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Ok so I thought I was working the program ok. Got acceptance down or did I? Not tonight! HA! AH was sober for 10 months after rehab, then 6 months ago off wagon. He has been drinking most days, goes sober but can't do it longer than 3 days. Constant denial on how much he drinks, always hiding it and lying about it, so I quit saying anything. Quit looking, quit trying to catch him. All good, but I have been going back to trying to catch him, my bad. I go to f2f meetings once a week, found a sponser, but not sure she is in a good place herself to be sponsering. She has never completed all the steps only on step 3 herself. So far I just try to tell her what is going on, she give me her ESH, but I feel her way is leave with no other option, but she says she is not tring to tell me to leave, whatever. I thought she would give me a place to start( homework) so far nothing, maybe she thinks I am not ready for that yet? Any who i only go to the one meeting so I feel as though I can not get another sponser from that meeting, I would feel bad. I know there are no rules and no one should feel bad if they are denied a sponsor or sponsee, but still.
I bought AH a round of golf, and he went today with his brother. Then he came home and drank all day, this is the worst he has been in a while. He did say thanks for the golf, and all I wanted to say was " So this is how you thank me, drink all day!" but I didn't. He was supposed to go to his AA meeting tonight, but didn"t go , probably a good thing since he was in no shape to drive, but I was hoping he would go and get pulled over(sad I know). I asked "how come you didn't go to the meeting", all he said was "sorry" I said "don't say sorry to me". Now he is just passed out on the couch snoring! Very irritating!
I just hate that he drinks and I get to say nothing! I feel passive aggresive. I know I am responsible for my own feelings and some days I do manage to be happy and not let it effect me. i am just resentful that he lost his job, and just sleeps all day, and if he can muster up the energy he cleans up the kitchen. We are barely getting by, money is running out. I am a spoiled little brat and I don't want to go get a job(how am I supposed to leave the kids with a drunk!) Won't make enough to pay childcare, we are on COBRA and my paycheck may cover that but nothing eles. He (like I said )just sleeps all day, I feel he is not working his program and needs to go into some sort of treatment(he is Bipolar as well). He comes home from most AA meeting smelling of alcohol, but claims he hasn't been drinking. He told me he would go to AA and start reading the Big BOok again, but empty promises as usual! I am tired of working on me and him do nothing! I am reading the Steps and traditions of ALanon, and under the influence and will go get Codependance no more tomorrow because I had to wait for it from the library, I did read Toby's book, and I read Courage to change and this site daily. I am just done! i read a post tonight where a women wrote that she only gets to spend a few good moment with her A in the morning before he makes excuses to get out of the house to get his booze and comes home drunk, she of course was very grateful for those moments, as she should be, but all I can think tonight is "is that all I have to look forward to?"
I am grateful for my bipolar AH, without him I would have not found Alanon, and I would not have found NAMI. Some days I get it and some days I don't but it is all good I guess, just flustrating! Thank you for reading(if anyone made it this far). I hope that I can be at a place where I will be able to offer you all ESH in the near future! Thanks for the dump, now maybe I will be able to sleep tonight. Sleep well my friends!
I read it all. I was nodding at my head at lots of it.. mainly the way you are feeling about 'having to say nothing'
What if you thought of it like.. 'picking your time to say something' instead. There is no point in having a conversation when you are talking to the alcohol. Try picking up a bottle and talking to it... it don't work.
I talked and talked and talked to my husband... and all it did was get my hopes up. He made promises he couldn't keep. That led to further disappointment when he couldn't follow through on what he said.
I am working on me becasue I want to work on me. I am not working on me in order for him to follow suit and do it as well. You say you are tired of working on you and he does nothing... I can understand that sentiment and have thought it often myself.. and still do at times. I have decided that I want to be better. I want to make my decisions based on a healthy frame of mind. Not one seeped in resentment and hatred.
I have found that working with my sponsor and being fortunate to sponsor many lovely women over the years that it was beneficial to have homework when I was new to the program. I still use the homework my sponsor gave me on a daily basis as an adjunct to my prayer in meditation in the mornings. It helps me make a shift from being self centered to God centered. I have one of those magic magnifying minds wrapped up in self will when I wake up in the morning. Incorporating the suggestions that were given to me on a daily basis helps give me a 24 hour reprieve from my thinking. Meetings alone doesnt repair my broken thinking. The willingness to hit my knees and have time for my HP is key for me to find a balance and detached from my AH's.
You know when I started there are no written rules on sponsorship. There is a pamplet out there called "Sponsorship, What It's All About" that has some helpful suggestions. The only thing I have ever heard that one can pick a sponsor to be their sponsor as long as they are one step ahead of you. Should you not like the way it is working out, you can change sponsors at any time. Sometimes it doesnt work out. What I find that is the best thing about being sponsored is that my sponsor in all the years we have been together has never given me advice. She will share experience if she has it. But, she has always made it clear if she doesn't.
(((coffeegrounds))) I can relate to so much of your post. I'm that woman you read about who only gets some good moments with my A in the mornings. And yes, I'm grateful for that. It took me almost two years to get to where I am and be able to accept it. The way I look at it, I tried everything - being angry, yelling, being nice, being supportive, talking to him about his drinking, making threats, etc., etc. None of it worked. It was like beating my head against a wall. I finally realized I was truly powerless over his drinking. That took a long time to sink in but when it did it was a kind of relief. I realized the only person I can control is me. Yes, I sometimes still get angry that he doesn't help with the work around here. Or sad that we don't do things together like we used to. This is not the life I had planned for myself. It's not the life I expected or wanted. But it's the life I have so I'm doing what I can to make it better for me by focusing on and taking care of myself. I love my A, but I have other interests and friends to occupy myself. Just my ESH, take what you like and leave the rest. But I hope you will keep coming back.
Thanks you everyone. I did get some sleep. I will have to get that brocher on sponsership. Linda, yes I have done it all too, only to come up short handed and broken promises. I feel as though I am talking to a wall, and it is flustrating that I have only small windows of opportunity to talk to the person(usually in the morning when I have to get the kids ready HA!) Pineapple, Yes I belive it was your post, thanks for that, I do feel grateful for my AH, I do love him. I have been wrap up in him so long and all my friends are tied into either his family or what used to be his job soooooooo. I have been tring to do stuff with others but I just not that talkative or socially rounded? I don't know, I know that I do need to work on myself and find out what I like to do. So today as I wake up, it is a new day, brand new oppertunities, new perspective! Thanks to all ! Have a great day!
The money stuff is REALLY hard when it comes to addiction. Or at least that's what I deal with that's the hardest part for me is not feeling resentful when the money goes out for something that didn't have to happen. When we're having to choose between food, gas or him going to jail ... I have moments when I think .. really? Hmm .. lol .. jail sounds ok at the moment to me. It's not the option of choice that's for sure .. lol
I agree with the issue of the sponsor sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. It's ok to find a different sponsor if you feel like it's not working out. I'm still kind of struggling a little getting to know my sponsor. That's ok .. it's all going to workout and when I have called her I've gotten some great ESH. I view things as my program is my responsibility and if I don't do my own work then it's just not going to work, I can wait around for my sponsor or I can put my own feelers out and figure out what I need to be doing by listening to what has worked for other people. I'm not sponsoring anyone, however there is a couple of alanon sisters and we bounce ideas and thoughts off of each other .. it's a great time and boy do we laugh! I keep in touch with my sponsor about 1 to 2x a week.
Please keep coming back and posting here as well a to your regular meetings, my attitude adjustment even though things are not easy has made all of the difference in our household. It's so weird, I can look back at 2008 - 2009 era and see now the sicker I was the sicker my AH was at the time. Now I can see the healthier I become ironically he's also becoming healthier. Emotionally and mentally, there are big changes in our house. It happens in different ways, in different times it does happen, because nothing changes if nothing changes.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi coffeegrounds, I read your share and hear your hurt. I am sorry you are feeling this way in your relationship.. I just want to say that one person's way of working their recovery is what works for them and you can find what works best for you. I found my sponsor, because she was strong in her program and has worked all the steps more than once. You can change sponsors at any time, you can change your meetings at any time. Your recovery is your own and you can make it to suit your needs best. There is no magical cure unfortunately, otherwise we all would have found it by now with all our hard work. I hit bottom after spiralling emotionally for so long and everyone around me were so tired of me complain about how terrible my life was, that one day a dear friend said to me "So change your life already!" I thought wow, I had been a vicitm my whole life and it was so incredible to think I could take the reins and steer it out of the mess I willingly chose everyday. It took energy I never thought I could muster, I proved so much to myself in the beginning and now I feel good about myself. I know that life doesn't have to be a miserable string of days to be merely survived. I am sending you love, courage and support on your journey and I hope you can figure out how to make your recovery suit your needs best!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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I also live with my qualifier who is active. There are days when I want to throw in the towel. Days when I do pretty good and keep progressing. Days when I have sat on the pity pot.... The thing I do is call my sponsor or text her. She is always able to help me get my thinking back to working my program of spirituality. She never gives advice. She only gives her experience strength and hope. She also will support my decisions whatever they are. She doesn't make me feel like I did something wrong if I mess up, she encourages me to keep going. I am still working the first couple of steps. We have talked a lot about them and keeping my HP in my mind. I haven't done any actual homework or anything, I think her and I may get to that point soon. SHe has a sponsor too. She left her qualifier but has adult sons who drink so she knows about living with an active A.
I am learning that each day is a new day and I can choose my attitude. I can choose to be happy or sit in sadness. I am sending you encouragement, you can get back up and keep on trying. Take care of you :) HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
