if the pain i'm in is anything like the pain of the addict, there's a small amount of understanding in me .. - Al-Anon Family Group

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

if the pain i'm in is anything like the pain of the addict, there's a small amount of understanding in me ..

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

I can't tell you what the pain feels like for an alcoholic. For me, as a co-dependent, it is a physical pain, like I've been punched in the chest. It will come from something I hear in a meeting or read or a passing thought. And it really does feel like someone has punched me in the heart. This stuff hurts. A lot.

When it finally got to be too much, when I couldn't logic my way out of the confusion and pain, I realized it was the point where I have to turn the problem over to my HP.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Me two ...first of all you are in the right place...Alanon.. second I have recently felt the way you describe and for a long long long time ( he left almost a year ago and I"ve only been "relieved" of what your describing for a few weeks..but oh man does it feel great I was just thinking tonight while watching a video alone after meeting my daughter for chinese food how great I feel and how aweful I recently felt and how grateful I am for the change.. for me it took understanding that my alcoholic was "broken" by wa- ching a video posted at the top of his board I understood his brain just doesn't work normally and therefore I can stop trying to reason throught all the madness... no matter if he does get with someone else and it look great for him on the outside I know very well he has major issues and it won't be easy for her and eventually she may end up as crazy as I felt when with him....

The following really helped me. (the video posted with this)

STICKY: Why Alcoholism is "categorized/listed" as a disease by AMA (explained)

(Preview)

That just happened to be my "relief point" I don't know what yours will be but I appreciate greatly the opportunity to be able to share with you that yes eventually it does get better.. alot better it's like being high on not being miserable... really great!

for me taking one breath at a time on moment at a time and remembering that it never really was a good life with the alcoholic in my life..even though I often think of how I still love him It was never good for me... not one single day of peace happiness and security (no matter what I rashionalized in my mind at the time it was never a secure situation... and I deserve all that and so much more...

Hope you feel better soon... when your higher power deems it to be best in your life....please keep posting and let us know how you are...

Keep coming back your very welcome here!!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs MeTwo,

Sending lots of love and support during this difficult time.

Hugs P :)

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

I want to add to my previous post. Some practical things that helped me were when I really took to heart the phrase "is it in my best interest" when I realized that I had to think with my head and not my heart for a while until the "urge to be with" the alocolic passed a bit. I also had to really look at my motives.. I was also wanting him back to have a "partner" in being broken...in other words I was half a person and with him being half a person I felt whole with him.

The distance it would take to make myself whole seemed shorter than the distance it would be to try to get back with him and make a whole out of that plus I have control over my efforts to be whole and couldn't contol his. In short it is much more likely that I will be happy and healthy alone than with him...it just took a long while to break my addiction to trying to make things with him work out... you see he appeals to me in some ways, mostly his looks.. because I now realize his demeanor, his apparent "charm" is coping mechanisms he has learned to get him what he wants..so I feel in love with an act,,, he had learned to behave a certain way to get what he wants... many many recovering alcoholics have told me that while they were drinking they could not "feel" no matter what they said or how they acted they were not "feeling" things,, and that matched up with the "mixed signals" I had gotten from my ex alcoholic boyfriend.. so no matter what you see or think he is up to now if he he still drinking...he still has the same issues ... it's not about me (or anyone he is with) it's about drinking period..period... end of story as long as he is drinking that is what life is about for him.

Some of the things that were hard but helped alot were cleaning out all his stuff (I had to do this in little steps because it hurt at first,, now it feels GREAT!).

I really got relief when I realized I needed to start making new memories to help fill the void I felt from him not being around. So I made myself (again in small increasing ammounts) spend time with family friends or even just make a point to stay in the moment when grocery shopping or whatever... now I am in the moment most of the time..and loving all the little moments in my life...

I really am praying for you today, I understand your discomfort and hope to hear good news from you about your recovery.

-- Edited by glad on Saturday 8th of October 2011 08:54:29 AM

-- Edited by glad on Saturday 8th of October 2011 09:13:23 AM

-- Edited by glad on Saturday 8th of October 2011 09:17:20 AM

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I left my first son's dad, who had been cheating on me and hurting me in that way all our relationship, when my son was 2. This guy was what I thought "my soul mate". We got along in every way, were best friends, except he cheated on me non-stop. When I left him, I would get tricked from time to time, and allow him to kiss me or what not, and that fed my disease at the time. I got smart eventually and put up the boundary that we were to never touch again. Now 12 years later, when we see each other to hand off our son (he goes to see his dad in the summer and at Christmas), we can hug, and laugh and know that now its all water under the bridge. He even made amends to me at one point 2 years ago about the whole cheating thing. It was so far back at that point, I was able to just say "Thank you, and its ok now." I can tell you from my experience, it does get better, little by little. I left my second son's father 2 years ago now because he was abusive and I had to get out of there. Leaving him felt like I was being cut free from 9 years of torture. I should have left many years before that, and inside of me I already had left him... So leaving him was not painful at all, it was freedom. Two different relationships that hurt me in many ways. My fiance now, yes he is an alcoholic. I am not in denial about it. The thing is, he isn't mean, and because of the changes in me his drinking is happening less often, and he is drinking less. I am not sure why, but this program does work when we work it. That includes coming on here and keeping it real with how things are going. I am glad you posted. Keep coming, keep posting... hope you have some alanon meetings you can go to :) HUGS!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

That sounds like withdrawal pain for me. The body, mind, spirit and emotions want what they knew and were used to and justifying the bad away and glorifying the good. I did that with my alcoholic/addict wife and described it to my then sponsor as if I was doing self surgery on myself taking out my own heart. The drama was good and I had center stage at that time and the spot light although I kept falling off the stage and walking all over the scenery and reading the wrong lines too. In time the play came to an end and when they turned on the lights to the theater I found I was the only one there so I went home and started my own life again. Withdrawal pain...meetings, literature, program friends and sponsors, working it, working it, working it and...of course...a power much much much more greater than it all.

Keep coming back...in support (((((hugs))))) smile

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I am a codependent and can relate to how you describe your withdrawal. I miss my exAH at times still even after our divorce, but after reading "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, I have great awareness and have come a long way. I am getting healthier with my knowledge and have given up trying to save anyone other than myself. My A called and told me some terrible things lately hoping to get me jealous and I let it hurt me for awhile and than realized I deserve better than that. I hope you are able to make it to meetings and find a sponsor. Sending you love and support on your journey!

catiegirl · Newbie

Wow! I know exactly what you're feeling. I left my A boyfriend just a few days ago and the pain I'm feeling is unimaginable!! I was just telling someone yesterday that even though my mind knows I did the right thing, my heart has not received that message yet. I miss being held, being asked how my day was, being kissed, being touched. There were good times, great times, amidst the torture of his drinking. I miss the man I thought was my best friend. And he abandoned it all in the blink of an eye. About 10 days ago, he drank himself silly and disappeared with our paycheck. We had no food in the house and rent was due. I was at home caring for my sick mom and he was out partying with his "friends." I finally found him passed out at a friends house, still drunk. I told him I was angry and worried about him. Of course, I was being overly emotional and ridiculous. In his drunken stupor, he was cruel and cold to me. When he finally came home, I laid down the law and said no more. You have to come home after work. He agreed. But just this last weekend, there was a party after work. I knew he wanted to go but he also knew he had promised me he would come home. He did end up coming home, but he was angry, nasty, and cruel when he arrived. He resented me for having to come home. The next morning, his coldness continued. We got in a fight. He threw chairs around. I told him I was leaving. It was the last straw for me. All throughout our relationship, I allowed him to drink as much as he wanted even though it created huge problems with his work, my work, his family, and my family. And the second I drew some boundaries, he couldn't take it any longer. And he let me go so, so, easily. It was breathtaking how easily he let me walk out of his life, the moment I stood in the way of his drinking. Now, he has all these great plans to go visit friends and work at a ski resort for the winter. He made these plans so quickly after I left. The love, the friendship we shared...none of it mattered to him. And, like you, I wonder if it ever did.
I'm new to this website and it has offered me a lot of comfort and good info in the last couple days. I'm going to keep coming back and sharing. I hope you do too. Be well.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone .. So sorry i didn't get a chance to reply until now .. you're all so helpful .. I never thought of his charm as a coping skill learned to get what he wants and .. the withdrawal pain of mind, body, spirit .. it's intense .. The hard part with him being half a person and me being half a person and feeling like a whole person with him here is pretty much what it is too .. there is such an emptiness i feel in me with So much other than just him being gone in my life .. on a spiritual level if i'm honest with me .. there are about 55 subconscious connections between him and my family of origin .. feeling wise and other wise .. part of why it's been So hard to let go .. i feel like i'm losing my first family all over again .. the pain of having a full home and then in the blink of an eye all the kids (who helped parent me) gone about nearly the same time .. i was so young, the house got quiet and of course i waited for them to return and they never really did .. long story ..

anyway .. i think too i feel like i'm supposed to get over this pain in a flash .. should be over it by now right ?? those shoulds are really something .. little by little .. thank god i have places to bring this but i can't imagine otherwise ..

Catie ... i'm right there with you too .. this disease is baffling, cunning, powerful, confusing, .. the list goes on .. It's like I'm on a step 2 with Just my alcoholic .. i'm still in shock though coming through it but just cannot believe how 10 years feels like water now .. and of course the more i try to hang onto it .. the faster it goes .. what's Even harder now is trying to let go of this illusion .. I still have the fantasy of him and therefore think sometimes i'm continuing the relationship now in my head .. feels crazy somedays .. but the illusion/fantasy whatever it may be is even harder to let go because i can Control & Change that ..

One day at a time i guess .. i have to go because it's the morning .. but thanks so much to everyone for sharing .. hoping this pain subsides at least a little .. of course most of it is self inflicted .. my stubborn refusal to accept i can't change it .. but even that comes in pieces .. not all at once ..

will be back when i have more time ..

-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 14th of October 2011 08:05:15 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.