The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi! My husband is my qualifier although if you ask him he would vehemently deny he has a problem and he has me questioning whether my definition of an alcoholic is right.
He drank on average 12 beers a night when we met (3 years ago, my second husband) but I had no idea until he moved in and I noticed the empty cans. I said it was a problem for me and he switched to spiking soda to hide it. He said he was self medicating but a year ago it got to the point of being falling down drunk most nights (and finally admitting to blackouts). He did try a brief stay (few days) in rehab but with no long term effects or success. Long story short, we've seperated several times but he is back, mostly because after a year unemployed (I believe his binge drinking cost him his job) he has no place else to go.
He is back to 12 beers a day but denies this is a problem or that he is an alcoholic, even though I know his family and first wife would agree with me that it's a huge problem.
I guess I need someone to tell me I'm not the crazy one and that drinking 12 beers a day is a sign of a problem, and wondering where I go from here to best help him, and me.
If his drinking bothers you .. you belong in the alanon program. I hope you will consider going to a face to face meeting. Alanon is about you not the alcoholic and it's really not for us to decide if someone is an alcoholic or not. It does make me feel better to be with others who have or are experiencing the same things I am at the moment. I have learned so much from the boards here and it's a great tool combined with the face to face meetings.
The 3 C's, you did not cause the addiction, you cannot control the addiction and you will not cure the addiction. His addiction is his to deal with, you just need to put the focus on you to get yourself healthy. The alanon program has worked miracles on me in my life. I hope you will stick around get to know us and let us get to know you as well.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
There is an old, tongue in cheek saying - in Al-Anon, we learn to "stop going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread", in that - we keep hoping/trying to get healthy and rational responses from unhealthy and irrational people....
12 beer a night is "too much" in pretty much any world..... Whether or not he is willing to admit - now or ever - that he is an alcoholic, is not all that relevant.... The good news is that you can choose recovery.... for YOU. Al-Anon is of great value, and will help guide/answer so many of your questions and feelings.... You are not alone, and are unlikely to get much in the way of validation from your active A right now....
I would encourage you to find a meeting.... A great book is "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews..... That book helped save my sanity, and I'm sure it will be a great help to you...
Glad you found us
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I can only speak on whats working for me. Going to meetings, getting a sponsor and using the phone when I am at my worst... also this board, posting here, reading here. I read the alanon literature as well as Getting Them Sober. HUGS, welcome here :) When I use the tools and got a sponsor, my world opened up and I started to slowly get better, bit by bit.
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thanks. I know there's no definition of an alcoholic but I just wish I could stop listening to him when he says the problem is mine not his when I say the amount he drinks is a problem that needs to be addressed. He continues to deny an addiction but I don't see him being able to quit. As you say, just need to 'be' with others and not feel so alone in this. Thanks again
The truth is that he does not see it as a problem, therefore in one sense it is not a problem for him. It is a problem for you. (And I can say that I think it would be a problem for pretty much any reasonable person.) You don't need to convince him that it's a problem. In fact it is impossible to convince any alcoholic that their drinking is a problem. That's part of what makes them an alcoholic. However, you know it is a problem for you, and that's a truth that nothing he says could change.
Tom - wow! that really put it all in perspective in a way that I hadn't got my head around! and yet, it makes so much sense that, of course, there will be no logical thinking from my AH. Thank you so much for that. I definately have some reading to do and find a local meeting to start.
My sponsor used to remind me to see my active A with a large "SSS" stamped on their forehead, which stands for "sick, sick, sick" :)
Wiser words have not been said.... As Mattie stated - he doesn't necessarily see his drinking as a problem..... it's easy for us to say/see that he is in denial, but the reality is that he may never see it as a problem....
You, however, get to bear much of the brunt of the problem, as his (very typical) alcoholic behavior is to blame anybody and everybody else - so he can keep the focus off of him....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Something that has helped me have some perspective about what might be a problem and what might be normal are the screening tools used by some counselors and physicians, like this one:
My husband tells me it is my attitude that is the problem. I am making a mountain out of a molehill and there is nothing wrong in what he does.
Apparently if I change my attitude there will be no more arguing.
Well.... I guess he is right.
The other option would be if he stopped smoking pot there would be no more arguing about smoking pot either. If he went back to his attitude he had before he relapsed there would be no arguments about it either.
So.... if there are two solutions, I have chosen the solution that I can control.
I will change my attitude toward it.
NOthing has changed in the area of his smoking pot, except it has increased, but what has changed is the arguments about it. The intense feeling of dread and hatred that I have has lessened, I can see that he loves me and smokes pot instead of me taking it personally that he smokes pot therefore he mustn't love me cos I want him to stop. I cry a bit less and I can see a bit more of a future with us at this stage.
I have accepted he is an addict. He will continue to smoke pot on a daily basis. The days he doesn't.. fine.. the days he does.. fine... I refuse to spend time with him if he is stoned.
He is going to smoke pot... What am I going to do... ??? Man now that opens up the world of opportunities for me, it also makes me feel a little sad that I won't be doing some of those things wtih my husband.... I have only been here a short time so I am just at the beginning of this journey.
Obviously it is a problem and that is alcoholism. However, like others have said, the problem "for him" is relative. It will only be a problem for him to the degree it consciously interferes with what he wants for his life.
Also, there are other places for him to go: The street...a shelter...rehab...halfway house... You do not have to save him and house him. That is a choice.
I dont think you are crazy, being in an alcoholic situation can drive anyone up a tree without having a program to turn too. That is why I feel Alanon has saved my life.
I think everyone does the best they can with what they have. When I am faced with an alcoholic situation, sometimes it is hard for my old behaviors to not return. Alanon has given me the tools by working the step with a sponsor, going to f2f meetings consistently on a weekly basis, reading the literature, and practicing self care to help keep me focused on myself and give the alcoholics in my life the dignity of their own choices.
A sponsor was key to help me see things more clearly. She was not emeshed in my problems and had a clearer vision to help redirect my thinking so that I could have a new beginning. I do so hope you will consider trying at least 6 or more meetings before making a decision as to whether or not alanon was right for you.
I just want to say hi and welcome to MIP. You have already recieved some great ESH and I have nothing to add to these great and wise people who posted before me except keep coming back! I am sending you love nad support on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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