The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks to everyone who replied to my post ¨How Important Is It?¨ You gave me lots to think about and I've been thinking hard on it the last two days. My mind kept returning to a couple of things:
¨ "You have two choices. You can either leave the dirty dishes in the sink and let them rot for weeks OR, you can make a choice to do the dirty dishes.... It is up to me to choose my attitude, actions, and inner being. Neither choice is wrong. How I feel about my choice is the key.¨
¨one more time we cannot change other people , soooooooooo for me if I want a clean kitchen I clean it . I do it for me period .. ¨
I've decided that while I do not want to clean up A's mess, it is more important, and less stressful to have a clean kitchen for ME. I've also decided there is a way I can minimize his cooking/mess making when he's drinking. One of my boundaries has been to not cook for him or eat with him when he's drinking. But when cooking for myself it's not much work to make a little extra. I don't think this goes against my boundary because I will still be cooking what I want to have for myself. But I will make a little more. I will enjoy my dinner by myself then let him know there is some extra vegetables, stew, or whatever on the stove if he wants it. Then I will go to my room and do something by myself while he eats. If he decides to. He may not, he doesn't enjoy all of the same food I do. If not, I'll have leftovers for myself the next day. This is by no means a perfect solution. But after considering the alternatives this is one that I think will work best for me. I will just have to remember that this is my choice and adjust my attitude accordingly. Thanks again for all your input, it's really been a help.
Pineapple you addmited you are powerless over alcohol but this time you are not going to let it make your life unmanageable. Good for you. I think you made the right choice.
One thing I do is to move the roommates dishes out of the sink. I move them to a specific area of the kitchen. I did wash their dishes for a long time then they came to expect that. I make a point of always removing the dishes from the sink . I do clean the sink but that's about it. I also said that I would like to get into the sink! I do note that with an alcoholic it goes in one ear and out the other. Limiting resentment is so so key.
I'm so glad you found a choice that works for you!! :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I ran into this just today Pineapple, My daughter's class had a fundraiser and I headed it up, this other Mom cam in complaining right away about having to be there and she wanted to be elsewhere making money and I should have been more organized and blah blah blah. The other parents and I kept on working and she seemed to center on me with her negativity and advice and other blah, until it was over and she said well do you need me to stay and clean up, I said no and bye nicely. After words I decided if you aren't doing something with the right attitude and for the right reasons, you just shouldn't bother. The day would have gone so much smoother minus this one parent that was not in a good place today. And I wish I didn't absorb so much of her negativity today, but after talking with my sponsor and laughing about it tonight, I have moved through it. So thanks for the reminder on "How important is it", because usually it really isn't when I am done obsessing about it, haha! Keep up the good work!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
This is almost too good to be true. I made spaghetti for myself tonight the way I like it. Less meat, extra spicy sauce. I made the usual amount instead of cutting it in half like I've been doing lately. I made a salad, just enough for myself. I ate my meal, did my dishes. Knocked on his door and told him there was spaghetti on the stove if he wanted some. His response was ¨OK¨. Not ¨Great¨, or ¨thanks¨, just ¨OK¨. But when I went into the kitchen a few minutes ago I saw that he had eaten some. The leftovers were in the fridge and he had washed the plate and silverware he used! I don't expect this to happen all the time. Heck, I don't EXPECT it to happen ever again. But the fact that it happened tonight confirms my belief that I made the right choice for me. Thank you HP!
I do remember that I noticed when with my A that no matter what words I used he always acted like he didn't "understand" me... but when I used actions he would recieve that communication well...and seem not to hold a grude or be at all miffed. (unless I tried to "talk about it" ) then he'd be all miffed and diagreeable.
My sponsor used to say "they (A's) can't hear you"
Brain activity studies show they can't process the information and their empathy buttons are broken therefore they can not (not will not) "feel your needs"
I just thought he was being a jerk.(kinda still do maybe).. who knows but one thing for certain, actions speak louder than words when dealing with very small children and alcoholics....and perhaps they are just so embarassed about their childish drunken behavior that they can't cope with the talk but deep down do want to try if given a path they can cope with and not have to feel anything by the way.. a (recovering sober 17 years ) alcoholic friend says all the time... when they are drinking they can not feel....drunk at the moment or not... unless sober for a while their "feelings" just do not work.
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 20th of September 2011 09:43:28 PM
I love seeing how things come full circle. Thank you so much for sharing how it worked for you because I have no doubt it will help another person on this board with coming to the conclusion:
that they need to set a boundary
how to set a boundary that is feels good and is right for them.
know that you can reevaluate or change that boundary one meal at a time
This is good to read. Also wanted to thank you for responding to me cuz it helped me see more of the shades of gray in your picture and how you have to make choices given a set of parameters most of the time in life.
i agree pinneaple- you have found your way round the maze, you cant control it all- but there are some things yu can do to make it easier for the both of yu. this problem isnt going to go away- and its about negotiating your way around it as best you can
