"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

forced surrender .. submission ? obssessive compulsive more so ..

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

i might sound pitiful .. but it's where i am .. then what is it that makes me jump to the berating myself for feeling my feelings and just saying what it is .. just hurts .. i'm angry because i want someone to feed my denial .. yet that won't help Me .. self harm never did anyone any good .. although denial is a shock absorber for the soul and mine could really use some absorbing .. again i know it's not gonna help though .. but how can this man just walk away from 10 years without ever really choosing to change .. or even try .. i just don't get it .. i feel So incredibly robbed .. maybe even flawed as though someone because of his choices there's something wrong with me ..

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

You don't sound pitiful in the sense that you would choose to be in this place you are at, you sound like you are hurting and need to mentally rationalize with something that is like nailing jello to a tree. This is a totally irrational situation and making deals with an addict to find answers, you'd be better off making a deal with the devil himself because you will never get a straight answer. There is no right answer (or right answer we want to hear).

Pain is pain. Some pain opens very old wounds that have never really healed. Be gentle with yourself. I often tell myself I may be perfectly imperfect that's ok, God (my HP) never makes mistakes. Ok .. flawed we'll go with that word, there is nothing about you where your HP doesn't love you and want what is best for you.

You are going to get through this and you are going to be ok. It's going to take time and effort on your part to find yourself and be all that your HP wants you to be. During my most trying times I often look to my kids, what example do I want to send to my kids. What is the legacy I leave them? Are they going to say Wow mom was something and smile or say WOW mom was a nutcase can you believe what we had to put up with, she was nuts! Well, they will probably say she was nuts, however I'm ok with that .. lol.

Hugs P :)

hawaiilover · Senior Member

There is nothing compulsive about what you are feeling. You gave this relationship 10 years of your life. You made sacrifices and hoped that it would work. Now, things turned out differently. Yes. You continue to grieve and write about your pain. We all grieve differently. Noone can walk in your shoes. Others here have gone through similar situations and can give you hope. This feeling will take time to overcome. It is painful. Losing a loved one isn't easy. It does not have to be death to hurt. We are human beings and are filled with emotions and feelings that must be expressed. What you need now is unconditional love and we are here to give it to you. Allow yourself to be human and feel those emotions. Time heals wounds. Proceed with caution! Rest up. Find some fun things to do. Read up on grief. Listen to motivational speakers. Do whatever you need to do to keep your sanity. I hope you have a sponsor. I find it helpful to talk to a sponsor. Please, keep coming back. We have some strong people on this forum. Take advantage of that opportunity to grow and heal.

Hugs to u.

Hawaii

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

You're not pathetic at all, but you are hurting..... This is where the proverbial 'rubber hits the road' in our program..... Do you want your focus and energy to be on him (i.e. the one you have NO control over), or do you want it to be on you (i.e. the one you DO have control over).

They say our program is "simple, but not easy", and this is a great example.... Today, your focus is/was on him..... what he is doing, why he is doing it, how can he just walk away, etc.... I recognize it, because I did exactly the same thing, as did many others on here.....

One of the great lines on this site.....

"he will either drink (or move, or cheat, or live in denial, etc) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Time to turn all that energy angst and focus back onto YOU..... Life will play out as it plays out - recovery - for you - IS an option available to you....

Keep coming back

Tom

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello,

I am pretty certain that I understand your feelings. For example, I felt a bit flawed when my husband of 36 years "apppeared" to choose alcohol and not our marriage. I spent a lot of years berrating myself and trying to control him, even though I did it in the name of "helping him."

Cutting through the chase: The very best thing I did for me was to begin focusing on what was in my power/control. Al-Anon has helped me be strong and do what I need to do.

I am not making these changes so that it will help him; I do it for me because I realize now that I can only make myself happy and can only control me. However, I have noticed as I take better care of myself, my attitude towards him has changed for the better. Consequently, we are now on a good path to a relationship that is healthy.

Bitter pill to swallow, but we can only take care of and control ourselves. When we think we can control others, it's an illusion. We often can't see that, however.

Take good care, Gail

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello MeTwo2 - my perception of my ex-AH is that, because of his drinking, he has moved in and out of a lot of relationships when the female gets sick and tired of the games and leaves - hardening his heart to the pain of losing a good thing. He's used to being closed off - was always that way now that I look back on it, never really giving in to any true feelings in order to protect his heart from the expected pain of losing another relationship. He can cry, has real emotions but they don't drive him to make any changes in himself since it is always the female that leaves him - they are the ones with the problems. He can move into new relationships searching for a female that won't abandon him regardless of what he does. I have been away from him for almost a year and have no desire whatsoever to seek any type of relationship; on the contrary, I feel the effects of the damage more today as I contemplate whether dating is something I want to start again and realize how negative my emotions about the whole boy/girl scene still are.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

All of this posting (which is perfectly fine by the way) tells me you really don't want to be alone right now and you need support. Please go to a face to face Alanon meeting. It will help. I went to my first 12 step meeting fresh off a break up of a 7 year relationship. I was a crying mess. That is what people in the program are there for.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

First off .. there are so many words of wisdom in these shares that I'm just so grateful to each of you sincerely ..

I do my f2f meetings .. this is also why it's so absolutely painful .. I started f2f some years back to change him .. i stayed because I recognised finally one day my obssession was how i was affected through the years .. after awhile i did recognise that obssession period is how i've been affected .. if it wasn't him it would have been something else .. but we all work through at our own pace and this relationship has been seriously like walking through 10 years of intense very emotional therapy .. I can't even begin to say how intense and how much i've learned through the years .. Still .. I'm only just learning now that all of these years of obssessing and just now realising the slogan is think .. not think think think think .. what i'm recognising is how many times i've said through this relationship .. hold on .. let me just think about something .. what i've really been saying is hold on let me just obssess .. when i'm obssessing i'm just now beginning to see i'm not really even thinking .. i'm merely entertaining ..

The hardest part is through this relationship The pain has provided the Most growth .. last week i was in the midst of many spiritual awakenings .. had the serenity joy but also the serenity sadness .. yet the joy again was from looking at and understanding me .. I'm also, however, in a place of looking at just My part .. what i was doing and if i'm honest with myself .. i've done many things to provoke or worsen situations whether i've caused them or not .. the anger ?? why am i seeing them now in the end .. the insanity i know in my heart i couldn't have seen anything without the pain & grief .. maybe the change is so incredibly sad because as i leave pieces of me in the past, higher power replaces them with pieces of Him .. the hard part is .. he doesn't always replace them Just like that .. some things get removed and it takes a little while .. what i'm also learning this week is all week i kept thinking i just can't be the one to sit with him while he visits our daughter .. driving to the meeting this morning i began to recognise the reads that say our greatest defects will become our greatest assets .. many times the gifts come through the pain .. i could say no but what learning am I passing up .. what gifts am i denying myself .. I hear my higher power's voice in the dark so to speak saying trust me ... and deep down i know i will and do more than don't .. but there's times i just wish there were another way .. it's all devastating to me ..

Especially because we met today .. first time in 4 weeks .. I just got home .. Even now i'm feeling the pain and worse because we met but i'll be pounding meetings this week and using everything i go through to look in Me .. as best i can .. not him to see what's going really going on in me .. It was incredibly hard watching him drive away .. again it all feels so surreal .. especially when everything in me .. Probably the disease in me just wants to cry out for him to come back and make some sort of desperate attempt to keep him with me .. which i won't .. just hard to see that people also aren't just taken out just like that .. sometimes they are removed one piece at a time too ..

Everything in each one of these shares really hit home for me .. I needed Every single thing i've heard .. without you all i'm not sure i would have had the courage to go meet him today .. i can only imagine where i'd be without this program .. dang i can't even imagine .. along with everything else that jumped out canadian guy's asking me if i want my focus to be on him who I have No control over or me whom I do .. stuck with me and i believe it's what kept me focusing .. that and remembering everything that went with it by all of you ..

to top it off i read in the beginning of the these rooms under one of the headings that the person often hear's the wives, spouses, mothers, families say something about the way the behaviors are and why don't they change it .. it's all insanity .. the response was that they answered their own questions .. because they are insane .. it's coming to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity ..

I'm going to try to focus on me more as in clearer grounded thinking .. but please be patient with me because wow .. i'm truly hurting .. it's my own thinking causing me to feel the pain in the pit of my stomach and smoke like a train .. not his .. but one meeting at a time and really i am holding together a little better than i sound but of course the pain can be read through my words here .. your genuine support can be read and felt too however and for that i'm truly truly grateful !! Thank you

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I grieved for a very long time over my relationship with my A and now I get hurt and mad and I take a long walk with my HP and nature or a bike ride. When I am really worked up I hit my treadmill and wear myself out and it helps my mind from spiraling onto my obsession my A. In a short time I have become healthier physically and emotionally and there is nothing wrong with that. My self esteem took a much needed boost and the more energy I put into me, the more I have to give. I heard a slogan Give from your overflow and not your reserves! What a great thing to know that when I have little to give, give to myself. When I have extra, share it. I read Al-anon literature regularly and I hand my A over to God on a very regular basis, everytime I have to trade kids or see him, I know I will need me time afterward to get myself back in balance. It has gotten easier for me over time and I meet with my sponsor and attend meetings regularly. It sounds like you are aware of where you are at and know you need time to practice self care. Keep up the good work! I am sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"