going rund and round in step one - Al-Anon Family Group

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

going rund and round in step one

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

yes that is progress! Not easy is it? You are coming to believe it all now. In time u will wonder,"what was I thinking? I know I can only change me!

Yes he is your husband just how he is. He loves you so much, I have looked at all your pictures and it's very apparent! Linda you guys fell in love and have shared all this time and he was who he is.

He is not like past relationships. I guess I am fortunate as I do not bring past stuff to the new relationship. Well I do in the fact I get afraid they will die or go away. But you have gone thru some very bad stuff.

I know if I have had some serious stuff in my past I need to work on that before going on is possible.

Really Linda what is it going to hurt to love him just how he is, one day at a time?

My sons best friend is a pot head. I love that kid. He goes pontooning, rafting, fishing, he will always help me if I need it. No I don't like that he smokes pot, but that is him. my son likes him, though he rarely smokes anymore.

I really believe honey that saying i have. That we need in our hearts to know we are loved in spite of or even for who we are, warts and all.

I see your husband glow around you. He brings you flowers, he comes home. I DO relate to how you feel, been there. But when I stopped taking it personal it made a huge difference.

My love for animals and flowers is such a huge part of me. If someone did not love me for that, it wouldn't feel right. My friend T is not into animals much at all. But he will come over and here I am sitting here talkin with him with three little dogs and a Basset Hound in my lap. I said to him doesn't it seem funny how all these animals have to be right on me? He said, "No that is just Deb." He has said that a couple times. Even though he does not get it, he knows its part of me.

I KNOW its not as unhealthy as being an addict. But the feeling is the same. What do you love? What is YOUR passion? I don't remember you saying.What is it for you that is just an innate part of you?

What makes you, you? For instance reading to me is like Candy. I don't even like candy, bad analogy. Its like dessert. love getting lost in it. If it is a good book I cannot put it down and will read all night!

Or planting flowers, or now i am building a neat wood shelf to make into environs for my guinea pigs. Seems like I am always a nurse to some animal who needs me too. I have my friend guinea pig, fattening him up etc. have a new rescue too.

And I did this when I was blessed to have my A still with me. But he is so brain damaged I was hanging onto, well not much.

so what do you love?

hugs, btw sooooooo glad you are here! YOu are a ray of sunshine u no!debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda (hugs),

Every single day, I start my day out in step one there are some days step one is all that is in my day. That's what is so awesome about the steps is at any given moment you can always go back to step one, even after a slip. It doesn't matter if it's at 8am or 9pm or any other part of the day step one is always an option, and step one is never done nor are any of the other steps for that matter.

Great awareness!! Hugs P :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I have been at step 0 many times. This past week notwithstanding. Growing along spiritual lines is a pain in the butt. For me, however, it is the only way I can get to know my HP when I am willing to walk through the pain.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda, all of the steps have to be worked every day. Even us addicts have to go back to step 1 all the time cuz we too need to constantly remind ourselves we are powerless. It is human nature to want to control our environment because that makes us feel safer and it makes things predictable.

You have only been really at this for a couple months. You haven't had the benefits of hundreds of meetings and a sponsor either. To truly live these steps to the best of your ability it's going to take more time and practice.

Imagine yourself in a little cage where all you can do in that cage is check on your husband's using, worry about it, plot ways to get him to stop.... Now...you just walked out of the cage and have the freedom to do whatever you want. That cage is yours and has nothing to do with your husband. Similarly when you walk out of the cage you have a lot of choices and a new found freedom. Kind of scary because the cage is at least familiar. So...to avoid going back to that awful cage, I just suggest really digging in and trying to get to some meetings and find a sponsor.

Also, while I don't recommend you hold onto this idea cuz you can't count on it working this way....- AA/NA/Alanon are programs of attraction. Once your husband sees that you are really happier going to Alanon or Narcanon or whatever and doing the steps and having a sponsor, he might be attracted. You know all the nagging and controlling doesn't do squat. In order to get anybody to ride on the same "train" as you, you have to sort of show them that the ride is better than the one they are on. Though the motive for you recovery should still be you as you know.

In support,

Mark

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Linda,

I know the pain of hoping others will change. My A doesn't drink now; however, he has replaced alcohol with sweet treats and he continues to smoke cigarettes.

He smokes outside, so he doesn't stink up the house and is very careful where he disposes his butts (cigarette butts). I apprecitate that he will do those things willingly. It shows respect for me, but, in my opinion, not for his body. To me, smoking cigs is like committing suicide very slowly. But that's my opinion. I keep it to myself. I don't nag him anymore about habits I believe are unheathy. (Pre-Alanon days, I thought it was my job to nag him daily.) I do slip once in awhile and say something. Sometimes I stop mid-sentence - which is growth.

Nowadays, I strive to stay on my side of the street. I have some unhealthy habits to tend to. I can only change myself.

Al-anon tools and other reading materials help me daily to mind my own business and just learn to love unconditionally. It's all a process, not an event.

So, back to the process.................... you're growing, even if you felt you have slipped. You caught yourself. That's growth.

Continue to contemplate Step 1; it will be well worth it!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

How difficult.

I know for me I could not do a step one until I was totally absorbed in the program.

I also know that the ex A always alluded to that he was going to get better. He did for certain periods of time. There were times when he solely focused on work and earned well and did try to be "responsible'. They were plateaus.

Most of the time he got progressively worse.

One of the key indicators for me was the people he hung around. He chose people who all "used". He chose people who got inbetween us.

That constant conflict really wore me to a bare minimum. I felt lost, abandoned and also best by emotions.

I am so proud of you to be be willing to go back to the beginning. That takes courage and conviction.

Maresie.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

When I struggled with step one my sponsor suggested I sit down with paper and pen and list the number of things I had tried to make him see the ( light ) list the many conversations we had had on how I felt about his drinking , the threats I made etc and she said if I found one thing that actually worked for more than a day or two she would leave me alone for awhile well after a few min I realized how futile that list was going to be and I started to laugh ripped it up and got on with my day .. I was told anything I tried to change in him was futile because I was trying to solve a problem that had nothing to do with me , it simply was not mine to fix . powerless dosent mean hopeless there is always hope , it just means that I am powerless over the drug of choice my husb chose to use .

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda my sponsor just said to me (since I haven't gotten to a meeting in a couple weeks due to my kid's schedules with sports) "When are you going to make time for you? Make a list up of what time you give yourself to work on you and see where you fit into your day." She didn't mean showers and that kind of self care. She meant such things as meetings, yoga, meditation etc. So that is what I am going to do. And tonight I have made some time for me to go to my meeting. Its ACOA, but its a meeting. And she will meet me there :) Thats the joy of having a sponsor, she kicks my butt and then gives me a hug. :) She helps pull me down out of my tree. I hadn't called her in a couple of days and I was again flailing around in despair and trying to control my qualifer again...and getting so down on myself that I wanted to admit myself to a hospital for psych care....so I am glad I have her and glad I went to a meeting and met her and glad she called me today :)

I hope you can make some time for you today to find a meeting and go to it... that committee in my head that I spoke of yesterday? I am voting them out today... :) HUGS

-- Edited by youfoundme on Thursday 29th of September 2011 01:18:44 PM

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

You guys are all excellent... they were all excellent ESH for me at the moment.

I could kinda feel the knot unravell.

While I was reading yours pinkchip I could actually feel the comfort of the cage ironically. I wanted to go back into the cage cos I knew what was in there and how to behave in there and the comfort of the thoughts and the obsessing. What is uncomfortable is the consequences of the obsession. Trying to function at work is hard, trying to be happy for my own life is hard, going on holidays and planning things is hard. I feel like I come out of that cage on days when I know he won't smoke and I am calm.

I think I said this once before that when I get out of the cage (new analogy) its like I have landed in a foreign country and have no idea of the local protocols, the language, the customs etc. I am lost.

Debilyn, I have nothing that I am passionate about. I love love love my animals and I have at the moment three dogs and two cats and I dote on them endlessly. Two of those dogs I share custody with my ex husband. My husband knows if he told me not to spend time iwth my little girls, or to get rid of one of the cats... well.. he would go first I am afraid so I guess that is the only thing I am passionate about. Honestly, anything else in my life I just plod along. My mind has been way tooooo busy trying to make sense of the world. I like to read, always have. I always have at least two books on the go.

I am studying my Grad Dip (post degree qualification) so I really have to my finger out for that and spend some time doing some of the assignments. It is self paced and I have found my pace to be stationary.

That is where my efforts should be going. I am doing alot of self help/care at the moment. I am reading about my own spiritual beliefs and seeing healing practitioners and arranging to spend some time with an elder Aboriginal lady who is a strong part of the strong womens universal powers. I went to a counsellor yesterday but she wasn't for me so I will keep looking for one that will suit me. I have been to three now and mostly they don't know what to do with all the 'stuff' I bring. so I am thinking that my own spiritual healing may be the way to go to cleanse out some extraneous stuff andthen find thereall issues to deal with. See what is left in those bags.

Tomorrow we plan to go to a Butterfly farm for lunch and a swim at National Park. We have some work to do around the house also. I know he will smoke, but ok, that is him who is smoking not me.

Wow that was a long post for a short answer wasn't it.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.