The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, my AH is very new to recovery, has tried now for several years to stop drinking but is struggling. He is going to AA and has completed one outpatient 90 day program and then one 30 day inpatient. Now I do believe he is drinking again - he hides it very well and has gone on binges w/out me knowing because they are always when he is on business trips. Anyhow, now that I am working my own recovery program I have been currently uncovering a lot of past emotional baggage, not even related to our marriage, and I am working through that. I just was stuffing a lot of my own feelings about other things in my past for a LONG time, focusing on my AH. Now I am determined to focus on dealing with my feelings and my personal growth more.
Anyhow, I just don't feel like dealing with my AH right now. I just feel like ignoring his bingers and I don't feel like confronting him. Is this enabling and should I be trying to communicate openly with him? I feel bad because I know he is struggling to recover from alcohol but although he has made some progress he is still a very angry, hard to live with person. Conversations with him still go nowhere and I realize I have no trust for him. I just don't feel like messing with him and keeping the focus on me so that I can be stronger but would that be just sweeping reality under the rug?
no- you are doing the right thing!!! its not your job to take it all on your shoulders- hes had the outpatient- the inpatient and hes gon and thrown it all away- all of that profssional care and therapy- the time and energy carers have put in....so why should it be your job to somehow get him on the right track?
i think you are doing exactly the right thing...especially if yu feel yoou are just done with the whole cycle and want to get off the merry go round
im new to al anon too. and I am finding it very hard too. I feel worse not better...but i find myself sticking with it.
I think, you begin to realise just how much you bottle things down when you start talking about it and read through other peoples experiences.
my gut reaction is...t go with how you feel. if staying quiet and detaching is what you feel like doing. then this must be nature...its what im doing. but ym situation is a lot different to yours. i couldnt say what id do- or what you should do- as im not in yur shoes am I.
But there must be a point to how much someone can drag you into it all- and at some stage there just has to be some relief for you?
My husband did the exact thing, hide his drinking on business trips. I found that by focusing on myself as you are and not participating in conversations regarding his drinking I did get better. For me that was not enabling because I was finally getting down to the business of ME. I could not do that as long as I was so keenly focused on Him.
Working the steps with my sponsor, and on a daily basis has helped me to discover what I wanted out of the relationship. I didnt know whether or not to stay or to go. I decided to stay, one day at a time and I am so glad I did.
I do so hope that you will continue your journey of recovery. It has been the best decision I ever made. It is the longest journey from my head into my heart.
I am glad you are here and sharing I agree, you are doing the right thing.
Focusing all my energy on myself and my recovery paid off when all else failed. Please look for face to face meetings in your community and try to attend as many as possible.
Breaking the isolation, shairng within myself that were miracles.
One Day at a Time, Trusting HP, in this fellowship of equals you can do this
You've gotten some great ESH all of which I totally agree with! Putting the focus on you helps you get better and allows the AH/AR to deal with his own stuff.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My ex-husband, whom I live with now, just completed a 90-day outpatient care after a 28-day inpatient stay. This was his third time in rehab, but his first time as an outpatient. He is 60 and has had quite an experience with his alcoholism. He was close to the "edge" this time and is well aware of it. Fortunately, he is doing quite well and has a great group of AA friends to support him.
I recall the many times he tried to quit and then began drinking behind everyone's back. I would confront him and it wasn't pretty. My confrontations only perpetuated the mess.
Looking back, I now see that it would have been best to stick with my business and not confront him. He knew, just as your husband knows, that his is drinking again and shouldn't. It sounds as though denial still reigns with him.
Things can change with you as a couple. However, things will definitely change for you if you continue your program and place the focus on you. I do hope you continue on with Al-Anon. The program has the solutions.
Take good care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Now I am determined to focus on dealing with my feelings and my personal growth more.
Anyhow, I just don't feel like dealing with my AH right now. I just feel like ignoring his bingers and I don't feel like confronting him.
Good for you! I know it seems counter-intuitive but getting away from HIS problems and taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do right now for the both of you.
In my experience, focusing on myself was what I had to do to get better. All the times I didn't ignore the binges, all the times I tried to confront, discuss, plead with him to stop, etc. - did they ever work? Nope. Did they ever even slow him down? Nope. The only thing they ever did was make ME all wound up and upset! Getting away from that was exactly what I needed to get better.
Sounds like detachment to me which is the goal here. You do not have to confront him. Besides, he might be in for his own set of natural consequences anyhow which is that down the road you will detach so far you won't want to be with him any more.
I just read this excerpt from our Courage to Change Book on PP 180. It says:
"My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else's choics, even when it's someone I dearly love. No matter whether the alcoholic in my life is drunk or sober, the time to put energy into my own recovery is right now. "
It seems like keeping the focus on oneself sounds like the right thing to do.
Thanks guys for these comments. My husband is in a 28day inpatient and will be home next week. I spoke with his counselor today and his advice for me was I need to find meetings and people to talk to and work on myself or this will never work out for my marriage. Good luck on moving forward and keep me in your prayers please
