he had more energy or interest when interacting with others,, he'd say I was insecure and jealous, I'd defend myself explaining over and over that no I wasn't jealous just noticed he didn't have the same 'energy' toward me..
and all of a sudden we are not talking about his dismissing me we (or rather I am talking) about wether or not I'm a jealous insecure person and he's dismissing me more...ugh!!!
I think I'll make a point to "sweep" this out of my mind and do something positive today! I can feel myself slipping big time!!
-- Edited by glad on Monday 10th of October 2011 10:05:08 AM
