The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mother is currently trying to recover from a breakup. The man she had been with for 16 years left after beating her. She is, understandably, very upset over this. There is a reason why Stockholm Syndrome is a thing, and she loved him in the first place, or thought that she did.
She's wavering between relief that he's gone and knowing that the bad times outweighed, and did not mitigate, the good, and being desperately sad that she is alone now.
I am trying to be supportive, but it's grating on me that she is leaning on me for support to help her get through this when I am in the process of trying to get through my own damage that she caused me. Also, trying hard not to choke on the irony of describing her ex in ways that could easily describe her relationship to me. Namely that he is an "abusive, manipulative, self-absorbed, pompous twit".
I know she's hurting and I want to help her, but I don't know if I can help her and still continue to properly help myself along my own road to healing. To make things more difficult, she is not at a place where she can hear any criticism of herself properly. For example, her drinking is not something that she has done wrong or her fault in any way. It is always that it was the only way for her to deal with outside stimuli.
I cannot see her, or even talk to her, without tensing and having to restrain blowing up in her face with pent-up anger.
I don't know if it's good or bad for you. BUT the fact that you care and are trying is amazing ... as a mother who made many mistakes ... (not drinking but many mistakes) the fact that my daughter's are there for me (without going overboard or hurting themselves) when I am hurting means so much.
My daughter painted a small bathroom and brought over some household decorations she wasn't using and "decorated " my house once during a difficult breakup with my ex (one of many but still one of the harder longer ones and at the time I thought permenant and was hurting) anyway.. that was a while ago and every time I go in that bathroom ,,, every time,,, I think of the love I felt, and still feel from her efforts and how much that helped me at the time and how much I love her and feel loved by her...
Please dont' hurt yourself,,, however,,, when adult daughters show love to ( imperfect ) Mom's it's an amazing thing.
Again < I don't know your situation,,, but this was my experience.
Much love and appreciation for your heart and who you seem to be.
This is a moment for the serenity prayer if ever there was one. You've shown courage and brilliance by emerging from your childhood with insight rather than insanity. No child should have to raise herself and be the parent of the parent so of course you must be burning with anger and frustration.
My take is that your mom's withdrawing. You can't help her with that anyway until she's ready and it sounds as if she's in denial. From your description, she displays dependent personality disorder symptoms, narcissistic personality disorder symptoms and alcoholism.
It's miraculous that you're learning to heal, having been raised in that situation. Witnessing my adult daughter's own emotional growth through psychotherapy helped me to seek my own healing path. I started psychotherapy to help learn how to live with an alcoholic/addict and was diagnosed with DPD. Nothing would have helped me until I sought treatment. My behavior was compulsive rather than volitional. Psychotherapy helped to heal the DPD and working the steps keeps me sane.
If your mom really truly wants help she'll take your advice and find a twelve step group. Otherwise she's not ready. Take care of yourself so that she doesn't make you crazy.
I've read that one sign of a dysfunctional relationship is that the parent expects emotional caretaking from the child. My thought is that you are not responsible for your mother's emotional well-being. Of course it would be a kindness to send her a note now and again, bring her a plate of brownies, or whatever. But to be her main support -- well, the idea makes me worry that she might not have appropriate boundaries. This may be doubly true if you have old unresolved pain from your upbringing. Your job is to take good care of yourself. That's above everything.
Those are just my thoughts -- take what you like and leave the rest. I hope you have a good meeting to rely on and maybe a sponsor? No one should have to do this alone. Hugs.
Suggesting couseling for battered women is good. There should be something close to her that can help. The mental health people in her town will know where the doors are.
ditto. i just want to say...i know EXACTLY (or near enough-lol) what you feel. the irony- after irony...the swap of places- you always being there for her- and her not being able to be there for you because of her sickness (of which she is so "powerless" over)
im not going to try and fix this for you- i cant anyway- and its broken and not right is it- i just want to say- im with yu- im in the same boat. and thank the Lord for this site- i really mean that!!!!!!!!!
