What would I do knowing what I know now... I would make sure I was ready to stick to it (that would be needed because it would only cause me more drama to be back and forth about it) I would quickly prepare a secure plan and be emotionally strong with strong support by finding a sponsor to talk to and maybe talk to some one in AA in person too and then I woud do exactly what you already know in your heart is in your best interest.

Strength and happiness to you! 

I'd try to remember that I am not responsible for the bad decisions someone else makes. Changing the locks was the other thing that crossed my mind.

I have had to do this with my partner it was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do.  At the moment he is staying with someone from AA I am sure they can help him a lot more than I can.  I too feel guilty because I know he is sick but I have to get past that and do what I need to for myself, my sponsor used to tell me I was not given my life to donate to another we are all responsible for ourselves.

My ABF always finds somewhere to stay they are  very resiliant alsay a stint on the streets my be there rock bottom sometimes us trying to help keeps them sick.

take what you like

hugs tracy xxx

From my experience it was a painful thing to seperate and I was back and forth and each time it was more painful... then HE finally got it together financially..and HE didn't want to come back that time and wow was that painful....brought to mind..did he always just use me for money and a place to stay the answer is probably yes,,, and yes it is a hit to my ego that he made the final decision to not come back this time even though I orginally asked him to leave...BUT I am ever so thankful to my higher power that My A did reject me finally..I might have been back and forth forever!!! 

BUT bottom line HE IS STILL DRINKING and EVEN if he wasn't his road to recovery would be long..he won't just be emotionally normal overnight... SO therefore due to my time limit of how long I wanted to wait for a happy life to begin...being OVER.. and my not wanting to invest another day, month or year in the idea that MAYBE things would change... NONE of it matters 

I am currently working through forgiving myself for wasting 7 years of my life on something I knew wasn't good for me anyway It is a process for certain.

I am better off and have a better chance of being happy without him...IF he happens to experience miricale and get better and then be with someone else ..okay.. I have much more of a chance at a happy life NOW than waiting and wondering...

I'm going to stay connected to this group for reinforcement. When he's ready to leave detox, the phone calls will begin and I will be deemed a cold-hearted 'xxxx', in his opinion. Along with the help of friends, I'm listening to Phil Colins song, I Don't Care Anymore and I just picked up a book entitled Codependence and the Power of Detachment. How to set boundaries and make your life your own. :) I can make it this time!

Nancie, so glad you have found us.  I hope you can get to some face-to-face meetings too?  We need and deserve all the support we can get for this hard stuff.

I was sure that my Alcoholic would end up living under a bridge after I asked (=told) him to leave.  He had almost no income, was chronically disorganized, careless, dishelevled, drunken, and irresponsible.  Well, it's eight years later and he's still got housing.  A lot of them are a lot more resilient than they look.  One of their strategies is attaching themselves to capable partners (or family members) and playing the helplessness card.  If that seems to fail, they try the "you're a heartless so-and-so" strategy, the anger and blame strategy.  Some people have jobs to give them a place to live, their daily "job" that gets them a place to live is helplessness and blame.  When that stops working, they move on to another source or they start supporting themselves.

Obviously this doesn't hold 100%.  Some alcoholics really are homeless and in bad straits. We can only hope that that will be their bottom, where they realize that that means something has to change. They know what they have to do to take those steps.  AA is freely available.  Sometimes when we make their landing too soft, we delay that. Letting them feel the consequences of their decisions can be helpful.

pinkchip wrote:

---

doesn't like the other options which would be to go to some sort of halfway house

---

 Good point, pinkchip. And staying in a controlled envirronment could be a good thing.

Oh Nancie!  My heart goes out to you...

I once had to be enlightened.  "An active alcoholic/addict, with no job, no friends, no family, no car, no money, and no where to go?" Sounds like they have so much going on for themselves and absolutely love you so much... that they want to share ALL of it with you!"  

Al-Anon does not support or oppose any decision you make to take care of yourself, and we will be here to support you as you heal, learn and grow, regardless of whether you stay/leave, or the alcoholic in your life stays or leaves.  We try to refrain from giving any advise that is not solidly based in our own personal experience and hold out to you the hope that regardless of what the alcoholic does or doesn't do, you can get healthier, thus make healthier decisions, and take healthier actions in your own behalf.  

As many on this board know, I am the founder and director of Miracles In Progress, which includes aftercare recovery homes, (half way house) for men in early recovery.  So, many times I get a call from a family member or loved one, who is trying to still "fix" the mess the alcoholic has made of their life.  They are making the phone call, asking the questions, willing to pay the bill to get them into the home.  Yet, more times than I care to admit, I have to work with them (the family or loved one) before I can work with the alcoholic.  "If you don't change what you are doing, why should he?"  "Being his safety net to keep him from hitting a bottom with enough force that he might finally stick when he comes into recovery, is not helping him at all."  "Sounds to me like you might not understand that you could be loving your alcoholic to death... literally."

The alcoholic drinks, gets drunk and makes a mess... and goes to detox.  Often as not much more than an escape route, or make shift rescue mission until they can smooth talk their way back into the good graces of the untreated Al-Anon; who lives with fear, guilt, shame, embarassement, anxiety, neglect, financial despair and is riddled with crisis, chaos, confusion, and conflict.  

I speak to you now from a very real place of experience, as both a recovering alcoholic (with over 20 years sobriety) and a member of Al-Anon with over 14 years of learning how to live my own life, take better care of myself, and letting go of the toxic, unhealthy attachments in my life, so I too can detox from my own addictive rescuing, fixing, controlling, and trying to salvage everyone but myself, while I am drowning in the dis-ease of alcoholism... without even haven taken a drink!

The only way I can personally do this is to "detach with love".  Allow there to be a specific amount of distance between me and the source of my own illness, for a substantial period of time.  Then something happens...

The alcoholic finds their own path... be it to the rooms of recovery, or back to the bottle.  To the road that guides them towards learning how to do the "Adult Swim", becoming responsible, accountable, and considerate people, or back to the place of seeking out their next unsuspecting target.

Two people in a alcoholic relationship, in the absince of a strong 12 step recovery program being utilized daily, is like two tics without a dog.  They tend to literally suck the blood, (life) out of each other.

I can't save someone else, or help them learn to do the adult swim, while I am drowning myself.  I can't help someone else get well, while I'm still sick.

I have to let them go, for the sake of self preservation... learn how to swim in the adult pool of life myself and get healthy....

Then I might ask myself the hard questions... "why is my sense of self worth, self love, self dignity, and self respect, so attached to this person/situation that is so needy?"  Why do I keep settling for less than what I want, need, and deserve in my life?" "How has my thinking, feelings and behaviors played a role in the quality of my life, or lack thereof"?  "Who assigned the role of caretaker, fixer, rescuer to me?"

With all the Strength I can muster, I suggest in the strongest of terms and truly Hope you will find your own path in this situation and let it guide you to the rooms of Al-Anon in your local community.  This is where I found a lot of answers, where I learned how to move away from the problems and start working on the solutions.... solutions that worked for me.

John

Your words have meant SO much to me! Most of these things that you've posted I already "know" but putting them into practice is another thing. I have decided that I am done sacrificing my life for someone else. I am going to tell him today that he can not come back under ANY circumstance. I feel so free!

Send a message where he is and say do not come back here, in answer to your question, then add a lock or two on your doors.

He won't get it together until his has to. When we take them in we are doing them NO favors.

Hugs! deb