i posted an entry about a week ago on my A and got some great words of wisdom in response ... Flopidopolus (spelling ? sorry can't see other page) you typed something that made me think while sharing about your A .. "  My self esteem took a much needed boost and the more energy I put into me, the more I have to give "

I am truly grateful for that because I have been thinking in the terms of with him gone, what now .. what more is there to look forward to .. might as well hang up life .. future opportunities .. isolate .. give up throw in the towel .. nothing will ever change except my self esteem will be in the basement and i'm such a failure because I can't control cure change this other person, etc .. alcoholism .. etc..

I realised with self esteem being how i feel about myself .. that my feelings are bound to get better eventually when i'm going to all of my weekly meetings .. literature .. shares, etc.. True we're powerless over alcohol And our own isms .. But .. we're also powerless over recovery .. it just comes and for that reminder from you i'm truly grateful ..

This thing Still hurts like a biach .. (sry but) true .. ) yet, I have a new awareness even with him this morning .. the saddest of any so far .. yet healing ..

all these years in recovery, i've been hearing what we bring out of the dark into the light loses its power to dominate our thinking .. for years i've been doing that to me in alanon but i've also unknowingly been doing that to him .. i saw on a spiritual level this morning of how he Had to leave because now .. having brought enough into the light and him seeing me move into the light recognizing i'm understanding everything that's been going on .. (the manipulation that he literally wore himself ragged on is exposed) .. all these years i've watched him create a crisis in the presence of his family and remove me from the picture trying to keep us separated in order to avoid controlling what he could in an atmosphere he himself had no control in ..

i've taken on so much guilt and blame assuming i'm too boring, not attractive enough, too bossy, not good enough .. the truth ?? i tried like hell to fix him .. my worst mistake .. controlling i was .. during our years together .. i'm seeing many times though if i'm honest when i tried hard to keep things simple .. he couldn't be in the moment though in order to enjoy it and at times i wasn't either .. when he would get fearful is when the criticisms would begin .. seeing it now .. it may have been his fear of the families and my next get together .. who knows .. i don't need to know but my understanding is definitely growing upward and inward although now i literally need to drop the ball and quit trying to be his higher power ..

i ended up sharing some things with him i maybe shoudn't have but honestly ?? i couldn't stop myself from talking .. i'm not judging it though because my sponsor has always taught me not to judge good bad right wrong and to just try to do better when i can .. but that if i'm powerless over saying something maybe higher power's using it as something the other person just needs to hear, etc.. works 2 ways too i know .. meaning it happens to me too with others, etc..

anyway .. thanks for all the support .. i'm hurting like crazy and he's so angry with me .. no idea how we will ever get through visitations but just the same .. grateful for seeing some things .. but i admit as well .. i'm afraid of him .. his behavior is not always sane and yet .. i have been accountable to him for literally years with him never once being accountable with me .. i'm accountable to only one .. my higher power .. hopefully he will continue to lose his power to dominate my thinking .. it is so incredibly powerful, hidden, baffling, manipulative, cunning, confusing and dominating .. then .. that is the disease of alcoholism ..