Long, difficult, and scary road - Al-Anon Family Group

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Long, difficult, and scary road

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

thankyou for being brave and sharing.
We do listen. We don't always post, but be assured that we do listen which is evidenced by the number of reads of your post.
You have done a brave thing and you have been strong for the past 12 months.
When my divorce came through, I was very sad. I hated the word and I refused to say I was 'divorced'. The word and the conotation hurt so much.
Funny thing was, but the time I was divorced officially, I was actually living with my (now husband) new partner.

It still hurt.

At times life does seem like it isn't fair. My exhusband got most of my money and I bought the house back in settlement. He actually got more in settlement than the house was originally bought for and the mortgage tripled. I came out financially very much worse off.

When I think about it. I would pay to not have his heartache in my life. The things I did with him at times are not suitble for writing on this board. I tried to say no many times but I found I just couldn't. I had to please him and make him happy. He was a sex addict and drank alot also. I would pay to not have to feel like I did with him.

My current marriage has its difficulties (or I wouldn't be here I suppose), but I am loved and I know I am loved.

You too will move on.

You have a job, you are a smart person, you have somewhere to live, you have kids that you love, and you do not have to have an active alcoholic in your life on a daily basis. Perhaps that can bring you some peace????

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs rehprof,

I hope you will find an alanon meeting in your area so you know you are not alone in your feelings or your situation. I can testify to the fact just because someone looks like they are foot loose and fancy free living with addiction is not an easy road to hoe. They are usually in so much pain, guilt and shame that they don't know which end is up. They stay drunk to keep from feeling. It's the biggest reason we have to get well and be healthy mentally, physically and spiritually.

It does get better, you will get better, if you do the work on you and keep the focus on you and the kids. He's going to do what he's going to do it becomes a question of what are you going to do.

You didn't cause the addiction, you can't control the addiction and you won't cure the addiction. 3 C's. What you can do is make alanon work for you and get out of your isolation and start living your life.

Hugs P :)

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome rehprof,

My feelings of hopelessness didn't emerge until after my divorce. I had been married for 36 years.

Where I found a flicker of hope was at an Al-Anon meeting. I went there as the last resort and have been going back ever since. I feel hopeful now every day no matter what arises.

Are you willing to give Al-Anon a try? It's too tough to go it alone. There is no need to.

I realize you have trust issues; that is understandable. Most of us do. At meetings you are not required to talk. Just show up with an open mind and be willing to listen and consider what you hear. No pressure will be placed on you. You can open up at your pace.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

First rehprof welcome to MIP. I'm glad you found the board. The commom domonator you will find here, as you will in face to face Al-Anon meetings is a feeling of oneness, of kindred spirit. Simply put, you don't have to be alone in the disease anymore. We will and do understand you as perhaps no one else can. The disease of alcoholism is best described as cunning, baffling, and powerful. It's a selfish disease that takes over the mind, body, and spirit. You need and deserve the help Al-Anon offers. The program can and will make your life better.

Your life has been effected, and my ES&H to you is to start your recovery as thousands of others have. As Gail stated you don't have to go it alone anymore. Keep coming back and spend some time reading prior posts. In Al-Anon and on this board we don't give advice....only what worked for us....the Al-Anon program is proven and tested, and yes, it works if you work it.

HUGS,
RLC

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Rehprof, so glad you have found us. There is a lot of wisdom and support here.

I am in a very similar situation to yours, down to the job. I've been separated from my alcoholic ex for eight years now. At times, especially at first, I was furious that I seemed to be loaded with all the responsibilty while he was living a carefree life. What I've come to see is that my life is much better than his, responsibility and all. I know I can take care of myself. I can keep a job. I have a salary (which my ex does not). He can barely manage buttoning the right buttons on his shirt. (This sounds like a joke but it's true!) I have more to manage because I can manage more. That also means I get the rewards of more. I'd hate to be living hand-to-mouth, dependent on others for my food and a roof over my head, not knowing what was happening next, not being able to make my own choices, a slave to addiction.

It did take some doing before life became manageable, and sometimes it still threatens to swamp me. (That's not only true of single parents, though.) When you have a job like professor, you need to set a lot of boundaries so work doesn't creep into everything else. It's sort of like dealing with an alcoholic, actually: you need to make the boundaries because you can bet nobody else will. And setting up a support system is such a help. It takes time to get it all into place, but the feeling of empowerment and self-reliance is such a revelation.

I hope you are also finding some good meetings and a sponsor? It can get so much better than this. I hope you'll keep coming back.

rosielee · Senior Member

i think trust issues is significant for all of us- so I sympathise-
i think what may help you is to think that your ex is sick and is not living the life of riley but is actually very ill- and is now without a partner in life. I think I would prefer to be in your boat than his- any day of the week!
Ive been a single mum fo 16 years- have bought my son up on my own and have taken it all on my shoulders...i know exactly what you feel like and sympathise!!!

no body can fathom just how impossibly hard it is unless they have tried it.......but you have a job and a lot going for you by the sounds of it.

if i were to give you any advice....based on my 16 years experience of being a single mum- is dont do what i did- have the occaisional night out. x

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Rehprof,

Welcome you to MIP, I am so glad you are here. You have received strong experience, strength and hope (ESH) already. I simply wanted to share that if you stick around, read for awhile, perhaps you will get to know us a little better. I do appreciate your courage in writing and hope you will continue to do so.

Please keep coming back!

In support,

Tommye

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to MIP! I can relate to your share and am glad you found the courage to post. When I first left and filed a year later, I was an emotional mess and although I shouldered more than my share I still didn't know how I would go on without my AH (alcoholic husband). It took a lot of face to face Al-anon meetings, having a great sponsor and reading lots of books to help me understand not only how I got there, but how to grow through it. I am feeling better about myself and my future more so right now than maybe ever. As busy as I am I make time for 2 meetings a week, because I am worth it and it keeps me growing like nothing else. MIP has been a great source to reach out to in between and there are great and wise people here who have learned how to better themselves in the midst of and after the chaos. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was a huge help to me. Also I read daily reader's that I acquired in face to face meetings that start me out with the right mind set. Dealing with alcoholism tends to do things to us that we aren't always aware of and for me the best way to become aware and rise through it was to work my own recovery program and it has already paid off in big dividends. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

-- Edited by flopadopilus on Thursday 6th of October 2011 09:11:50 AM

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome here. I just wanted to offer my support in you and to say that going to alanon meetings have changed my life for the better. I hope you can find time to try some meetings. Take care of you :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I think fear of change is a big thing you might be facing. If you look at it rationally: You have been doing all of those things you mentioned (work as a professor 50-60 hours a week, run the household, get the kids to activites) and doing WITH the distraction of an insane alcoholic that doesn't help you. So, you can do this and it will probably be easier than you think. A busy life is so much better than a chaotic and heartbreaking life. That's my take on it.

Also, I can understand how looking from the outside at your husband's childlike "no responsibility" lifestyle would make you angry...but one of the costs of beng a childlike, irresponsible alcoholic is that you don't get the rewards that also come along with being an independent and capable adult. I would not cash in what I have now to be an enabled and pampered alcoholic. That is a pathetic existence and I know this because I lived it myself. Maybe eventually you will pity him more than feel angered.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.