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Im new here but hopefully I can get some help. Ill start out with a little overview of my life. Right now I am 24 and have a 2 yr. old daughter. I have a future husband that has a 2 yr old daughter. We both have jobs and make good money. Live in a great house and life is all around good...except if you look on the inside of me Im screaming at the top of my lungs. My father has been an alocolic since I was 9. A mentally abusive one actually. Lets just say if I didnt breathe right he was in my face screaming at the top of his lungs telling me how much of a failure I was. He worked at night so when he got home in the morning to take me to school there was the bottle..mixed with pepsi at 7am everymorning. I was able to get away from his controlling abusing self when I was 18..the legal age the cops couldnt take me back home anymore! I thought it would better my life not dealing with him anymore. Yet if anyone has a family like I do I couldnt get away...all they would tell me is its your father you have to be there for him. Now its been a year since I havnt talked to him. During this past year I have been to a dr and have bipolar 2 disorder, post-tramatic stress disorder, and major depression disorder. If you looked at me you would never guess that Im that messed up. The last thing I heard about my father is that a crazy woman stabbed him in the back and pierced his lung, that he is homeless when he gets out of the hospital because he lost his job a few months ago. I havent seen him nor do I want to see him.. Is that wrong? How do I stop thinking of the past and look only at the future?? Please help
First off, you are in the right place. The people on these boards can share amazing experience and hope. Remember that you are not alone.
You are not wrong for having those feelings about your father. They are YOUR feelings. You were hurt very badly by him and it's human nature to protect ourselves from being hurt. Don't be ashamed of how you feel.
If you can, get to a face to face meeting in your area. The people in those rooms know exactly how you feel, they've been where you are now.
Im glad you are here. Al anon can certainly help you with your issues. If possible its great to get to a meeting (there are two here a day) there is also a chat room. Another group that can help is ACOA.
Personally I had a very difficult relationship with my parents who were both mentally ill. I didn't speak to them once for 10 years while I worked on issues in therapy. I can't say I had a happy ending. I did eventually contact my family again only at some point to set another boundary where I limited contact.
When someone is violent and abusive its wise to limit contact, it may not feel that great but its best to learn how to protect ourselves. My family of origin is abusive, manipulative and mean. I choose not to be in active contact with them. In order to make that choice and stop doubting myself I grieved, raged and talked about it a lot. I no longer talk about it that much but I'd have to say it took quite a while for me to be at peace about that decision.
Hi there and welcome to MIP. It seems like you found the right place and thanks for sharing here. I hope you can find a face to face Al-anon meeting in your area, eventually a sponsor and start working the steps when you are ready, that and counseling have gotten me to a beautiful place with more serenity than I ever dreamed coming from my past. I am sending you love and strength on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Oh thank goodness you found alanon--- please find face to face meetings and give several (most say at least 6 meetings) but I would say even longer if needed a good try before you make up your mind if the program is for you and take what you like and leave the rest and don't ( like I did ) get too worried about what your "supposed" to do in Alanon. Just take what can help you at first... then go from there.
I say all this with such determination because you are only 24 and so much of a wonderful life before you to enjoy. I was just thinking today about how long it took me to learn to "enjoy" life.. one of my alanon friends said she thinks when she gets to heaven God or her "higher power" as we call him may say "Did you have any fun"? That concept never had occured to me,, the fact that our higher power wishes us fun, peace and happiness... and is there to help us overcome any of the horrible things that we may have faced and that perhaps we face some of those because this is not yet heaven....so it's an imperfect place... but he still wants us to have fun here in this place .. he wants us to have life and have it more abundantly NOW..and he provides paths for us to find that peace.
If you feel discouraged it may help to make a gratitude list-- a simple list of all the little things and big things your grateful for...
Mine starts with my grandson who is 4 months old, and the fact that I (his "Gammy") have a chance to be a healthy happy part of his life... and it goes on and on from there.
I wish you lots of healthy happy LOVE in your life, I wish you healing from past hurts and I wish you peace.. dear higher power please give the new girl peace...
Aloha Lost Child...Great to have you here from another Lost Child from the disease of alcoholism. Your discription of what it was like is safer than mine...I tend to use french and get dramatic when I describe the "back thens". With Al-Anon it is a ton better and I have current example of that. My older brother is in town visiting and I get to listen to how he describes it as a non-recovery person and understand that is how I use to do it and then I listen to how I describe it and it is soooo different. My vulture was my mother...like myself she came from the disease and married that type of person...we lived on a merry-go-round and I got off when I found the Al-Anon Family Groups. The rest of the family stayed on and are still on and I'm okay. One miracle is better than zero. Keep coming back here and I hope you take the prior suggestions to heart cause this does work when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Welcome her to MIP. I am so gald you stopped by. I would just say that I too have an alcoholic father who is active in his disease. He was not the abusive one, it was my mother, the non alcoholic. In any event, I would say that what you are feeling is commensurate with being affected by the family disease of alcoholism. Each person is entitled to make up their own minds as to which choices best fit their circumstances.
We refrain from advice giving here because I don't know what is best for your situation. What we do share is our experience, strength and hope as it relates the disease of alcoholism.
Please stick around and get to know us awhile. I am so glad you are here. We really would like to get to know you better.
I don't think you are wrong to not want contact with your father. It's your boundary and it's okay. I think you were raised with the guilt and low self-esteem so you feel like this makes you a bad child when it really doesn't. I think it would help to look at self-forgiveness and to attend ACOA (and perhaps Alanon). You didn't choose the dad you got, so it's not your fault.
Also, just a bit of info on all the psych conditions you stated you have. "bipolar 2 disorder, post-tramatic stress disorder, and major depression disorder" Okay, Bipolar 2 disorder and major depressive disorder cannot both exist at once because the bipolar disorder includes depressive phases. I doubt you have full on PTSD either and you probably have trauma related symptoms of the disorder. What I see is that you are invested in viewing yourself as "messed up" when in fact, you have some issues just like other people. You haven't gone around and done a poll of how your peers are functioning on the inside so it would seem that you are putting on a mask and are more "messed up" than others.
In reality, other people have the same psych issues and they have had less stressful childhoods that got them there. So---cut yourself a break. You aren't that sick and, even if you were, it would be sort of understandable given your upbringing.
A suggestion would be to focus more on how healthy you are and how amazing it is that you have a good relationship, are a good mom, have a supportive fiance....despite having the odds stacked against you from childhood. That sounds like a happy ending in many ways to me and not a sad one.
You can change your thinking from being lost to beng found (in fact I think one of the members on here actually has a name that reflect that process).
I wanted to add that I understand it would create shame for you because of who your dad is, what he has done, and all of the crazy things he does now....BUT- you are surviving and it doesn't sound like you are really his victim anymore and I give you credit for that. You might wanna give yourself more credit too :)
me too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so glad to meet you! Im desperate to talk to someone in the same boat...did yu say you were 23? you are still young, be kind and gentle on yourself- youve had a lot of damage. im 40. i lived with a single mum from early age who was a chronic- chronic mentally ill- abusive alcoholic. she was very- very controlling- wierd and abusive.
your child is young- when it grows up- and youll treat he/she right....it will come clear to you- that you never stood a chance to have a healthy mind after the abuse. things that were said to yu- that never should have been said.
Ive nurtured my son and fed and watered his self esteem- not stomped all over it- spat at it and abused it.
the problems you have now, is the best of a bad deal and now you must work through them- and you will, it just seems to take years.
if you treat a child as worthless what possible chance do they have.
i too was out of the house by age of 17- sleeping in a bed and breakfast hotel- on plastic sheets and not a single thing from home, I had not one family member looking out for me.
in time youll also realise that what you have achieved and who you have become is a total miracle of suvivorship- even taking into account the bi polar and all that.
you are still a baby, lol, still finding your way through the maze.
i understand the view of considering yourself healthy and whole rather than damaged....but i think whats happening is lost childhood is just facing up to herself and this comes first. you cant pretend you are confident and are like everybody else when you arent. but i do agree with looking forward not back. I remember feeling exactly the same at 23, so maybe this is just a natural phase an adult survivor goes through? but after a few years you seem to level out- especially when you get stuck into your own family life.
Thank you everyone for the support and comments. I think what i need to do is just vent. Vent about the past that way its not bottled up inside so much. Im going to look toward a better future everyday and try not to dwell on the past. So today Im going to talk about what it was like living with my father...O and I only lived with my father because my mother was in prison my whole life for heroin. So lets see...I was never allowed to do anything with my friends ever. I was only allowed to stay in my room. Eat dinner in my room. Do everything from my room. If i asked him to do something with someone he would say no and that was that...no reason for it just no. I remember one time I got a ride home from school from a friend. I didnt know I wasnt allowed to get rides from friends but my father let me know when I got home. He ended up putting 6 holes in the wall and everytime he punched a new one he told me he wished it was my face. I have no self-esteem. How do I gain that back? Im 110 pds, long hair, blue eyes, no stretch marks, big boobs...yet when I look in the mirror all I see is failure and that Im not good enough for anyone. That Im the uglyest person ever....how do I learn to love myself?
Your last reply gave me goosebumps. We must be kindred spirits. What I will say from personal experience is that Alanon loved me until I learned to love myself. I too suffered the slings and arrows from my mother such as: that I was would have to work twice as hard to be half as good, I am not smart enough, pretty enough, slim enough, and the grand finale, you are not worth the powder to blow you to hell.
It is my experience that working the steps with a sponsor will help heal the voices of the past and put things in a new perspective. I no longer suffer from the pains of the past. I actually through the working the program with a face to face sponsor have a good relationship with my mom today which is unbelieveable. The garbage of the past is just that. The support and guidance of a loving sponsor helped me come to a place of forgiveness for which I can begin to have a relationship with my mother. That for me is nothing short of a miracle.
Please keep posting. Thank you for having the courage to share from the heart.
I want to thank you for making me laugh! Your post about your childhood is heart wrenching and then here comes your description about yourself... "110 pds, long hair, blue eyes, no stretch marks, big boobs. No stretch marks. You are funny and you don't mean to be which makes you all the more endearing. Maybe someday when you've reached the level of loving yourself that Tommy has you'll look back at your description with warmth and humor. Meanwhile keep posting and we'll keep sending you support. My only child is a few years older than you are but she hasn't had a baby yet. I feel so much tenderness for you that you have a baby but not a mother who can help you. You asked how to learn to love yourself. One way is to keep doing just what you're doing. Write. Ask. Listen. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Go to as many face to face meetings as you can. Hour by hour. Day by day. Week by week. You can heal.
