The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife has relapse after 3 yrs, saying that a drink is the only way she can take the edge off suicidal depression which she feels results from feeling boxed in by everyone telling her what to do -- me, her sponser, my son.
She has stopped going to AA saying that she finds it just makes het feel bad about herself with its focus on her defficiencies. I am sure that these reactions are typical; but they are real in her mind.
My problem is how i deal with this. I attend al anon and find its focus on my health helpful, but i don't seem to get specific answers to questions about how i should behave in a way that is supportive;EG:
How should i rreact on the ocaasions when she drinks but does not get drunk?
How do i meet my responsibiblities to our family if if i don't at least discuss the disaster which awaits us if this continues?And should i raise this before it becomes a real problem?
When we are alone and she drinks ,I sinply leave; but what do i do if we are out in some place when I can't leave?
We keep alchol locked away.What should i do when she asks for thekey?
What do I tell her about my son's comment to me that he doea not want me to bring her around if she has been drinking?
What is my responsibilty to control sitauations so that she cannot drive when she becomes inebriated?
Should i take steps to protect our family financially from her decisions before there is a disaster?
Where do i get specific answers to these type of questions? I can't wait for a full understanding of the 12 steps, and their implications. I need help now.
I would first like to say that I am glad you are attending meetings and finding help for yourself. The answers you are looking for are to be found within your own being. Alanon gave me the tools thru the steps and meetings to find myself,know what I needed tod o to be sane, and helped me to move in a positive direction. Since each of us carries the answer to our own life within, we cannot give rules and directions as to the right way to behave.
;Search yourself for what feels right for you an talk it over at the meetings. Remember your spouse is familiar with 12 Step programs and understands the language and philosophy.
Here are some answers that feel right for ME
Your QuestionHow should I react on the occasions when she drinks but does not get drunk?
MY Answer: Alanon suggests that we keep the focus on ourselves and at all time say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean. I would have a consistent boundary for myself i.e.
If you are going to drink I will go home, leave the party, I am not comfortable being around alcohol while you are drinking
Your Question How do I meet my responsibilities to our family if I don't at least discuss the disaster which awaits us if this continues?And should I raise this before it becomes a real problem?
My answer: again she is familiar with AA and 12 step programs Asking to talk, while she is sober is the best way to address the issue. Keep the focus on yourself, stay detached discuss the disease aspect of alcoholism and how it is a progressive disease that can be arrested and not cured. Ask her does she truly know that the only true outcome is recovery, institutions or death. Alcohol is a depressant and will not help with her suicidal depression It will increase it. That you love her and would like for her to seek help.
Your Question When we are alone and she drinks ,I simply leave; but what do I do if we are out in some place when I can't leave?.
My answer We always have choices. Leaving is the best way to take care of you. She can find her way home but I would make sure she understood the boundary before going out.
Your Question We keep alcohol locked away.What should I do when she asks for the key?
My Answer: Keeping it locked away from whom? If it is the children then if she needs the key then she has a right to it. We are powerless over alcohol if she is going to drink she is going to drink Either stop keeping it in the house altogether or let her know where the key is.
Your question What do I tell her about my son's comment to me that he doea not want me to bring her around if she has been drinking?
My Answer I would not report what your son said to you about her drinking. I would ask him to talk to her himself as you cannot be in the middle with this issue. I would do a blanket statement, that I will not go anyplace with her if she is drinking and then make sure you keep it.
Your Question What is my responsibly to control situations so that she cannot drive when she becomes inebriated?
MY Answer This is a very hard one I have taken keys, and refused to return them I could not handle the fact that someone else could be hurt by the alcoholic behavior. Many others disagree with this approach
Your question Should I take steps to protect our family financially from her decisions before there is a disaster?
I assume she didn't get to A.A. 3 years ago by accident and you didn't start Al-Anon by accident. I'll bet in the past you may have already set boundries about her drinking.
If she is really suidical, she needs professional help. Drinking will only make her depression worse. And she KNOWS this if she's been attending A.A.!
I usually try to aviod direct advice and stick to my own experience BUT since you asked for specific answers:
In my opinion you should not tolerate this new behavior and do everything possible to protect yourself and your kids.
*How should i rreact on the ocaasions when she drinks but does not get drunk?
Do you really think she can drink 'normally' now when she couldn't in the past?
*How do i meet my responsibiblities to our family if if i don't at least discuss the disaster which awaits us if this continues?And should i raise this before it becomes a real problem?
Why do you think you can't talk about this? You should!
*When we are alone and she drinks ,I sinply leave; but what do i do if we are out in some place when I can't leave?
Why can't you leave? You can always leave.
*We keep alchol locked away.What should i do when she asks for thekey?
If she has a drinking problem why even keep it in the house? So she is more likely to relapse?
*What do I tell her about my son's comment to me that he doea not want me to bring her around if she has been drinking?
The trurth. That your son even doesn't want to be around when she is drinking.
*What is my responsibilty to control sitauations so that she cannot drive when she becomes inebriated?
It's not your job to be the alcohol and drug police. Your job is to set 'reasonable' boundries. No longer tolerating someone's addictive behaviour is a reasonalbe boundry.
*Should i take steps to protect our family financially from her decisions before there is a disaster?
Yes!
You may also want to consider individual counselling.
-- Edited by rrib on Sunday 2nd of October 2011 02:50:35 PM
Thanks so much for the quick replies. It has been really helpful in getting my mind around our situation. The good news is that my wife is saying 'this isn't workign", and is talking about going to AA this week -- over to you God! Chemprac.
I see many people on this site recommending the book GETTING THEM SOBER. I haven't read that one yet - guess I should get a copy.
A book that made a huge difference to me is Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Frankly, until I saw it in print I had no idea.
