The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A year ago, I never thought I'd be posting something on this forum. In fact, I didn't know that alanon existed. But that would have been just before meeting what I thought was the man of my dreams.
At first it was funny. He would get drunk and do silly things and we'd tear it up on the dance floor. We fell madly in love as we shared beautiful moments eating dinners, dancing and chatting.
As we got more comfortable with one another, he began drinking more and more. I couldn't understand what was happening. Why did he have to go to the bar? Why did he choose that over an evening with me? Why did he come to bed hours after I did, so drunk he couldn't take his own clothes off?
I still didn't get it. And I loved him. And sober, he was amazing. Loving, kind, thoughtful, beautiful.
We moved in. I still didn't understand the obsession with the drinking. Things got worse. He became agressive and angry when he drank. He would leave me alone on date night to run to the bar for shots night with friends. He spent all his money on booze.
We took a romantic trip to Europe. I spent the first day there alone because he drank too much moonshine that he was bedridden for the day.
I was in denial. I didn't want to believe the truth.
We moved to a new city together 6 weeks ago so I could go back to school. I said: okay, new city, new surroundings, no more drinking. He agreed. We planned to train for a triathlon and get fit.
On our third night in the new city, he was supposed to go and spend some time polishing his resume. I did my own thing only to get a call from him two hours later that he needed to be picked up. He had gone to the bar alone to reunite himself with his best friend - bourbon.
So, I left him. I literally dropped him off at the side of the road and said I can't do it anymore. I don't want to marry an alcoholic and have a family with this never-ending drama and pain. I walked away but that was six weeks ago and it's still killing me.
I have no idea how this happened but I am supposed to go see him and his family tomorrow. He wants to work things out and I am petrified. I do miss him. Like crazy.
I sometimes try to talk about this to friends but I feel like they just don't get it. I wish I didn't know what I know how about all of this but I do. I guess I was just hoping to connect with people who get it. Thanks for reading.
I hope you consider finding a local alanon meeting in your area. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. There are so many wise and wonderful people here on the boards that will share through their own experience, strength and hope. It does get better. We get better and that's where it changes. He's going to drink or not drink the question is what are you going to do?
Please keep coming back and I so very strongly encourage you to find a meeting in your area and go.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Your right our friends just don't get it. One has to live in it to get it. I do understand what you are have been through. I was in denial for years as the desease progressed and over time my life became unmanageable. The disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It's a progressive disease that continues to get worse and I became as sick or sicker than the alcoholic in my life without realizing it. Frankly, I was lost and didn't know which way to turn. It dominated my thoughts and made me say and do things no sane person would ever say or do.
Like you I had never heard of Al-Anon. A little over six years ago someone suggested I try Al-Anon. I had nothing to lose and luckily there was a meeting starting in 30 minutes three blocks from my home. When I arrived that night and walked through the doors I saw 8 or 10 smiling ladies that I had never seen before. All strangers when I walked in and a new family an hour later when the meeting was over. I had what I found out later was a meeting after the meeting with two of those ladies. They both told me they were glad I came and told me to keep coming back, offering me their experience, strenght, and hope......what had worked for them. They seemed happy. I didn't know anything about this program, but needed help. I can't explain the feeling I had as I was driving home that night except to say I knew I had found a new family that cared about me and understood me as perhaps no one else could.......I was not alone in the disease anymore!!
I made a commitment that night to give the program a try, accept it at face value, not question it, and work it to the best of my ability. None of those ladies ever told me what I should or should not do. None of them ever judged me. They only offered their love and support. Over time, one day at a time, my life changed for the better. I owe so much to those ladies and this program.....my sanity, serenity, peace of mind and a new way of living my life.
What does any of the above have to do with your post and all the problems alcohol has caused in your life? You like me have been effected by the disease of alcoholism and you need the help and support this program offers. You need recovery as I needed recovery. My experience, strenght, and hope, to you is to give the program a try. It works and it will change your life for the better.
Start your recovery and know that your not alone in the disease anymore.
Welcome! You are in the right place. Alcoholism is a disease that affects the drinker and the people around the: family, friends, employment, etc. Anything that revolves around the alcoholic is affected. It is a powerful disease. It can not be cured. This is the reason that we, relatives, wives, daughters, etc. of alcoholics must find moral support in Alanon. We also learn strategies and tools to deal with alcoholics in our lives. We also learn how to take better care of ourselves. Please, keep coming back. As Pushka suggested, find an Alanon meeting in your area. It is truly a great program.
I'm so glad you have found us. I hope you can read a lot of threads, find a meeting, and learn all you can about alcoholism.
Missing the alcoholic is hard and learning the lesson that things are not going to change (as far as he's concerned) is painful. I went back to my alcoholic so many times. When I was having trouble making the break the last time, I thought to myself, "If only I'd gone all the way through this pain the first time, I'd be long over it by now." Instead I let him hurt me again and again because I didn't want to face the pain of missing him. In truth the pain of staying was equally bad.
You sound as if you have a lot of awareness already. I hope you can keep coming back, reading, and recovering your serenity. These boards are full of experience, strength, and hope.
Hi there and I am so glad you shared! I still love my exAH and fight my own codependency with him. I also now have the knowledge and tools to know I can't get back on the insanity train and be who I want to be for me and my kids. I hear your heart break in your post and I am so sad over this awful disease for all of us. Keep practicing self care, because you are worth it. I hand my A over to my HP daily and leave him in His hands, because I can't handle the responsibility of it! Keep reading and attending meetings if you already are that is where I found the most growth and with my wonderful sponsor who is walking me through the steps to a new life! I am sending you courage, support and love! Keep coming back!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Oh I get it, the description of your relationship mirrors mine. My RA wasn't drinking, but the patterns were the same. You are not alone in your pain.
The lack of companionship hurts so much. But then I remind myself of some of his insane behaviors, and that is what really helps me. I am grateful I didn't marry into that drama!
