The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi...I attended my first F2F meeting on Friday and am not sure if I'm going to be going again. It was a good meeting, but my A is VERY angry about it. He is very much steeped in denial about his problem drinking and today said that I should get a lawyer; that since I've taken this step, which he thinks is completely irrational, he does not see how we can ever expect to resolve our marital problems. In fact, he also accused me today of being a lesbian and using his drinking as an excuse and a way out of the marriage! He is very defensive; I am in the "helping profession" he thinks I am "practicing" my trade on him. I think he is insecure about my success in my business. He is also embarassed about my seeking support, both about his own profession (he is also well known in the community) as well as my own. He is not a daily raging alchoholic, but a binge drinker. He goes months without drinking and then will go months with drinking, but has your typical "dry drunk" behaviours in between (a concept, BTW, which he thinks is a crock of poop). I am thinking of just hanging out here on the boards for a while or maybe attending F2F groups out of town for now. I admit, there is some embarassment for me to...going to the group last week was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life! Thanks for reading...felt the need to vent:)
Welcome to MIP. I hope you will do what is right for you and continue going to face to face meetings. I can't imagine how hard that is to have to keep something like that secret. Please come here and share because you deserve to be happy, healthy and mentally sound. Living with an addict is to much for any of us to bare alone and you are so not alone.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
HI, welcome here. Read as much as you can. Many of us here are in the 'helping profession' also but it does not mean we have internalised the lessons we teach.
Hi and welcome to MIP. It is actually very common to find people in the helping profession with major dysfunctions in thier family of origins and marriages. My first counselor helped me to get into some classes, because he said it takes one to know one. I hope you can still find meetings and work on taking care of yourself in the mean time! Sending you courage and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Alanon is a Self-help group...You are going to help yourself. Doesn't matter what he thinks. I am a social worker/therapist too and I used to get this from my Ex-A..."Stop Psychoanalyzing me!!" as if I really wanted to work in my spare time. Besides, it's not like you can turn off your knowledge and perception just cuz the person is your spouse... Anyhow, I do identify.... I can also see how he would think he is not an alcoholic because most people do define it as daily drinking. It doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or not. Alanon is for people affected by another's drinking patterns. In the end, the focus winds up back on you in alanon anyhow....
Welcome! My AH was also very angry about me going to F2F meetings. He has used everything from sarcastic humor to extreme anger to keep me from going. Going to my first Al-Anon meeting was one of the hardest things I've ever done, too. Going to my second, and third, and fourth... was even harder because I knew each time I would have to face my AH's anger.
After an outburst, regardless of how severe or mild, I go back to the same meeting at the same time. Eventually, for me, things leveled out. AH saw that I was not coming home from meetings and preaching 12-steps to him. He has even commented on how much stronger I am getting. I still get some mild sarcasm--the latest was telling me I was going to "story time"--but working my program and learning detachment has helped to diffuse those moments.
Keep coming back. It isn't easy, but you are worth it.
Coming here and atttending your first f2f meeting was a big step. It's true this program is for you and not the alcoholic in your life. Every situation is different, many times our alcoholics don't understand, and if they did, don't want us to seek recovery whether they admit they have a problem or not.
You have to do what is best for you. My hope is you will continue to seek recovery for yourself. Keep coming back, read prior posts, and remember there is never anything wrong with taking care of yourself first. You have made a big step in that direction.
Welcome luvs and congradulations stepping out for yourself. Alcoholics and addicts constantly live in fear...comes with the disease...they also threaten to try to keep others in line and the denial alive...normal. My alcoholic/addict wife also got angry and threatened and was paranoid that what I did in the meeting was talk about her. "It's all about me" is the alcoholic/addicts mantra..."it's gotta be all about me!!". My alcoholic/addict wife had to continue to feel the anxiety and fear the disease nurtured in her mind and emotions because I wasn't going to live the way I was living and later on found out that the fear and paranoia actually helps them reach a bottom. So let him feel it all...that's honest and supportive. Detach from it and love him anyways. You can get off of the merry-go-round anytime you want. By the way that is a great pamphlet you can pick up at your next meeting..."Alcoholism, a merry-go-round named denial".
In support (((((hugs)))))
also a past behavioral health therapist who worked in a drug and alcohol rehab...LOL
When my AH found out I was going to alanon he was furious. I kept attending meetings, he couldnt do anything about it. I needed the meetings for me, there was no way on Gods green earth I could stop going. It had become like the air I needed to breathe for me. For one hour 5x's per week I had the peace I so desperately craved from being affected by the disease of alcoholism.
I too heard the divorce stuff. But, one meeting at a time, one day at a time I kept going. It is the best decision I ever made. I do so hope you will consider going back to the face to face meetings.
MY ACOA was angry that I was going to meetings. I told him I go to Al Anon for the same reasons I go to Over eater's Anon...to help me. We can only control what we do. No one else. These meetings and the tools they provide help me survive the day to day events of my life. I hope you continue with the face to face meetings.
My sponsor pointed out that the anger from my ACOA was from the fear. She also told me it was common to hear divorce, you don't love me, you are _______. These are all deflections to keep their normal. They are afraid that when you get strong and healthy you are going to leave them.
Hi everyone...thank you so much for your replies; I've read and re-read them all over and over. Since my initial post, my husband has actually moved out of the house, by very mutual agreement. I have found out that he has been actively pursuing another woman; to her credit, she thought he was joking, though admits he crossed many lines (which he admits reluctantly and without remorse). She is thoroughly disgusted with him (which I admit I am angry and hurt enough to find some pleasure in). Of course, it is my fault that he was seeking these "pleasure" outside our marriage, just as it is my fault he is drinking - I know this isn't true in my heart. I've spoken with her and thanked her for having more morals and integrity than my husband...I know...my anger issues.
I have gone to 2 more F2F meetings this week and will continue to go. It's funny that something seems to have snapped in me in the last few days and while I have my moments of sadness and tears about the grief and loss of what I wanted our marriage to be (this weekend is a bit rough-Canadian Thanksgiving and he's on a pre-planned holiday with the kids and I'm alone, well, without the kids), I also feel empowered by the steps I've taken to take back control of MY life. Reading your messages, other posts in this forum, the F2F meetings, reawakening my faith/spirituality and the positive friends in my life are going to help see me through this. Thank you again for taking the time to read this. Again, I found your previous words inspiring and hope-filling.
