The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex just left with a truck load of his stuff, about 75% of it. While he was here his phone rang with "my" ringer (the archies singing sugar sugar) he tried to tell me that it was a guy friend of his - he still thinks of me as that gullible? Yeah, that one hurts. I'm sitting here trying to recover my emotions so I can go back to my day and keep moving forward. I know it has to be this way because anything else sucks the life out of me. During the process of loading I kept singing "harden my heart" by Pat Benatar - was doing ok until that darn ringer - oh well - then we hugged at the end and I couldn't stop the emotions from taking me over so I left the room, he left - I'm sure crying himself because somewhere in him he does care - just doesn't care enough to go to AA and save it.
Side note: he commented on his "friends" who never seem to be there for him when stuff like needing help moving comes up - those friends who he turned his back on me for, drinking buddies that told him he doesn't have a drinking problem, here, let me buy you a beer......
His last words to me before leaving was "for what it's worth, I'm sorry" - and I didn't say what I want to say - it ain't worth a hill of beans you blankety blank blank blank - you threw our marriage away so you can have all the beer you want, all the drunk hunting, all the sitting around drinking with buddies whose only reliability in your life is you can count on them to not show up when the chips are down - you being sorry is worth NOTHING to me! You made promises to me that opened up my heart and I let you into my life and then you destroyed it all for your right to drink your precious beer so being SORRY now is worth NOTHING to me.
But I didn't, I just went to the bathroom and sat down and cried. Saying anything like that would only have lessened me - and, it isn't HIM that did it, its the disease and the disease doesn't care and ISN'T sorry.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I am sorry, I know it hurts, it does get better ... I promise..YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!!
You physical body and your heart "crave" what you feed them..if you smoke your body craves cigarettes,, if you eat junk food your body craves that BUT if you retrain your body and mind it begins to LOVE healthy things and positive things happen naturally.
I am trying to retrain my emotions to love healthy interaction with my higher power, myself and family...when I master that we will see what higher power has but for now that is really really making me happy.
I share this to promise you YOU will be okay, however you choose to retrain your heart and mind.
I have no reason or understanding of the "bond" we feel to them.. when they bond with only the bottle..
For a while till your heart feels better you might consider making sure your thinking and acting with your head and allow your heart to feel what it needs to feel, it's okay to be sad for a while.
I hope you won't take the months and months off from your life that I did.
For me it took a long long time and many useless "reconsiliations" or second trys to get anywhere near emotional independance ...please take all the time you need be very easy on yourself and if you can get the face to face support of a sponsor who is really a good match for you ( I initially chose one who had stayed with her A and still had all the problems that I felt I couldn't live with in her life this was a wrong choice)
I guess I may have been looking for someone to show me how to tollerate it even though eventually I realized her path was not for me. So with that said I hope you can find a sponsor who is similar to you, has reached the kind of goals you want for yourself and can help show you how to find peace and serinity through a higher power and belief in your own self and your own brain so that you can feel empowered in your life.
I am by no means in a 100% stable place in my life but I do know that my choices are mine now and I don't have to wait and wonder if someone elses decisions actions or feelings will make me happy.
I don't have to put up with my brain trying to "understand" insanity anymore.
I don't have anyone in my life withholding love, choosing drink over me or acting like they are there for me and really never being present in our life. I won't try to determine how to fix it,. make it better or be good enough for them to want to live life with me ... I am good enough just as I am at this very moment... I matter!
I matter more than beer-- I PROVED IT to myself by MY actions- WOW very unusual for me to care about my own view of myself but now I do!
YOU matter YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! I promise YOUR AWESOME...JUST AS YOU ARE!!!
I am living life each day without regret but I had to repeatedly push him out of my mind literally I pictured a huge broom sweeping away thoughts of what if and maybe if I... I still have to force my self to learn new mental habits and I still have to break out that broom from time to time.
BUT occationally I go on with my life without having to try so hard..sometimes it comes automatically..and even if it takes years more for that to always be automatic...at least now I don't have to try so very hard everyday.
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 9th of October 2011 02:47:27 PM
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 9th of October 2011 02:56:40 PM
-- Edited by glad on Monday 10th of October 2011 05:13:29 AM
Just sending you lots of love and support during this difficult time. You work a strong program, keep taking care of yourself.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Your experience echos the experiences of so many others who venture to this site and through your words they might find they too have legs to stand on.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
