"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

confused

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Tracy,

I just wanted to ask if you have an alanon sponsor who you can talk to?

The quote that I keep going back to is a recovering alcoholic who said, "Yes I have a disease however I am still responsible for my choices."

I'm sending you love and support, you have to decide what is right for you. The best thing you can do for you is put the focus on you and everything your A says don't take it personally (as in it's not your burden to carry), he's got a disease then he needs to work it out for himself. That's not your issue or your burden, you have your own stuff to deal with and I'd be focusing on that at this point. Stay on your side of the street and clean that up.

Trust your HP too. You will know what is right and when it is right for you.

Hugs P :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Tracy, this disease is CONFUSING

I am so sorry for all this confusion I know how hard it is. Just a reminder Loving an alcoholic and being able to live with this disease are two very different things.

Alanon tools help us to gain the clarity that we need to make a decision as to our best coarse of action for our life. Each one is different and if HP guides you to your decision and you have checked your motives, then taking the right action for you is all you need do. The decision has really nothing to do with not loving him, it is all about what is best for your family and you.

Alcoholism is a baffling disease he will insist on forcing his will and refuse to understand the concepts and ideas that you present. It is not in your power to make him understand As long as you feel comfortable with moving on and letting go NO OTHER Reason is Necessary

Good Luck and Keep coming here It helps.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember when my AW used to do this to me all the time.... she would get sober, even for a day, and I was expected to treat each and every one of these "new beginnings" as just that - the past no longer counted, and I'm either moving forward with her, or I am "stuck" in the past.....

In my experience, what your A is going through does NOT warrant an answer or a response from you.... We judge our A's by their actions, not their words.... I can't see how you can give him any real response to any of it, regardless, so perhaps the best thing to do is to make no final decisions on anything at the moment, and watch how it all plays out.... Maybe he is going to find sobriety this time, maybe not.... Him asking for anything from you right now, in terms of commitment to the relationship - is hardly fair, in my opinion....

If he is serious about his sobriety - he will tell you what he is going to do, and then do it - without trying to have the strings attached to whether or not you will be waiting for him...

Just my two cents

Tom

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I soo remember the confusion.

Alcoholic behavior is not love-able, and yet alcoholics don't always exhibit the behavior. So for me, I kept getting confused because sometimes he understood the effects of his drinking and he would say he was going to quit, things would get better and he would become easier to love again. I rode the roller-coaster for years, locked in the confusion. For me, my disease is a series of experiencing high-highs and low-lows.... up and down, up and down in my addiction to unhealthy relationships. The highs were fabulous, I was "in love." The lows were devastating, I wanted to kill myself.

No more.

I am divorced from my AH, now separated for 4 years. I am in a new relationship and I can still recall the good about my AH, I still feel love for this man, the father of my children. Nothing wrong with that, we human beings are all love-able.... we are all spiritual beings having a human experience (take what you like.)

But today, I have chosen something different for myself in relationships. I have done the work of recovery, taken all the suggestions of working the steps, going to regular meetings, getting a sponsor, doing service work, working with others.... and the pay-offs are miraculous. As I have beome more healthy, I seem to have attracted a healthy relationship, which is completely devoid of all the drama and confusion of the past. Makes sense, they always told me..... peace begins with ME.

The work of my recovery is all in building and maintaining my relationship with Higher power, I cannot let go of that work. I must keep coming back. I hope you do too. ((hugs))

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 3rd of October 2011 01:33:50 PM

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 3rd of October 2011 01:36:27 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

"When we talk he always manages to make me feel that I am in the wrong no matter what he has done."

Remember no one can make us feel anything. I learned to think hey budy that is YOUR problem not mine. or even say it outloud. I did not own any of the bs.

There is nothing wrong with saying well good for you! Glad you are doing it for yourself. saying I am doing it to prove to others I can....hmmm the important part is doing it for him as we know.

And you? What are you doing? Sure you love him. Remember that thing, a fish and a bird can fall in love but where would they live?

I adore my ex AH. Have all my life. Nothing has ever stopped that. BUT I had to face he is NOT the person I married. he is not someone I choose to live with. that was a lot of it. When I got sentimental I thought, today I choose not to live with him. Today I choose not to think about him.,

Also for me it was and is, my AH is dead. this guy is a monster. I have to remember yes that is his body but his heart is gone.

In time the truth becomes reality and I believe it.

hugs, I KNOW it's not easy! So glad you come and let it out! debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

His inability to acknowledge that his actions have effects and that his behavior is contributing to the problem shows that he is not really owning his choices. Owning your choices is what A's need to do in recovery. So by insisting that the problem is completely over and has no aftereffects, he's showing that the problem is ongoing.

You don't have to agree with him, of course. He may run circles around you trying to prove this or that, but you know what you know. You don't have to convince him, and you don't have to be convinced by him.

It's true that if he doesn't start taking responsibility for his choices, he may lose you. If this is of concern to him, he knows what he has to do. He has to stop thinking relapses are just another day's agenda. My ex-AH never did get it. He never saw that every relapse frayed the connection between us a little more. Eventually I realized that the relapses were not going to stop happening. It's 16 years later and they haven't stopped yet. He lost me and I lost him. It was scary to me at the time, but I think he lost more than I did. What I "lost" was someone who didn't understand the effect his actions had on me and didn't want to understand. What kind of basis is that for a relationship?

Hugs. Keep on taking good care of yourself.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I read your share and the slogan Think, Don't React comes to my mind and let him talk, while you sit back and see his walk. Acceptance and dettachment are the 2 biggest I battle at times. I have dettached from my A and he still hounds me and tries to get me into these conversations. I have become great at avoiding it at all costs, because he knows how to get my goat everytime I take the bait, so I stopped. He used to convince me it was mostly my fault that things were so bad and make me work all the harder why he sat back and did what he did. I finally am working a solid program and hope he finds one too someday, but I am not holding my breath, I am taking care of me and my kids and living my life to the best of my ability. And without all the emotionally draining chaos, I have more energy these days to take care of me! Sending you love and support!

-- Edited by flopadopilus on Monday 3rd of October 2011 07:39:23 PM

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

For me there is a difference between making a decision and intention. Making a decision for me means it is immediately followed by an action. An intention is kinda like floating a notion as to what I would like to do, but no action.

AHs in my life float all kinds of notions. I have felt over the years that alcoholics really intend to take an action, but the drink is much too powerful. That is why it was so confusing for me as I have never understand the power of the allergy to alcohol coupled by an obsession of the mind.

Alanon is a program of action. I have come to believe that AA is as well. The only way to coast in a program of action is down hill. What works for me is when I get busy in my own recovery, I got better. There is actually an Alanon book with that name that is wonderful. When I keep the focus on my own program and leave the results up to my HP, everything else seems to fall into place.

In support,

Tommye

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"