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My big brother is the alcoholic. He is 32 and I am 22. He stopped drinking 3 years ago and since then we have become ever so close. He is the best big brother in the world.
However, today he has slipped.
He has been dating a lovely lady recently and his emotions have taken over him, so much that he has started drinking again. He tells me he loves this lady and she loves him back, but because she is a better person than he is, he cannot be with her. So this morning he went to the shop at 6.30am and bought 4 cans of larger and a bottle of wine. Drank, came home, went to sleep, woke up, then to the pub for whiskey. I stayed in the pub with him all night. He really opened up to me and told me things which I didn't understand, but he did. I managed to get him home and into bed. But I fear so much for the morning.
The last time he drank he got so bad he was in hospital for 10 days. He goes to AA still. We have different dads and his is also a recovering/alcoholic. He made me book him a flight to Portugal (where his dad lives) for the morning because his Dad understands him and his illness. Which I have agreed to.
But I am so so so scared/upset/stressed/sad every negative emotion that exists, i feel right now.
To top it off, it's our mother's 61st tomorrow. She cannot put up with this anymore.
I just want some advice? Or some comfort? I feel totally lost and I honestly do not know what to do....
Aloha Littlesister, welcome to the board. This is where you can start to understand what so many other who have been in your situation now have come to understand and then change their thoughts, feelings spirits and actions so that they can have another person, family member or such who has the disease of alcoholism in their lives without loosing their sanity or life altogether. Your brother has an incurable disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions that can only be arrested by total abstinence. He knows what that is like, total abstinence, since he has had it for a while and maybe forgot or didn't learn that this disease is incurable and if and when he drinks again it will coming roaring back often worse than when he stopped. He is heading for his dad who knows about recovery and that is a great place for him to head for. Prayerfully he will be directed back into recovery and then there is you and Mom who are powerless over it absolutely. This is a worldwide world class disease. You and your mom are not alone in it by any means...millions of others have and are going thru what you are going thru. The membership here at MIP can help you and your mom understand what has and is happening and are willing to support you with sharing our experiences, strengths and hopes with you...we have been there one way or another.
I was born and raised in the insanity of alcoholism and drug abuse decades before you we born and it is still the same...still working and doing it's damage. I found sanity and recovery from it in the Al-Anon Family Groups (AFG) as many here have done. Look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call when you find it to find the places and times we get together to help each other outlive this fatal disease.
Happy Birthday to your Mom...wish her and you peace of mind and serenity.
Finding a local meeting to go to was great for me. You have a unique circumstance. But do not hinder you brothers' choice to go be with his dad. I wish i could say hi to mine now(rip). maybe he realizes he did wrong or feels guilty of something. But let him do what he does with love. Detachment is hard but necessary. How al anon works is a great book. Give him his space. he is a man to decide things for him self
little sis- this is devestating for yu xxxx yu poor thing- this is horrid!! so glad he is flying off to see his Dad....
....drink wont heal his pain- it will just send him right off the deep end and make things worse. unfortunately it is not a good coping mechanism. i think many A's and addicts get to realise this in the end. if only it really does numb the pain but it doesnt.
i think this is a process of letting go of that crutch- that drink isnt going to be his crutch any more
i think he will probably feel physically awful too- and thats a good detterant. and hes probably thinking why did he do that after 3 years sober?
according to my mum who is in AA- many of them fall of the wagon- she says they are allways falling off. the trick is to get right back on the wagon again and it looks like he is going to do that.
if my mum drank again she would have to be sectioned...and she would probably die pretty quick- thats how serious it is for her.
please dont worry too much- let yur Dad take some of the strain. xxx
I wanted to give you a warm welcome as others have to MIP. I think you will find comfort and support here so I encourage you to stick around so you'll get to know us better.
The disease of alcoholism is a progressive one. Once I read your brother was reaching out to his father, I could see that it perhaps is his way of asking for help from someone who know what it is like to be an alcoholic.
We here on this board know what it is like to have a family or friend struggle with the disease of alcoholism. A face to face Alanon meeting was key for me to obtain a greater understanding of the disease. I was able to learn tools and grow stronger as I listened to the deeply personal stories from the members who have struggled too. If you have not attended, please consider going. It is recommended that you try six or more meetings as to whether or not alanon is right for you.
Thank you again for taking the great leap and posting on this board. I do so appreciate the opportunity to get to know you.
Thank you all so much for your words. They have bought me some comfort.
Things got worse last night/this morning. I woke him up to go to the airport, he straight away was drinking a bottle of jack daniels in bed before he could get up. I didn't notice this until he had drank most of the bottle. Eventually I got him into the car and mum drove us to the airport. He was still secretly clutching his bottle of jack daniels and drinking it in the car. Mum saw and went mental (her condition of him living in her house is that he does not drink). I know she probably shouldnt have gone mental, but she did. We said goodbye and something in me and my mum told me i had to go with him. We sat outside the airport, him still drinking. I knew he wasn't going to get on this plane, even though he had promised me he would, the flight attendants would not let him on. He got slowly more and more drunk and more and more nasty with his words, about me, mum and my other sister. He was crying a lot. I ran over to the police and begged them to help me do something.
They came over and had a chat with him and he was crying, asking for their help. All the police could do was tell us to take him to the hospital. It's his mind that is a mess, much more than his body. They told us we can request to see a psychiatric doctor who can asses him. After much faffing and not being able to get him into the car we eventually did. He wanted to go to the hospital to get help. He was begging us to take him.
We got there, he went in to a+e and we all explained the situation. They were prepared to help him. However, there was a lot of waiting around and he got very anxious and a countless amount of times he tried to leave to go find a shop to buy booze from. (luckily it was a sunday morning at 6am). Once a doctor took a look at him, he said, and these were his word "he needs to be more intoxicated before we can help him". He then tried to get a special alcohol and drugs doctor to come talk to him which took forever. He had enough of waiting and I had had enough of chasing him and trying to make him go back to the hospital, the last resort was to take his wallet out of his pocket, which i did and ran off and hid in the hospital.
I don't know why I did that, I think it was out of desperation? But then I didn't know what to do. He had gone. I had his wallet and his phone because he asked me to look after it. He was missing and I didn't know what was next. Mum and I received a phonecall on his phone from one of his AA friends who said the best idea he could think of was to tell the police. Strange enough, when we got to the police station we received another phonecall from a police officer saying he had my brother under arrest for stealing a bottle of wine. He went into the shop and just told the guy behind the counter "I am an alcoholic and i need to drink, i dont have any money, so i am going to take this bottle of wine". He stood outside and waited for the police. The police officer asked us to come pay for the wine and we both said no. He is now currently in custody. They are going to try do a mental health check on him. Because We honestly believe he is very mentally unwell. It is alcoholism too, but his mind is not there.
Anyway, It has been the most saddest day of my life. But Mum and I are going to our local Al-Anon tonight at 18.00. It's going to be difficult, but it is what we want to do.
The thing I am worried about is what is going to happen to him when they release him? I am going to try my hardest to detach. He will drink again as soon as he come outs of the police station.
Thank you again everyone for your words of comfort and advice. They mean a lot to both me and my mother.
I'm sorry if this message is really long and doesnt make sense....I haven't slept or eaten much. Hopefully after Al-Anon I will be able to do both. xx
He knows what to do. Relationships take people out more than anything. Self-centered self-pity is at the root of it all for most of us alcoholics. Listening to him is okay to a point, but anyone of his AA peers would tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself and get to a meeting. They would also tell him that not only does he not have a girlfriend now but soon he will also drink himself into having strained relationships with family, employers etc...and that drinking only compounds problems.
As for you, I would seek out alanon. There is nothing you can really do to limit his drinking. What got him into AA in the first place is going to be the same thing that gets him back. That is different for everyone. It's his new bottom to experience and it has to happen however it's going to happen.
Alcohol affects every part of the body it comes into contact with and alcoholism affects everyone it touches. Of course the chemical has his brain and the disease has you and your mom. Have a good meeting...stick around after it and talk long with others who are there to support you just as MIP is. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Thank you again for your words of comfort and support guys :)
We went to the Al-anon meeting last night and I feel so much stronger. I know what I need to do and what I cannot do. I feel like I am slowly finding peace. My mother feels the same. We are definitely going to carry on going. It helps a great deal. Thank you for encouraging me to go.
I hope everyone else is okay and keeping strong. xxx
