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Hi, I've been looking around the internet trying to find some ideas to help my wife get sober, when we first met we were both drinking and hanging out in clubs, at that time I didn't feel like there was problem because we didn't drink all the time, but we did drink a lot because it was a new relationship and we were going out quite a bit.
She had some pretty traumatic things happen in her life and her drinking escalated to the point that she now drinks pretty much every, single day, she wakes up and is irratable until she starts drinking, but she doesn't drink like she used to, she now will drink until she is totally incoherant, she is EXTREMELY abusive towards me (mostly verbal, but things got physical over the weekend) and is completely incapable of reasoning, if I try to get her to lay down and sleep it off, she will fight me over it, or just wait until I finally am so worn out that I fall asleep.
I feel like a prison guard!, if she leaves the house alone, I KNOW she will stop at the liquor store and get a bottle, I am finding them EVERYWHERE!, and I'm always finding glasses all over the place that have had liquor in them, the other day I was looking for some shoes in our closet and found one of her hiding places and it was just full of empty bottles, my day consists of taking care of her to make sure she doesn't do anything bad, and trying to keep everyone in our family from finding out what's going on.
If I bring up trying to get her help she tells me that I'm a drinker too, and I have to stop if she does (which really wouldn't be that big of a deal since I don't drink a lot, I go weeks without drinking at all) BUT!!!...it pisses me off that she turns it around on me, and I don't drink like she does!
So, my main question is this, I DO love this woman, and want to do whatever it takes to help her, but...how should I go about this?, I feel like her telling me I have to stop drinking is a control issue more than anything else, and while I would never try to rub it in her face, I feel like it is unfair of her to TELL me I have to stop if she does, I'm all for support, but drinking is not an issue for me the way it is for her.
And one other thing that Is pretty bad about all of this is, she blacks out pretty much every time she drinks now, so she doesn't really remember all of the things she has done drunk when she sobers up, which by the way, she is a GREAT person when she's sober!, my entire family just ADORES her!, but up until this last weekend they haven't really seen the things that I have to deal with because I've done a pretty good job sheltering everyone from it, and I've been doing this for about 4 or 5 months now, and THAT also makes me feel guilty because I feel like my covering everything up is just enabling her to continue to drink, that and the fact that I forgive her for it every single time!
How should I handle this?...thank you for taking the time to read this,,,
Welcome you are in the right place, Alanon is for those of us who are tired of trying to change the other person. It's a program for us so we can get off the crazy train and lead a fulfilling life, it does not matter if you are with your sig other or not, if they are drinking or not. You will find all kinds of different people in a face to face meeting as well as here on the boards. Addiction does not discriminate, it doesn't matter what kind of job, what kind of income, race, religion do not factor in either, .. etc.
Her drinking is her problem and it is up to her to fix it. What you can do is put the focus back on you and instead of being the alcohol police you can still love your AW and find compassion without being a doormat. I hope you will consider going to an alanon meeting so you can find a way to help you deal with the craziness that goes on in the reality of living with an active problem drinker. If her drinking bothers you alanon is so right for you.
I actually didn't hear about the 3 C's until I came to the boards here at MIP, I must have however it didn't register for some reason .. I'm a slow learner at times. The reality is I didn't Cause my AH's drinking, I can't Control it and I won't Cure it.
How alanon has helped me is that my focus went from how do I "help" my AH to what is best for me. Best for me winds up being best for my AH too. Leaving him, it's not that it's not an option, I love my AH very much and for me I can do this, .. today. How I will feel tomorrow or next week I don't know, .. today, I am learning tools to help me cope. Because I am in a better place I see I have many different choices. There is not just two, leave or stay. I have many other choices I can make.
I hope you will stick around and get to know us, there is such a wealth of information I don't know if I've ever had a day where I sat down and did some reading that I didn't learn something that I was able to apply to my own situation.
Hugs, you aren't alone, it does get better, putting the focus on you makes a big difference. You aren't going to fix her or control her, you can only fix yourself and control how you choose to react to any given situation.
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I would first like to welcome you to MIP. There are so many of us here including myself who understand your problems as few others could. If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help.
For me the 3 C's of Alcoholism really helped me when I was new. They are:
You did not Cause it
You cannot Control it
You cannot Cure it
There is one more "C" that is in our Alanon literature. It is I can "Contribute" to it. The best thing I could do for my spouse who is a black out drinker as you described is to go to my first Alanon meeting and be willing to listen and learn something new. It is suggested that you go to at least six or more meetings before making a decision as to whether or not Alanon is right for you. Reaching out here to MIP was a relief for me. Going to face to face meetings of alanon is where I began my journey of recovery. I began to learn new tools which helped me to learn about the disease of alcoholism and how I could learn how to take my hands off others and cease trying to change them.
The only person I can control is myself. I have many loved ones in my life that are active drinkers, including a spouse. I however have found that working the steps in Alanon with a face to face sponsor has led me to a more peaceful life. I do it one day at a time.
It is mentioned in a story in the back of the BB as well as our Alanon meeting opener that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered, and no unhappiness to great to be lessened.
I do so thank you for your post today. I hope that you will continue to share so that we can get to know you better.
One book I would highly recommend is "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews..... it was a lifesaver for me....
The bottom line is that your wife's alcoholism is making YOU sick right now, and you will learn the skills - in Al-Anon, in the GTS book, etc., to get that energy and focus back onto the only person you can really control/change - you....
I wish you well, and please keep coming back. There are several men on this site who are, or have been, where you are today..... I'm sure you'll find lots of great help here - men and women alike.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi there and welcome to MIP! I second reading the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, it was so helpful and the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. There are so many people who I have met in face to face Al-anon meetings including my sponsor that have shown me I am in the right place and getting healthier all the time! I am sending you courage and support on your journey and I hope you can find local meetings for yourself.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
