The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so- this is my mum- a dry drunk and completely self obsessed. so she phones me up tonight and says....(in her "Im having a funny with you " voice") and says it was her birthday and she didnt get a card and she said "its funny when people do that to yu- you dont like it" and then she puts the phon down without saying good bye- so shes milking this one good and proper.
so heres the deal...you take a lifetime of xxxxx from these people and then if you forget their birthday- they pile even more xxxxx on your shulders....when in reality- by rights...they shouldnt demand anything.
and to be honest. i forgot, im 40 years old, so surely she must know what im like by now, but she doesnt remind me im sure- so i can forget and she can then get the upper hand- act out all hurt etc
hurt? does she not know....that.....IM WELL PAST CARING!!!!!!
its beyond belief how one person- can put you through so much agro and then still expect you not to detach....they still think those parent bonds are going to be there.
besides...can someone tell me- why my mums birthday should stick in my mind so much.. when all that is going round it is direct debits dates....what bill i havent paid next....whether this service is going to get cut off next... how i get through the week. how many pills i am now down to....how to get under that amunt even more....but of course if i told her that- that would be it- total ammunition for her.
and now shes saying...she is so livid, she wont speak to me again.....blah blah
i dont care!!! doesnt she get it? if she wants to give me- yet even more xxxx- on top of the years she has already given me.....then thats her choice
why cant she be a big grown up girl for once- and suck it up- just like we all do- and not have yet another "Im so hurt and neglected tantrum" like she regularly does
because by rights- the person that should be having a lifetimes sulk- should be ME.
i still think- these people conveniently put their past actions away in a box- they say they are wracked with guilt and remorse.....
heres the difference...if my son did this to me- forgot- which is quite probable due to the fact he is HUMAN,,,,,,(LOL) I would just make him feel better- yes i would- id do the opposite of what my mum does to me....and not make him feel more worse than what he already does...because the thought of my son feeling bad, feeling like he has failed me massively and wanting to turn the clock back...i dont want to do all of that to him, because i have EMPATHY.....for his feelings....... if he forgot my birthda, it would be a detail....because birthdays are all about one person...and we are very close and i dont need cards to know that he adores and loves me.
notice- that my mum- didnt stay on the phone (for a change...the ONLY time that she hops off it in a brief fashion) but she hangs up...in a strop...without giving me the chance to make it up...i could have said, "Im so sorry Mum, iv just had a lot on my mind.....let me meet you for lunch tomorrow" and i would have spent a torturuous morning listening to her talk about herself and her favourite topics- in the hope of making it up.
what does she expect me to do now? go on the bed crying all night? "oh no- im such a FAILURE,,,such a DROP OUT....such a WASTE OF SPACE>>>I FORGOT my own mothers birthday......im not worthy of any happiness from now on" etc etc
now,,, is this her intent? I really dont think so...its one big game plan.....in her sick mind, its- right, shes going to pay for this...... because i didnt get nurtured and cared for and its all about me
i think she feels, that because shes supported me- and bought me things and tried to make amends, that we are now normal.
and this then requires me to do things like make a fuss on her birthday- go and see her when she wants....so she feels shes paid for it. she wrecked things, but now shes paid for them to be right- and now im forgotten her birthday...ive broken the deal- the deal i didnt sign...
and this is the most annying thing,,,,she will cling onto this way of doing things, as she left therapy, becaus that was probably convnient- she said she didnt want to do the drive (the big total of 10 miles) when really i think she doesnt like being told what she doesnt want to hear...like i culd never say all of this to her- even in a watered down fashion- as it doesnt fit in with her belief syste and she doesnt want to change
there is the theory that they cant look at themselves because its too big to change and t face...too big or not convenient? is it just the fact that it doesnt suit them? because they want to hold onto that sick way of doing things...because it suits them?
im sorry- if i come accross as uncaring- i do care- but im not caring too much- to the point where my life and evening is going to fall apart. i would never do that to my son- and would only make him feel really bad if he has done somthing bad- proper bad- like stole off me- wrecked my house or something.....
in her mind she thinks that because iv forgotten her birthday- this warrants making me feel really super unhappy (on top of the many unstable years of receiving her verbal put downs and tantrums) and the fact that i didnt deliberately forget doesnt enter into her plans
she wants to make me feel super upset...because she thinks i deserve it.....the fact that i didnt do it deliberately isnt entering her head- because i have failed her exacting standards and her picture of how she wants things.
she is making the most f making me feel like im someone who doesnt care- i forgot becuase- why? im a failure? i dont care? ive let her down?
I am who I am. and its different when she rants- strops etc...all of a sudden its "im sick...i cant help it"
i do have total sympathy- and huge empathy for any sickness- and the needy feelings it brings to people....i really do, but I cant put my life on the alter over it- and because of it. I have a right to be happy- i have a right- not to feel like the world has ended....
she could have arranged to meet me for the day- but she decided to say nothing about her birthday and then goes into a major rant when i forget.
and her game plans always back fire...always have done- because this "oh poor me" bit- and pushing me away (when im HAPPY to be away...IM STOKED about it") because now she wont get a belated gift- time and will be even more lonely
so i can only surmise- that her only intent was to make me feel like iv failed her- because for some reason she gets off on this- this is her biggest hit and drug of choice.
.. im going to detach right now...im obviously hugely upset with myself...i love my mum as is natural to do so- but i really cant have any more ups and downs over this woman
ive done wrong- but not going to spend a moment longer feeling bad about myself- because thanks to her- ive done a lifetime of it
its not my fault- that she is now "livid", is unaproachable...and wont let me make amends... the thing is- with your mum- when she is a huge powerful character- they trap you into accepting certain things- and you cant say anything about it
is it like this with partners?
i cant now talk about any of this with her- nothing we talk through
oh bingo.....Ive just realised....when i am listening to people with partners who get stuck with a bum deal...and im thinking- why dont they talk- is it the same situation with yu guys? because this puts it into perspective....because i always think- they are married....and what they cant say anything about their sickness?
but now i get it....am I? is it the exact same deal? where they dish out a whole load of stuff but wont take ti back? they psycho analyse you to bits- but you cant say one single little point back?
ive always thought it was she is my mum- and by nature she has this power thing over me.....if i say any of this that ive written to you now- shell just become abusive i expect..i dont know ive not really tried
what will happen now is- shell calm down and then shell slowly raise me up onto that pedalstool- ill be in the good books....until the next time.
but where none of this gets talked through- it keeps happening......and this is why- i suspect- she stopped the therapy... at least if she was in therapy i would have had an ally.
I thankyou God for this site......Im hugely grateful- to now be able to talk thrugh this CRAP for the first time in my life.
despite my intention to detach- its still going to be tough- so tonight i wont be fully right Again ....its like....when does this ever end? will it just carry on until her last breath? if she was that upset- she wouldnt have hung off- she would have talked to me more--- does anyone have a sensible relationship with their parents? or does everyone still get told off in adult hood?
how it must b so nice- so fantastically nice to communicate properly and have a sensible conversation
I'm sorry that your mother behaves like this. It is truly so disheartening to say the least. Reading your posts brings back painful memories, some not to distant.
I do recall in one of your first post, you stated that she is BPD, as well as alcoholic. (A double whammy!) If so, and she isn't getting help for it, you can continue to expect the same behavior until the end. As I've shared with you, my mother, now deceased, had BPD. So I certainly understand what you're dealing with.
Al-Anon philosophy and its tools can help you create a more peaceful life, even though she doesn't get help. BPD and alcoholism are very similar in some ways. Both are crazy making. Al-Anon tools work well with any disorder, I'm sure.
I'm glad that you treat your son differently than the way you were raised. Treating our children the way we would have liked to have been treated as children is the only way I knew how to be a mother.
One day not long ago, one of our sons asked me how I knew how to be a loving mother. (He is well aware of his grandmother's mental illness.) I told him that as he and his brother grew, I recalled how I would have loved to have been treated and then strived to treat them that way. Oh, I made my mistakes - no one is perfect. But I do think the mental illness wasn't passed on due to my work I did in therapy. I maintain the growth I obtained and continue to grow through Al-anon.
I hope you can learn to let what she says and does go. She is not well as you are well aware. Love her; hate her disorder and the disease of alcoholism. So easy to say. But it gets easy with practice - deliberate practice.
Take good care, Gail
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
In my family of origin, birthdays were a huge thing. My sisters over-gave to my parents on their birthday. They made it an occasion to drink and party and go overboard.
These days I like a birthday that is simple, seamless and not too involved. One of my roommates once asked me to participate in a birthday suprize he had for another. I said little but I was really fed up with his mishandling. So now when they say "birthday" whatever I say little. I need only so much dysfunction in my life.
My father once got really upset when people forgot his birthday. I can understand that. I can also understand people are normal. I've been there and done that with wanting people to do certain things on my birthday. The ex A trampled all over his promises to me.
Then he'd act as though it were no big deal. If I voiced my disappointment then I was the one with the problem.
I can also certainly understand not being able to have the bandwidth to deal with someone's birthday. I am there!
GailMichelle- a thousand thankyous for your understanding. i was aware how my post might come off to people- if youve not been brought up by someone with bpd you couldnt possinly understand what its like- im not wanting to go into martydom mode here- but until youve lived it- im sure it is impossible to fathom the extent of the put downs- insult after insult after insult- the manipulations and game playing- and then after that...its the expecting me to accept her because she is sick.
the thing is- she wont let me make it up to her now- i could drive a thousand miles and buy her a million things- but shell be foul, and in her sick mind she will think acting cold is the right thing to do- as this will teach me to not forget her birthday again.
thing is. life isnt as simple as that- rght now- as callous as it sounds- peoples birthdays are not on my priority list- its bills- survival- and a teenage boy who is a massive responsability for me.
i think its forgivable to put my post into black and white scenario- though Im hugely grateful you didnt Gail- because youd have to see what has gone on around it. its not the birthday but her way of communicating- the in and out of favour- the high expectations she has of me but total lee way she expects of herself
i am on medication- which effects not only my memory but my coping process- although it is uncaring and selfish to forget someones birthday- i think i had a genuine reason- seeing as she didnt arrange to meet up and or to make a date- of which i would gladly have given her all of my attention and time had she done that.
so I cant confide or trust her-
without wanting the sympathy vote- its really- really hard conducting a relationship with someone who is so overwhelmingly strict. she knows ive had issues- because of obvious reasons- and yet she heaps the pressure on- its like i have a wound that im trying to heal and she comes along and scabs it open...and its going to be like this all the way.
I love my Mum- becaus im a loving caring person- but if i were to be honest, id say it would be a whole lot easier if she wasnt in my life- without the wounds being scabbed back open all the time- and more damage being done. im not meaning to be a baby- but things that you say can cause damage- such as- if she has high expectations of what my son should have- i am not going to pay the bills- just so he can have a certain lifestyle- its just extra baggage and rubbish you dont need.
to put this into perspective for readers- my sister doesnt send her birthday cards deliberately- no mothers day or christmas cards- as her behaviour has been so damaging - over and over- so even though i forget- its just a detail- i am actually there for my mum when no one else is- right down to the last family member has all left her because the things she says have no boundaries.......so considering this, i would have thought she could let this pass and give me a break.
theres no way i expect anyone t read it all! if yuve skimmed it- i really dont blame yu.
i just wanted to add lastly......and finally (lol) that this isnt really about the birthday as such......when dealing with peoplee who have a personality disorder
and i guess- if you havent had experience with it- i dont think it would be possible to get your head around my post- not being patronising. but im just saying- it will be an all too easy conclusion to come to- to think im the one who forgot so i shouldnt be the one moaning.
rosielee, venting is good, I'm glad you are here. I hope my granddaughter finds a site like this one when she is older, my daughter, an A/A sounds just like your mother. I pray for us all, I'm learning to keep the focus on me and stay in the present moment, I'm sending you loving, peaceful and warm thoughts!... with love...Ruby!
You know I have done the same thing, forgot to call my dad on his birthday. I called him the next day and received a VERY COOL reception on the phone. He was short with me, not willing to engage in any conversation.
I know in my heart I did the best I could with what I had. It was not my hearts intent to forget. I had to turn it over my guilt over to my hp so I could be free. I made my amends to my dad. Therefore, dad just simply has to deal with his.
