Did I do the right thing? - Al-Anon Family Group

KeepingFaith · Member

Did I do the right thing?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Everyone has a right to express their feelings. Whether he read the text or not?

I am glad you have chosen Al Anon. I tell ya it is the only thing that kept me sane. I was with my A for over thirty years.

The book,"Getting Them Sober," by Toby Rice Drew taught me so much and cont. to. Many of us recommend it.

Keep coming here, read the posts. you will see yourself in many of them.

Also at the bottom of my post here there is a site and number to call to find a face to face meeting in your area. People LOVE to see new members as we do too.

We can do nothing for the A except take care of us and not take their disease personally. He is very sick, and the behavior is from insanity. The brain and body are very sick from all those drugs.

Please keep coming! love,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you have found us. There is much wisdom among the people here.

Stating a boundary that you will not be abused, ignored, etc. is certainly not wrong. I think many of us, though, start out stating our boundaries as a way to try to control our A. We haven't yet absorbed the three C's of Al-Anon: you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. The only one we can control is ourselves.

The way boundaries really work is when we know where we need to draw the line (for instance, that they can't abuse us) and we know what we're going to do if that happens. We have to be ready to actually do it, not just threaten it. And then if it happens, we do it -- not to control them, but to protect ourselves. In those instances, some people don't even feel the need to tell their A's ahead of time that they're going to draw the boundary and protect themselves. They just do it. And that's what protects us.

Part of our recovery is learning when and how to draw boundaries and keep ourselves safe. I hope you can stick around, read all you can on these board and at meetings, and take good care of yourself.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so very glad you are here...you will meet people in Alanon who understand like few others can....

We all have very similar stories the who what when how may all be different but the Why tends to be the same

You seem to already know you didn't cause it, can't control it and you can't cure alcoholism

It took me years to begin to get the idea of taking care of me and years longer to make decisions based on what is in MY best interest... you sound very bright, perhaps enlightenment is coming more quickly for you...

As you sound...I love my "qualifier" (the alcoholic in my life) very very much..most of us do..I have learned (although it still puts a knott in my stomach sometimes) that I can love him and detach from him to save myself..it took almost loosing relationship with my daughter, grandson, aging parents and friends to help me see I was loosing myself and I and my family were worth doing things differently..

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi and welcome; you are at the right place. As someone who's been there done that, of course you want to knock sense into him and the last thing you should do is feel guilty about it. Boundaries are very, very important - you just have to stick to them. No, you're not terrible for saying those things to him. You told him you'd support him in recovery, which is kind and caring. Guilt is natural and unfortunately all too common among loved ones of alcoholics, but it isn't going to help you, and now more than ever you have to put yourself first.

I've found the most frustrating thing to do is engage the A in an argument, (especially when he's drunk). I tried for over 2 years and he only seemed to put up more resistance. It's been hard, but I'm learning that setting boundaries, sticking to them, and calmly letting the A know what isn't tolerable is the only way I can have any peace. Whether he will follow suit and sober up is up to him and his HP - but at least you will take care of yourself.

I also really recommend "Getting Them Sober." It is fantastic, and whenever I feel I'm slipping into a familiar pattern, I go back to it and it sets me back on track.

KeepingFaith · Member

Thank you! :) I do have that book. When this all became reality for me a couple months ago, I read it and it frustrated me. I was still too close in the situation & in denial of his alcoholism. I wasnt ready to accept the reality that I had no control over his addictions. I read it again a couple nights ago and found so much more help, comfort, and sanity from it. It is a wonderful book! Thank you for welcoming me! Im excited to check out the meetings :) I spent the last year in his denial as he tried to keep all this hidden from me. Telling me that his head was messed up & he needed space. I gave it to him because his life outside us is complex and for as long as I've known him, he was always honest and has the most deep loving heart I've ever seen in a man. He would support me when I wanted to grow and do what he could to make us happy. Bit as he slipped further into the disease, he pulled away more & more. His excuses became abundant and all the while was afraid of losing me, but also creating situations where I felt he was pushing me to end things with him. My stubbornness wouldn't give in. So I kept fighting for us and refused to give up on is. The night he admitted that he had been taking Ambien & was trying to wean off it he only admitted because I was at the end of being left in the dark. I asked him then if he told his doctor how much he drank & he got very agitated, avoided talking about it & promised we would talk about "everything in a week or two because his BP was going up & he couldn't handle the discussion right now." So I agreed. That was July 21. Since then we had made several dates to meet and talk. Every one he has broken :( I started seeing an addictions counselor for me since the beginning of August when I put it all together and realized how serious this was. I started out hoping I could find a way to help him & realized how much I was really needing to help me. It's frustrating because no one else in his world will call him out on it. His 1 closest buddy brings the beer right to him. His family is in denial "oh that's just J" and his coworkers do the same "eh he's always been that way" So now that I've said what I needed to get off my chest, he still hasn't responded to me. And I know he's waiting for me to cave in & apologize. I happily admit I want to reopen communication, but I will not go against myself. I'm terrified I've lost him. I miss him, but then again, I've missed him for over a year now. And I don't like him this way. And I'm afraid he'll Avoid feeling the loss of our relationship by convincing himself that I'm a bitch for pushing him. I know hes sick and I don't want to abandon him. But we have gotten to a point where we can only exist silent in this fantasy world of his. He even told me this past May "I have a hundred and ten pounds of stress I have to get through and you're my goal." i now understand how honest he was being with me. However, he doesn't remember saying that to me. He doesn't remember anything we've shared in the last 6 months, let alone year. And this man had a memory that was scary!! Lol. He used to remember things we talked about 13 years ago. So I'm very sad to see how much this is destroying him and I honestly feel his pain. I'm working on detaching and accepting. I'm just so afraid that he won't wake up. And I'm so sad he refuses to open up to me and could just let me go. :(

KeepingFaith · Member

So I reread "Getting Them Sober" again... I def am wondering if my last voice mail msg was Enough for him to know that I have had enough. His nonresponse to me is either because he thinks I will cave and contact him again, or his passive-aggressive "I'm no good for her/shes better off without me". Either way, I still feel unclosed and alone...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Keeping the Faith...I also learned in Al-Anon from an early sponsor to identify who it was that I was speaking to; My wife or my alcoholic and then asking myself what response was I looking for from either one. The last word of the 2nd step on the 12 steps of Al-Anon is came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could lead us to SANITY. As others have mentioned the disease of addicition is about living in insanity and by myself I have no power at all trying to move around it or around in it. I move around it with expectations that some kind of rational will prevail only to fall down kicking and screaming and tantruming when she didn't get it again!!. They are not supposed to get it because they are under the constant influence of a mind and mood altering chemical that holds control and I could never tell when it was gone and I might have a turn finding a sane balance with my alcoholic/addict wife. I finally got it!! It ain't gonna happen until she groups up with a bunch of recovering people in AA and or NA and they snap her out of her nether world and she would have to want that to happen in the first place.

I finally got permission to stop and get on with my life without looking back over my shoulder to see if she had stopped her craziness and was looking out at me and wanting to catch up. Didn't happen and is a part of the insanity of the disease.

I love my ex alcoholic/addict wife and don't need her to be responsible for my happiness or sadness like I use to. I am responsible for my own life and the consequences of my choices. Others had to teach me that and those others are found in the face to face meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family groups. The number for that program in your area is in the white pages of your local telephone book and when you call that number they will tell you where and when we get together.

Keep coming back here also cause there are some very powerful, experienced, recovering people right on the otherside of your keyboard. Be patient, listen with an open mind, learn and then practice, practice, practice what others in recovery learned how to do.

(((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.