The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My therapist raised this question with me yesterday; it's something that has crossed my mind in the past. What would my higher power want me to do? How would he want me to handle situations with my wife? Would he want me to be dismissive, to roll my eyes when she's talking, to continually give negative non-verbal signals, to walk out of the room when she walks in? No. These are the things I am doing now, however.
I'm finding that the compassion and understanding is the biggest challenge for me at this point. Not coincidentally, I came across this reading in Courage to Change today (it's the October 3rd reading):
Clearly, I didn't know what compassion was, but I knew what it was not. Compassion was not seeking revenge, holding a grudge, calling names, or screaming and throwing things in anger. Yet that was how I frequently behaved toward this person I claimed to love. For me, the beginning of learning compassion was to eliminate such behavior.
While I still have a hard time defining compassion, I think it starts with the recognition that I am dealing with a sick person who sometimes exhibits symptoms of a disease. I don't have to take it personally when these symptoms, such as verbal abuse, appear, not do I have the right to punish anyone for being sick.
I am a worthwhile human being. I don't have to sit and take abuse. But I have no right to dish it out, either
Today's Reminder:
I will spend more time with myself in this lifetime than with anyone else. Let me learn to be the kind of person I would like to have as a friend.
"He who would have beautiful roses in his garden must have beautiful roses in his heart." - S.R. Hole
The reality is, being that my wife is sick, there will be bad days. There will be days where the symptoms of her disease take over. But I've been blessed in that in the last month, there have been so many more good days than bad. In the last week? Not so much. But that's ok, and that's when the compassion needs to come in. What would my higher power want me to do? Have to keep trying...
(((usedtobe))) I could tell you about the time I threw a frying pan...but I won't. Let's just say that I was not always compassionate toward my A. And you're right about the ¨bad ¨ days being when compassion is needed most. With time and practice it does get easier. It sounds like you're getting there. That's a great question from your therapist. Can be used in so many situations. Hmmm, lots of food for thought there. Thanks for sharing and for the inspiration.
You have a good perspective weighing and being grateful for more postives than negatives. There is no mistakes in Gods world. It is not a wonder that that reading spoke to you. I find for me willingness is a turning point in my recovery. When I do something different, I am bound to achieve different results. When I began treating my spouse with courtesy and kindness, not react to sarcasm, nor negative comments, our relationship began to change. Compassion, kindness, patience, willingness are but a few gateways to greater understanding and love for all who suffer.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Don't ever let the good days go by without celebrating them with her!! What would my HP want me to do is a constant decision question for me to me and with my HP. I use that question actively and then listen and follow thru. For me the character of my HP is unconditional love and over the eons the name of my HP most often used is "Love". I was also taught centuries ago (yes I'm almost that old) that to emulate the character of my HP is to do the next best thing in my recovery...sooooo practice (being like your HP) unconditional loving. I once questioned my HP how my HP could find me so valuable to love me and gift me so unconditionally in my life...even when the disease was raging and I was a major purpetrator in it and the only response I got from my HP was..."cause that is who I am and what I do". I cannot and should not do any less.
That is what my HP would have me do. (((((hugs)))))
