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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Lookin for help/guidance
Post Info TOPIC: Lookin for help/guidance
NeedingGuidance


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Lookin for help/guidance
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For the last little while I thought our problems were mine and had mire to do with me then the alcohol but after some thought I believe that is just as much part of the problem. I love my Boyfriend, that I know. His drinking I have come to hate. (yes on occassion I will have a glass of wine but rarely). A little background...we have been together for four years. I have two children from my marriage and he and I have a child together (baby). I knew he drank, not to the extent he does now but I knew it was a daily thing for him. Since we have had the baby he's made a few comments like "I can't wait until you can drink again" which I find both sad and annoying. I remind him that it will be a very long time before I drink again but the truth is the thought kind of makes me sick. He works out of ton A LOT. He spends his nights drinking with coworker. I'm currently on maternity leave. I look after the house, children, pets. I will be the first to admit I do not like confrontation and I'm not very good in relaionships at speaking my mind - work it's not an issue at all - but things just seemto be getting worse and I really think alcohol plays a big factor. I'm angry about so many things... - finances - I pay all of the bills with the exception of the odd grocery bill he will pay when he's home. Typically it means everything I earn goes on the house and children. I don't think it's fair but I blame myself because I never really laid the ground rules when he move in. Now that I'm off work for a whole money is tighter and it's getting hard for me to continue. (we both make a very decent living and there is no need for us to struggle). I resent that he can go out and buy whatever while I try and sometimes fail now to just get buy. - children - mine or ours because he is away so much they are entirely my responsibility and I'm okay with that. I love them, they are my life. The baby is what some woul consider high needs. She doesn't sleep a lot, likes to be carried all of the time. She is ablot of work, but so worth it. However, when he is home and I'm hoping for a break it just doesn't happen and when it's done it is brief - PETs and housework - all mine again. No help when I'm home but he will spend hours playing with his truck or the hot tub. - extended family - his mother refers to me as "she" or "her". She is jut plain rude by nature and has a habit of saying things to offend people but I've pretty much had enough. When i brought it to his attention he responded with she has always been that way. My response, because you all allow it and I would like him to say something to her. He won't because that is how she is and it won't help. (defend me please!). So I plan on defending myself when I shouldn't have to. Even his sister wants me to keep her on the loop about the baby... I have enough to do, I have told her to call anytime don't leave it up to me, phones work both ways - his work - I am totally okay with him being away so much. It gives me alone time with the kids, it can be really hard and I miss him but it's okay. I HATE having to talk to him every night. I know he will be drunk. I know I will hear the same thing over and over again. I know he rarely asks about us and that hurts. At home when he's drinking it's far less. Out of town it's ridiculous. I actually refuse to call him because I can't gaige how drunk he is. Occassionally he will tell me that he ate and went to bed but the truth is he drank too much and forgot. I'm also not okay with him being too hungover to help when he's home. To me that's just unfair. I never hated alcohol but I can safely say I do now. He forgets soany conversations we have had. When I have hinted that I need help financially by the next day he has forgotten. I hate talking to him when he's drunk, I hate never being able to have a serious conversation about our life because he either won't remember or it just won't happen. I can never go out alone or anywhere without the baby because I won't leave her with him if he's been drinking. We don't go anywhere because he drinks. I don't know why after all this time it's all bothering me but I really can't take it anymore. His drinking is worse but I have to give him credit for drinking and driving with a baby. I love him. I don't want to leave him. I just really need to know how to liveneith him and deal with the alcohol. I'm so tired of being angry and being grumpy with him and he just doesn't seem to understand. (he feels it's sleepless nights from the baby) I feel like everything is getting out of control and I do think so much of it has to do with alcohol. Any advice?

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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Your share was very common sad to say. I was in your shoes except it was my husband.

I felt I grew up, but he did not in so many ways. When a person drinks, they stay at the same maturity level as when they started drinking and or using other drugs. When we have kids, our desires change. We think about taking care of the family, not going out and partying.

He can't, he is sick with addiction. You are describing many of the symptoms of an addict.

I am sorry I am sure this is not what you want to hear.

Al Anon can help you come to an awareness you don't have now. It can help you to decide what is best for you and your kids. We can learn to live with an Active alcoholic. With kids its even harder.

We cannot change anyone but us. We can make boundaries like, please do not call me when you are drinking. If you are drunk I will say I love you, thanks for calling, goodbye, for instance.

In Al anon we learn to think about what we want, how can we make our lives better with or without the A.

I squeezed every moment I could with my second husband. I knew he was sick. So compassion really worked for me.

My first husband and I had two babies. He went and partied, then would not come home.Here i would be dragging my kids out hunting for him. I had no idea that was not the thing to do.

I was a good mom. I stopped that bolony. Sadly he did drive drunk with our babies. I told him I was getting a divorce .I loved him but would not put our babies at risk. That same week end he got drunk, was walking on the highway after a huge bash here at an Oregon reservoir and was in an accident and died a week later.

If we choose to stay with an A I learned I must protect me. I mean in every way possible, finances, vehicle etc but sadly things can still go wrong. my second marriage he took my credit cards, debit cards forged my name, ruine my perfect credit, all my saving stolen. Lost everything. I did have the mind to get life insurance thank goodness,

But that will never bring back my sweet husband. His disease stole him away.

Its so hard when you are young. I am proud of you, getting ready to stand up to his family. I learned right here, we teach others how to treat us. I will say to someone, I deserve to be treated with respect. and/or I will say HEY don't treat me like that!

I will ask people to please not use profanity in front of me.

Its very ok to love YOU. Your kids will be better for it I promise.

Getting Them Sober by toby rice drew is an excellent book that is easy to read and will open your eyes.

Your bf is very sick hon. I learned great compassion from Al Anon for people with this horrible disease of addiction.

I am so glad you are here. hoping you will keep coming. love,debilyn

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
hawaiilover


Senior Member

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Posts: 180
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@Deb: Powerful posts. I learned things about you I did not know. Thanks for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. It really inspired me!

@Needing Guidance: You received great feedback from Deb. I will share a bit about me. I am also married to an alcoholic husband. He drinks daily and drinks and drives as well. My mom and disabled daughter live with us; however, I do not allow them to ride with him ever. If he wants to drink and drive, there is nothing I can do to stop it. He needs to reach his own bottom. We have been married for 36 yrs. To maintain my sanity, I attend Alanon meetings, have a sponsor, work the 12 steps, attend online meetings like this forum, read Alanon approved literatures, and connect with Alanon members inbetween meetings.  These things have helped my growth and have given me tools and resources to deal with my alcoholic husband. Keep coming back!

Hawaii



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