The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that Sundays are difficult for my alcoholic husband. They were for me for a very long time as well. Now I have an easier time learning to enjoy what the day brings, and what I am able to create with it. However, it is still tough sometimes, knowing that I have a full work week ahead, and all of that time away from my daughter. My husband is unemployed, after a year and a half. I know that unemployment is part of what he is cranky and reactive about today. He easily has bad days with that, on top of it being Sunday.
I read the daily excerpt from a book called The Language of Letting Go today, by Melody Beattie. It hit home for me, regarding dealing with my family. They have a lot of "adult child of alcoholic" and alcoholism issues. A lot of codependency. It's hard because I miss them, I want some aspects of the people they even USED to be, the ones that were loving, thoughtful, and insightful.
Anyway, back to AH. Even though I'm feeling a little ill today, and very very worn out (baby suddenly up at night, every hour), even though I do 95% of the child care (I don't even like to call it that, because I so enjoy my daughter), and even though I will be the one to get up at 6:00AM both for work and for the baby, he is impatient, reserved and snappy with me. Yes, I'm complaining.
This is where I'm supposed to turn the focus back to me, yes? I could write a book (as could most of us!). To begin with, I'm sure that 60% of my issue is the lack of sleep! I am tired of my buttons getting pushed. And, I'm tired of being confused. I worked very hard for some years to re-create my life. I was content on most levels, I actually felt joy and some security. But, if it all led me to my AH, to my current situation, then how have I not failed? Recently a counselor told me that I do have all of the skills that I used to practice, that I should recognize that I can in fact create a healthier life again. It's so hard for me to believe in this - e.g. when I have someone else telling me that all of my issues are from being an ACoA. So, is my AH really as sick as he seems, and emotionally abusive at times, or is it all my "response" and being an ACoA?
Thanks for listening.
KL
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
This is my take KL, hugs so glad to see you posting!! :)
Yes, put the focus back on you. I hear you trying to accept more than your part of the responsibility. For a long time I took on my AH's stuff feeling like it was my failings, maybe it was childhood learned unhealthy behavior, I had to decide to make a choice in what I was going to bring in and take on. The reality is unless I'm working things out with a counselor in my everyday life it doesn't matter where it came from it just is, I don't need to figure it all out. I just need to know what I am going to do with the feelings I'm dealing with in the moment not analyze them until later. Deb has often posted that AA doesn't stand for Analyze Analyze .. lol .. of course that got me thinking more, however in a good way.
I started thinking about ok how much of X situation is really my part? Even if my old issues are coming up that's separate in my thought process. My need to control is a big issue for me that I grapple with daily. Sometimes more than once during a day. Sure I could say oh yah that's related to my childhood and my need for safety. What does that do for me in the moment. Do I think that my AH should tell the neighbor that he's no longer mowing for him? Yup, do I want to let the guy know he's not .. umm .. yup .. is it really my stuff to take on .. nope not in the least. I have to stay on my side of the street.
So could you say being tired and crabby was your part .. ok .. that would work. (very honestly who wouldn't be tired after working 40+ hours outside of the home, dealing with the home stuff as well AND doing multiple roles, yes you are tired, self care for you sister mine) Him throwing old issues up at you that have nothing to do with what is really going on .. that's not yours to own. That wasn't even the issue at hand. Now that's my two cents and it's strictly my opinion. I don't know how to put it into program words that's what it boils down to me. My AH has tried recently to use the past issues even current ones as a total deflection of what is going on currently. I let him know .. yes, you have a point and if you want to discuss that at a later time that's fine THIS is what we are talking about right now let's stick to the issue at hand. We can address this other deal next or at a later time. Usually what has happened is my AH has dropped it all together, I do hear him and if it's really a valid deal I am working to take action on that issue. I'm pretty fair I think if I have an issue or it's a valid concern I will absolutely address it. If it's something that was 6 years ago no probably not .. lol.
I blathered on and I apologize .. lol .. long answer to a short question bottom line. Based upon what you shared and you would know best yes, your AH is as sick as he seems and the only thing you can do is keep the focus on you. What you are doing if you are in a HALT and what is your part and strictly your part in any given current situation.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Klotus, it sounds like you are doing great working outside of the home and taking care of your baby at night. I too think when you are HALT the brain tends to do more of the stinkin thinkin. So I am sending you love and support on your journey and want to say own your stuff and let your A own his or not. I didn't hear anything about how you are practicing self care? It is hard with a job and an infant I know, but my new favorite slogan that I want to pass forward to you is, give from your overflow not from your reserve.
When my 3 year old was new I stayed home for the first time not working for a few months and my A was so bitter and in a bad place over it. He wanted to know why I got to stay home and he had to continue to work. I told him since his milk didn't come in and he liked to sleep til noon on his days off I saw a problem with that idea! Anyhow I am glad to be a Mom and I love doting on my baby girls. My A had to take a backseat for awhile and that is how it had to be, especially when I went back to work. He could get as moody as he wanted, but I didn't have to put up with it. I have learned when I get a red flag, I know when someone is treating me wrong or right. When a sick person is telling you anything that is a problem. You can not fix a broken mind with a broken mind your's or someone else's. Keep up the great awareness and know we get red flags for a reason, believe in yourself!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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