I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.  I'm sure you've been thinking the saying He's going to do what he's going to do...

I don't know if you're on the fence about the wedding or if you're definitely going ahead.  In my own life, I wish I had been more cautious about plunging into things with my alcoholic.  He had all kinds of assurances about how things would change after we were married.  I believe that he believed that himself.  But nothing changed (except for getting worse).  When I think how my life might have gone differently if I had held off ... Well, it's water under the bridge for me now, but if I could go back and do things differently, I would.  So good that you are getting some awareness and recovery now.  Keep on taking care of yourself.

I am not sure I can give yo umuch ESH on the A front, but I can on the planning a wedding front and only being 37 days out.

At this point, make sure all your loose ends are tidied up.  It is almost guaranteed that 'something' unexpected will come up regarding the wedding that you will have to deal with inthe weeks preceeding.  Ensure the last week you have scheduled time for fun with your interstate visitors and that everything is totally been seen to that you can think of.

If he wants to go into rehab at this point in time.... you don't have control over that.  If it works out that it happens and he gets in, let them know of the time and date of your wedding and how it could 'fit in' with the plans.

In my experience, if I think the timing is bad, and I say so, the other person would say "I wanted to do it, but you said I couldn't".  It woudl come back to bite me in the proverbial.

For me, at this close time to the wedding, my priority was the last wedding arrangements and planning the fun times with friends and family who were coming interstate.

I had a contingency plan also at my wedding(s) for any drunken or in my case, stoner, behaviour.  I stated I was leaving at midnight, my first wedding I took a stumbling drunken new husband home at midnight and the others partied on.  The wedding was in my own home but I took him to a motel.  If anything 'bad' happened, it happened away from guests. My second wedding, we were at a motel that was close to the reception and we watched the other drunkards leave (we didn't drink at our wedding) and my husband was straight on that day.  I told him if I think he is stoned when standing at the altar, I will not sign the papers.

How exciting... a wedding.. I love weddings.

 

Hi, I hope you do not base your wedding on being any big life changing event for him. Things are not going to be any different if you are married. Except they you will be responsible for some of the things that will come up as the years pass becuz he is very sick with a disease.

rehab or not, he is still very ill.  One thing I always share that I experienced, and for me too late is, I wish I had started putting my vehicles in my name only, insurance bank accounts everything in my name only.

A's are usually too sick to be able to depend on them not to drink everything you have away.

We have zero control over what they do or decide. To say rehab, now really? Shows me there is so much not understood,

Its no different than a person with cancer saying, I need to start chemo, or  someone with MS going to therapy He is very, very sick, rehab is to help him with his disease.

It's sad how the seriousness of this disease is not understood. It's not like they are just drinking to enjoy it., Their bodies crave it, they cannot just quit.

I loved and love my ex AH. But after knowing what I know now, I would have never gotten married.  I hope you will attend Al Anon and read here and share.

Of course we love them, but love has zero to do with it, Love cannot make a disease go away. Love does not stop them from drinking and driving, lying, not being reponsible etc. Their brains are very retarded as they cont. to use.

Things come up people don't even think about. Honey did you remember to pay the house payment? ya ya, well then you get a notice of non payment for six months or your car gets towed off,.

Or your savings are gone. They lie. It's part of the disease.

Myself if  had known all it meant no way would I have married him. If Alcohol is not involved they don't want to go. They get sick a lot. It gets so much worse as the years go on.

I am sorry to share this experience. Its a serious issue. I hope he does go to Rehab, and when he gets out he will be very tender, and may be scared, May stay clean awhile, may drink on the way home.

thirty days is nothing for this disease. The best recovery programs I have seen are ones who go on to six months to a year.

Plus when an A comes home from rehab the next step is 90 meetings in 90 days. So how does that sound for the first months plus of our marriage?

This is my experience.

Glad you are here searching for what you need to find out. love,deb

 

addiction doesnt run on time tables....often the addict grapples with it for a long time. they say they want to stop...but still use. good rehabs dont let patients oout for months....because they know its such an overwhelming sickness. I think the work your partner has done so far sounds really positive....because many dont even get that far...they dont want to stop and dont care who knows it and they will use until their last moment on this earth. it takes an awful lot of support to stop....the odd meeting probably isnt enough for your partner. many dont do it until they get to rehab. i know of someone who was such a bad user he nearly lost his legs- he went into theatre not knowing if he was going to come back out again....he finally went to rehab and never left, thats becasue now he counsels others. this is a strange disease- sometimes people recover just when you had give up hope with them.