How Important Is It? - Al-Anon Family Group

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

How Important Is It?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sending you love and support and have no ESH for you, I have lived as roommates on seperate floors, but I handled it wrong and acted out terrible. I didn't have Al-anon yet, never heard of the 12 steps or had a sponsor. How about find a better slogan there are many and sometimes when 1 wears out for me, I grab onto another. Keep up the great awareness!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a toughy! Like you, I'd have a difficult time with this situation.

I don't know of a solution. I'm sure you have talked with him about it. But he's active and I know how that is. You might as well talk to the wall.

A few years ago, I moved out into an apartment because I needed to get away from the insanity. I felt terribly guilty at the time and so I only took what was absolutely necessary. I took 1 sauce pan and 1 fry pan. I used these two pans to do all my cooking. I used the fry pan mostly; I called myself the "One Pan Wonder." It was amazing what I could do with that pan. (I'm a vegetarian, so I do a lot of stir fy veggies and the like.)

How about if you kept a few pans just for your use? Perhaps put them some where he doesn't look, not necessarily hide them. At least you would have a few clean pans ready for your use. The dirty pans and dishes from his use, how about putting them in a big plastic tub and tell him they are waiting for him?

Probably poor suggestions. Perhaps they can be used as a springboard for better ideas, however.

I feel for ya!!!!!! I'd probably just clean the kitchen up and work on not taking it personally.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 17th of September 2011 09:42:07 PM

BlueCloud · Senior Member

There are two parts to my message:

Part 1.

This brings me to the tradition "our common welfare must come first, personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity". I use this tradition a lot to help me set boundaries. In my case, cooking and eating well are a BIG part of my life. Having the kitchen clean and ready for use would be important to me. In my case, I would ask my partner to no longer use the kitchen and to seek an alternative (hot plate, mini fridge, personal kitchen items to be stored in the guest house) rather than be frustrated every week. I would do this because our common welfare--the overall unity between us--would be important to me and I could see we are not on the same page about the kitchen and I don't want that to become such a big resentment it interferes in other areas. If I had a roommate that was creating this kind of havoc, I would ask them to move out if we couldn't come to an amicable understanding.

Part II. In case, you want ideas/alternatives to just shutting off kitchen access, I brainstormed a list. Sometimes two heads are better than one. This is not advice--just think aloud about what might work--take what you like and leave the rest.

1. Ask him to use Paper plates & utensils & "his pot" only

2. Ask him to stop cooking in the kitchen and get his own supplies, a mini-fridge, and a hot plate for the guest house.

3. Put a lock on the cabinet with "your dishes" -- he can use anything else. If he doesn't wash it within a day, it goes in a bin, if he doesn't wash them within 5. They go to dump. When he's out of dishes, he's responsible for buying new ones.

4. Restrict his use to the bare minimum one pot, one plate, etc.

5. Ask him to only cook when sober--this might work if you made a larger rule of not being in the house when he is drunk.

6. Get a hot plate, mini-fridge, etc. for your room so you can be self-sufficient if the kitchen is too messy.

7. Hire a cleaning service for the kitchen once a week and ask him to pitch in/pay for the service.

8. Simply say that due to the mess he is no longer permitted access to the kitchen.

9. Perhaps request that he ask permission before using the kitchen and then you can say "no" on days that you don't feel up to the mess.

10. Perhaps reserve certain nights as your cooking days so that you have things frozen that can be microwaved if you can't deal with the mess.

11. Make an internal boundary for yourself "I don't clean up other people's messes" and then stick to it for yourself.

Sometimes I think that trying to make a million rules for an A is such a headache that it is simpler just to put in a tougher boundary--no kitchen use--then haggle over the particulars and get piping mad every week.

Maybe something strikes a chord here? If not, please leave what you can't use.

-- Edited by BlueCloud on Saturday 17th of September 2011 10:38:40 PM

-- Edited by BlueCloud on Saturday 17th of September 2011 10:45:48 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

yes what they said! (c:

I would also keep a few boxes,put his dirty stuff in it to carry it to his room and put it on his bed.

And also what others said, get your own stuff. lock it up. I know you have to wash things off but at least you will have a clear space and not have to wash his stuff.

Its not to give him a message, but to take care of you.

I hope you are doing ok in other things! Miss hearing from u more!

love,debilyn

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

No advice to share here sorry, just to say though I can understand totally how YOU feel in your kitchen, I work as a cook and I share my kitchen with other staff too, I like to clean as I go, possibly I am too tidy and drive other peeps nuts, as when I work along side less tidy people I put stuff away all the time that they need, I must admitt when I work with people who tidy as they go too I feel much more calm and enjoy my shift more, I have worked with two extremes this week, I tried to be tolerant of the untidy people because they do the best they can do too.

Katy

x

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Pineapple,

Sending love and support.

Hugs P :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

You know I had this exact issue. Not in a B&B but at home. Here is what my sponsor said. "You have two choices. You can either leave the dirty dishes in the sink and let them rot for weeks OR, you can make a choice to do the dirty dishes."

I too was resentful about the sink of dirty dishes and was carrying a lot of little resentments everywhere becoming miserable. When she put it in terms of when I make a choice to do something, I do it for fun and for free. I can be happy with clean dishes or satisified with dirty dishes overflowing on the counter. It is up to me to choose my attitude, actions, and inner being.

Neither choice is wrong. How I feel about my choice is the key.

I hope that helped. Because I had to do this with suggestion with taking out the trash, laundry, and dirty dishes. Had lots of "fun" practicing my choices.

Thanks for your post today,

Tommye

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I like Blue Clouds list. Have you tried simply saying to him: you need to clean up the mess you made in the kitchen, i'm not your maid.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I'll quote Tommye, "Neither choice is wrong. How I feel about my choice is the key."

I believe this is so true. Whatever choice you make, you have to feel good about it. So the solution to this problem would be different for everyone.

I was wondering when he doesn't clean up after himself and you clean up after him, how does that feel? What do you tell yourself? Perhaps the reasons you tell yourself why he does it are not true. I say this because now that my A is in recovery (only 4 short months) we have talked a little about whet he used to do and how I interpretted his actions. I'm finding that what I believed about his actions were untrue. It wasn't about me at all. It was just what the disease does, nothing personal. How I wish I had known that for those 26 years that I thought it was personal.

Hope this makes some sense. If not, toss it. :)

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for all the suggestions and ESH. Buying a hotplate, extra fridge and supplies, or hiring a cleaning service is just not possible on our budget. And yes, I have asked him not to cook when he's been drinking which he does anyway. I've told him if he cooks he has to clean up after himself. Which he doesn't. Talking to him about this gets nowhere. I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, going to have to think about it some more. Because it's true that whatever choice I make is something I have to feel good about. But now I have some new ideas to consider. Thanks again everyone.

rosielee · Senior Member

i have known several women whos partners wouldnt go- only perserverance paid off in the end- if you really want him to go you have to keep on at it.
its entirely yur decision to make of course.

when moving into my house- it was my fresh start- untl i started to notice small things- but annoyances that really started to eat into my quality of life- dogs yapping and music through the walls- ive dealt with the worst and left the rest- i realise it will make more problems if i try and control everything to my satisfaction. so now when the dogs bark- we close the door.

good luck honey...hope you get a nice- clean private space of your own soon.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Pineapple...My only ESH here is that I had to get out. I just had to get out cuz it was killing me. It was worth the huge financial hit to get away from him and start my life over with no ties to him. So....that is what I did. Sometimes a relationship can turn so toxic that interacting is literally like poison to both people. This was the case for me and my ex.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Well one more time we cannot change other people , soooooooooo for me if I want a clean kitchen I clean it . I do it for me period .. One of the things that helped me alot in situations like this was a line I heard on atape ( Pick it up and dont bi^%tch or don't pick it up and don't B*)&^ch.. ah choices gotta love it .

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

¨Pick it up and dont bi^%tch or don't pick it up and don't B*)&^ch.¨

abbyal, one more thing to think about. Thanks for that, it actually made me laugh.

rara avis · Senior Member

Hey Pineapple,

No useful advice here, obviously, but hugs and commiseration since we're in somewhat similiar situations.

As for perseverance, I wish we could switch places now and then; I'll tell your A to move, you tell my RA to move, at least it'll be some variety without so much baggage. Then we can start a zoo because between the dirty dishes, mess, and random poo on the floor it does sound like a monkey cage! :P

Best of luck here. hugs
rara avis

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the slogan might still be helpful to you. You may be insisting on a certain outcome... and that was my experience too.

I did NOT want a divorce. I was extremely terrified of it, paralyzed by the pain of the relationship, paralyzed by the fear of ending it. I share Mark's experience, it was all so toxic that I just had to walk through it despite the financial hit. My experience is, the fact that I had made money my higher power... simply had to be smashed. I was being invited to have more faith.

How important is it?? Might be VERY IMPORTANT if it's damaging your serenity. My experiences have VALUE and it's up to me to pay attention. With some relationships, I had to detach at all costs, it was the best I could do to keep my serenity.

Take what you like ((dear one))

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 19th of September 2011 01:41:55 PM

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