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I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and just grasping an ounce of serenity. It had already been through a rough couple of weeks with my active AH. I've come to realize my AH is jealous of my family. We have been married going on 10 years and I thought after all these years he would accept Them and love them like his family.. Especially the grandkids since we have been together since our first grand daughter was born 12 years ago. We have 12 grandkids now and it annoys him when my daughters and grandkids stop by. Which happens rarely since I keep them away when he's drinking. I have been leaving and going to their homes to visit or babysit when he's drinking, which has really been I nice change for me instead of isolating myself, but apparently in his eyes this is wrong too. Just recently started sending me text(I will not talk or text when he's drinking)accusing me of cheating on him.(next day said it was a joke) Then couple days later he comes home late and drunk (me isolated in my room) text me "ur just waiting for me to do it because I'm worth thousands dead but just hundreds alive". I did not respond.(next day says I was just trying to get you to talk to me). The drama gets ridiculous but I usually handle it well. I also take care of my 86 year old mother who lives with us (her 3 rooms are in other side of house so is not aware of the kaos thankfully) she's able to get around with help of a walker but a take care of all her meals and ready for bed every night. Her mind has always been good until this week. Wed. she woke up and was out of sorts which will happen once or twice a year and usually the next day she's back to normal. But instead she was seeing people who were not there including my dad who died over 12 years ago. I have never seen her in such bad mental state. We got her to the dr and he said was probably deminsia. She has been better today but I'm a wreck. It kills me to see her so confused. My stress level is over the top. I have not been able to separate myself from my ah like I normally can since I need to be near my mom and have blown up at him a couple of times(arguing with a drunk) I now better. I text him today that I needed a break from him and his drinking. He has not answered at all. I have a three day weekend off from work, from babysitting and do not want to even see him. I told him my mom was my only focus and he was on his own. Am I wrong or being mean? I really am an emotional wreck and needing help myself. Feeling very lost.
I am so sorry this is happening. No wonder you are so stressed. Any one of these things would be enough to stress anyone. I've taken care of an elderly relative and am going through a similar thing with another, and I know how it saps your energy and can also fill you so full of grief and shock. In my situation, my A couldn't stand my attention being off him, as well.
The way I see it, our first duty is to those who can't (not who won't) take care of themselves, which is your mother. It is a draining and exhausting thing to take care of an elderly person, and you need all your strength for that. I'm sorry to hear that it might be dementia. I hope the doctor checked out the other possibilities, for instance that she might be mixing up or taking the wrong doses of her medicines, that she might be dehydrated, and other things. I know doctors sometimes think that anything going wrong with an elderly person's mind is "Oh, well, dementia," when sometimes it's something that can actually be fixed. The onset seems quite sudden to me, but of course I don't know the whole story. When you have the energy, a second opinion from a geriatrician might be helpful. I know there are also caregiver support groups that can be a lifeline.
I hope you have some local Al-Anon meetings you can get to, and maybe a sponsor? When the going is especially hard, we need every ounce of support we can get. Presumably there are some positives to your relationship with your A which don't show up just in this post. The situation with him does sound very stressful. Please take very good care of yourself in all the ways you can. We're here for you whenever you need us. Hugs.
Wow, you have more on your plate than the average bear. For me when I am in circumstances where I feel like I am so totally overwhelmed emotionally, physically, and spiritually, I begin with self care. There is an acronym in alanon called H.A.L.T. It means if I am Hungary, Angry, Lonely, or Tired then I need to stop and take care of me.
For me I cannot do anything for the alcoholic that continues to make a decision to drink because I did not cause it, I cannot control it, I cannot cure it. The only thing I can do is something postiive for me and my family such as get a good nights sleep, eat well, go to a meeting, work the steps, call my sponsor etc.
What helps keep me together in the most stressful times is the slogans in Alanon and the Just for Today Bookmark.
Let Go and Let God
Easy Does It
Expect A Miracle
These things are little tools for which I can keep my mind centered in the present moment allowing me to do the next right thing. Hour by hour I am moving forward in life and not getting stuck in the pain of the past or the fear of the future.
You described a monster who is sabotaging your efforts to enjoy your own children, grandchildren, and also impeding on you being there for your ailing mother. I would not say it was "mean" even if you packed his crap and left it on the curb. The fact that you feel it is mean suggests alanon would help you. You know in your gut that something has to give.
Thats a lot of stress. My ESH is when I am under stress I slow things down really a lot and try to focus on self care. If I go into the grey zone of being over tired its hard to get back from.
(((Sarebaer))) It is immensly stressful coping with an A and equally stressful coping with a parent with dementia. You have both. No wonder you are strung out! Just one thing, thoughj; you say your mother became confused quite suddenly. Dementia doesn't happen like that and I think your doctor was a bit quick in his diagnosis. Usually when the elderly become suddenly confused it is due to an infection ( urine, chest, etc) or other illness. Maybe he should conduct some tests to at least rule these other factors out.
You do need to focus on you and what you want and act accordingly.
