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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Does anyone else "get this" ?
Post Info TOPIC: Does anyone else "get this" ?
glad


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Does anyone else "get this" ?
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When growing up or in life prior to alanon...Does anyone else here remember ever being taught to "take care of yourself" or love yourself or think about what is in your own best interest ( and then take action to achieve that FOR YOURSELF )growing up?

Were you taught to be all that you can be but that you'll actually have to think about YOU and not put all your energy into loving and caring for someone else for that to happen? 

I saw a post about.. Is it in my best interest and it mentioned the phrase "to thine own self be true" I really remember hearing that in the past and not having a clue what it meant. ( I actually thought it meant don't lie to yourself and was perplexed) 

Of course now after alanon I totally get it...take care of yourself first... but all I remember being taught is not to be selfish, to put yourself last, to be patient, not to judge others.. etc. All good except when in the absence of taking personal responsibility for yourself, your own happiness and knowing what you want to do for yourself in life...your too broken to do any of that....

so through "stumbling" on this issue I now realize that I need to "train" or teach myself the importance of doing what needs to be done for me,, loving me ( I am NOT trying to sound poor me here ) it is actually a case of learning... because I must admit with all that be patient, loving, kind, forgive all things, etc... I did have the codependent expectation that in return a Knight on a white horse would sweep in a deliever me from all "responsibility" for myself, because I was "good and loving" all other things would be provided for me, I just needed to find the right person to DO everything for me...

so for 45 years I have felt (poor me) like I just hadn't gotten it right somehow because here I have given all this love and acceptance and no white Knight has come for me so I must be ugly or stupid or worthless.... mmmmm 

I have worked so hard on being all that stuff and always wondered why some would (lovingly most of the time) say I was "needy, or insecure" well of course I seemed that way because in my brain I believed because I was so ( kind and loving or whatever it was I thought I was being)... that my "needs" deserved to be met, I really thought that was the cause and effect of life... I'll be "good" and I will be loved cherished and my emotional needs will then be provided for.... 

when maybe people who take care of their own needs are more likely to get (extra) emtional needs met by others because they are not so "draining" or needy which I never realized I may have been...I truely though I just gave and gave and gave.

Actually I just need to live life and take responsibility for myself.... 

This seems like a "new way to live" and wonder how I'll get it to stick in my brain and start living it? oh well it's a start...

Am I off base here? Am I missing something? ESH strongly appreciated!



-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 20th of September 2011 08:46:27 PM

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Breakingfree


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Your awareness is great and I am right there with you. Needy could describe the big hole within myself that I have been waiting for someone else to fill my whole life. Until Al-anon and learning to fill it myself and to take care of myself first so I can better care for my kids and others. Yes it is huge when you realize no one is going to come along and pull you up on their white steed and run off int the sunset with you. It's more likely that if you get healthy enough and can afford the white steed you may be lucky enough to find a healthy partner who can also afford their own white horse and you can gallop down a path together side by side.

I don't feel you are off base at all. It takes time to build up your self esteem/worth and get to believe that voice within that says you are good enough and worthy. I am working steps 4 & 5 with my sponsor and having a heck of a time. I believe my HP can get me through everything and that it all happens for a reason, but I am learning to stop beating myself up all the while. I am starting to see all the great tools I have grasped along my journey and I am all the better person for it. It is a recovery process that takes time and we are all fleshy, so be kind to yourself. Growing up within a family that was all about everyone else tends to make great codependent, people pleasing enabler out of the best of us. So give yourself time to retrain your normal. Sending you strength and support on your journey!

Keep up the great work!!!!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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Pushka


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HUGS!!

I totally agree with what Breaking has shared, it all takes a LOT of time and in the beginning a lot of self talk, reaching out and so on. I don't know if you have the Courage to Change, however page 85 has a great thing about what are our responsibilities and what are not. What I liked best about that page is "I am responsible for the following: to be loyal to my values; to please myself first; to keep an open mind; to detach with love; to rid myself of anger and resentment; to express my ideas and feelings instead of stuffing them ... " it goes on however that was what most stuck out for me and that short passage to me is all about self care and my responsibilities to myself.

Keep up the good work!!! Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Jerry F


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Great post Glad...I also identified and read and remembered program notes and lessons on the subject while growing up in Al-Anon.  The short of it became "Be responsible for yourself and to others as you choose."  That helped me a ton expecially the "as you choose" part.  When I found out I was responsible for the consequences of my choices...the good and the bad this lesson helped me sort the pieces out nicely.  Responsibility for myself is 24/7 while responsibility to others was as I chose.

That's what I got.  Keep coming back, you're a gem.  (((hugs))) smile



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Debilyn


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Well my dear I say that LOTS. "To Thine Own Self Be True."

Well I grew up knowing we were to love each other as our self. So that meant we were suppose to love our self

Yet...how?

Then in college in my forties I realized oh I do love and like me, i am unique and a goofball, not critical, caring, giving, stubborn, speak my mind, love to tease, stand up for those who cannot speak,um too much an open book, care too much...

That saying to me is, it helps me to make a decision. that if I am not being true to me, like standing up for an abused animal and not listen to anyone else, or say stop the car!!! on my way to something dressed all fancy and help a dog hit by a car, not listen to but you are all dressed in white!

if I am not true to my beliefs, my feelings, my drive to take care of something, I am not being me, i will have regrets.

Hope this helps. great thread dahling! (c:



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youfoundme


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For me, growing up, I was taught in church to be self-less. If I thought of myself and what I wanted I was being selfish. Little did I know... My parents didn't really teach me much about actually caring for myself and what I wanted. I was never shown an example of that, not really. I went to church, I was taught to do unto others as I would have them do unto me and I was never taught boundaries etc. I now can see what I missed. I thought if I was doing nice things to others I would get them to be nice back. I realize I was doing nice things IN ORDER to get nice back. Manipulation...I wasn't being nice to just be nice. I didn't walk away when someone was mean, I stayed and kept taking the abuse. I let people say mean things because if I didn't then I wasn't doing unto others... I turned the other cheek and let them smack it... I have learned in alanon that I can do unto others, without expecting anything. I can turn the other cheek by setting a boundary that says, no you can't say that to me or do that to me. I can walk away from what people are saying if they are being mean. I know now to not take it personally. Applying that slogan (QTIP) to my life is an ongoing affair. I work hard at remembering that most always people don't mean what they say... So I work also on say what I mean, mean what I say and to not say it mean...
In ACOA they talk about "re-parenting" ourselves... I think the same thing goes on in alanon... We learn how to live life on life's terms and to set boundaries etc... You are getting it! Great awareness and thanks so much for this share! HUGS!

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Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
rrib


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It is always OK to take care of yourself FIRST!

And it's funny how it works. When I do so, I have more to offer. When I don't, I don't.



-- Edited by rrib on Wednesday 21st of September 2011 09:13:30 AM

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pinkchip


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Sounds to me like you are getting something and not missing it :)

"To thine own self be true" does mean putting yoursel first, but I also look at it to mean there are no right answers and only choices that you make with the help of your higher power. Kind of like going with your gut but trusting God. Not making decisions soley based on others and what they would do.

Also....To answer your question about the way we were raised...For me, No...I don't believe I was raised to be empowered and to take my own best interests in mind. My parents harshly criticized me for failing. As a result, I compared myself to my sisters that were high achievers and I felt like a failure and started to invest way too much energy into people pleasing and running away from myself rather than investing in my self.

I don't blame anyone for this, but the insight is power and I am changing it now.

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pinkchip


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Also....I never heard "We love you no matter what." That was just not my family. And for that reason I had all sorts of maladaptive reactions to various life struggles... I sought that message and approval in screwy relationships (cuz I was so needy) and ran to a bottle when I didn't get it. Hence, the AA and alanon.

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