Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What should I do
Post Info TOPIC: What should I do
worriedandlost


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
What should I do
Permalink  

Hello,

Im new here and dont currently attend Al-anon meetings although I have often thought about it. My name is Emily and I am 23.

The alcoholic in my life is my father. Although Im not sure if he is actually an alcoholic or whether my problems with him are really that big compared to others. What I do know is that I do consider him an alcoholic and it does cause me misery.

My Dad has always been a big drinker. I think it started getting bad about 12 years ago. And it really started spiralling out of control when I left home for university 5 years ago. I dont know how bad it really is since I dont live at home but I have been at home for the last few weeks. He drinks every single day and defintely cannot go a day without drinking and that has been the same for as long as I can remember. When I come back from university to visit I have often found him drinking whiskey in the morning. He always has a reason for this, hes "stressed" or he didnt sleep well. But normal people dont drink in the morning do they?

He has recently lost his job (I dont know whether this is due to drinking or not) but this means he is home all day and almost definitely drinking a lot more. The thing that has stressed me out now is I have discovered he is hiding his drinking. Every day he says he goes out for a walk and leaves the house for around 2 hours plus. However one day I left the house during that time and saw him in a local pub. Yesterday he brought home a 1.5L bottle of vodka and I noticed (and said something to him) in the evening that he had drunk over half of it in just a few hours. This evening I noticed that the bottle looked more full than previously so I took a sip and found that he had filled the bottle with water. I know that this is probably not shocking to many of you but to me it was a big shock and I ended up crying over it.

He has already seen a doctor who has diagnosed him with fatty liver which I understand is a step on the way to further health problems. But other than his health problems I also hate him when he is drunk. We used to get on very well and now I just find him very self centred and selfish especially when drunk. He no longer takes any interest in my and tends to rant at me about his views. I feel like I am walking on egg shells around him when he has been drinking, waiting for him to get angry. And he never remembers the next day.  It upsets me since we used to get on so well. I have in the past got upset and confronted him about his drinking but he always gets angry at me saying I dont understand.  He doesnt think he has a problem.

This may be insignificant compared to other peoples problems but it is really upsetting me. I am an only child and my mum divorced my father many years ago. He doesnt have any other relatives or many other friends. I just dont know what to do. it upsets me to see my father who used to be my idol deteriorating in front of my eyes.

Can anyone offer me any advice? I just feel like I should confront him. He is not going to change otherwise. Please help.

Sorry for such a long post.

xxx



__________________
canadianguy


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2962
Date:
Permalink  

Welcome to MIP, and glad you found us..... You can confront him if you want, but my experience would suggest that it isn't going to do a heckuva lot of good.... You are going to confront an alcoholic with the fact that..... he drinks??  Chances are he already knows he has a problem...

Two suggestions for you - 1. Please find an al-anon meeting for YOU.

2. The book "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews will also do you tons of good, and will help you understand what is helpful, and what may not be...

Take care

Tom



__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
lyonzgirl


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:
Permalink  

Don't underestimate your problem....it hurts you and that makes it very significant. I've found that addicts of any stripe are very selfish people; they really are. They don't mean to be, but to the addicted part of the person, nothing matters but feeding that need, whether its alcohol or drugs. Your dad loves you, he just can't seperate himself from the alcohol. And you can't do it for him. I don't know if this is the right thing, but years ago, I had to tell my mom..."I love you, but you will not drink in my home, and if you are drinking when I come to see you, I will leave." I had to learn to hang up the phone when she would call me and scream at me. The sad part is, she never really got it. My "ultimatum" as it were, didn't change her behaviour, but it FREED ME FROM HAVING TO TAKE THE ABUSE. You can lovingly tell your dad that his drinking is a problem for you, and you will not accept it, but you can't MAKE him stop...all you can do is walk away from the pain.

__________________
Valerie S. Sober
flopadopilus


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 662
Date:
Permalink  

Hi there and I am glad you found MIP. I also hope you are able to find Al-anon face to face meetings for you in your area. I grew up with addiction in my family and that is how I came to marry an alcoholic. I wish I had found Al-anon many years ago, but the tools I have gained in the short time since I have found my recovery process has been amazing. I have proven I can make it on my own and even be happy while doing it! My life will forever be far less miserable and I am so much stronger and better for the work I am doing within myself. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

__________________

 

God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

 

Aloha Worried and welcome to the  board also.  I would say that your "story" is about as classic an alcoholism share as I have heard in the years I've been in recovery.  If you stick around and read and if you read past, former shares from others you will see the similarities between theirs and yours. I most important part of your share is the part about what it has done to and for you and how that needs to change because you didn't cause the problem, can control it and certainly cannot cure it.  The only problem you can do anything about is the problem you are having with his alcoholism and when you do that it leads to a miracle for you.

Alcoholism is soooo cunning powerful and baffling and watching your Dad's addiction can be profound in revealing how strong a compulsion to drink the alcoholic has and how the allergy to alcohol shows itself in the body.  Fatty liver is just one sympton.  There are many more.

Still we are here for you.  You can turn your Dad over to God as you understand God and come here to learn and find support.  Also of course the face to face Al-Anon meeting where you will find us getting help for ourselves and supporting others is so best.   Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile



__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

welcome and good for you for going on to college!

Hon there is nothing you can do. It's hard to face. If we try they will defend till their death.

Believe me he knows anything you want to share with him. This is what makes us  go to Al Anon meetings, come here, read literature, research the disease online.

We learn to help ourselves to accept it with knowledge.

He cannot just quit anyway, he would most likely die from detoxing. My FIL did just that.

Most have to get miserable enough to want to stop themselves. They get so sick they grasp at anything to feel better as the drugs are not helping anymore. Alcohol is a drug. A body only knows it is something that destroys it.

I am so sad you are seeing your dad being so sick. It's really awful watching the ones we love dieing in front of us. My Ah was a beautiful man hon. Now he looks geez 90 years old and he is 60. I am not kidding. Plus he is no one anyone would want to be around.

I hope you keep coming. Honestly al anon can help you to feel better and feel better about your dad.

Glad you are here, debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What should I do