The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted lately but I've been reading a lot. My wife is a sober alcoholic of 16 months and she says that this is the first time she is really working the steps with sobriety. Lately she has been distant and not wanted much to do with me or the kids and I've been ok with that. I've been working my program intensely and really getting some good growth from it.
Last week my wife came in from her meeting and told me that she's been full of fear and resentments because she is working the 4th step and being honest with it. I'm not sure what that means but I've sensed that something was up and did my best to not allow it to become my problem. Later on that week she asked me to look at her car because the headlight was out. I woke up early the next morning and noticed that the headlight was not just burned out, it had been damaged. I then got into the car to see how many miles to the next service and remembered that we'd only had the car service a few months ago and that noticed that we'd gone a lot of miles and that it was almost due. When my wife woke up I told her about the headlight and said that we'd get it fixed this week and that there had been a lot of miles driven lately and that it was time for a service. She flew off the handle and said that I had been checking up on her again and just went into a dry drunk tirade with me. I handled it very well, didn't allow myself to get sucked in, and simply responded with a "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Now, I did use to check up on my alcoholic and all the other sort of things that us al anons do but I have been relieved of those character defects through the grace of my higher power and the fruits of my program. I knew that my motives were sincere in checking the milage and I was very comfortable with my truth. A few days passed with my wife being very bitchy and quite miserable and I stayed out of her way and did my thing. Often she tried to suck me in to her abyss and I stayed out. Some how she seems to have pulled out of it and we have had some peaceful but separate days. She has now become flirtatious and somewhat intimating that she would like to be physical tonight.
This situation really bothers me because since she has been sober she has only wanted to be physical with me after she has treated me horribly. Being a healthy man, of course, I jump at this opportunity but I often don't feel good about myself afterwards and I haven't been certain why. I'm aware of this now and came to some awareness of My Truth in terms of intimacy.
In regards to sexual intimacy My Truth is this: Sex is a gift from my Higher Power reserved for a loving and committed relationship. Lately, for months, I haven't felt like my marriage has been very loving. Because of this I am going to be true to myself and say this if and when my wife approaches me to be physically intimate. I'm in a place now with my recovery that I am not going to sacrafice My Truth for sex. I believe that people treat us the way we let them. I am not going to be dishonest with myself about this any longer. It's not right that my wife uses sex to clean up unacceptable behavior and ignores my needs when when there isn't any strife.
Thanks for letting me share, because I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable sharing this one in a f2f.
i havent a partner who is an alcoholic- so i dont know about the added confusions of the sex life..but i can relate totally- to the confusions- the pushing away and pulling. what you need is some consistency!!! dont we all, its the lack of consistency that really confuses.
OMG can I ever relate to this - to be treated badly, growled at, called names, yelled at - then he turns around at bedtime and acts like I should want to jump his bones just because he's in the mood and what's my problem anyway??? I often wonder if its a man/woman thing - I've always thought all men (there I go making a blanket "ALL" statement) thought that sex begins in the bedroom but for women it starts way before. I can sure relate to not wanting to be intimate with someone who just hours ago was being mean to you. I think it also goes to the meaning of the word intimacy - some think it means sex but it means so much more.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
In regards to sexual intimacy My Truth is this: Sex is a gift from my Higher Power reserved for a loving and committed relationship. Lately, for months, I haven't felt like my marriage has been very loving. Because of this I am going to be true to myself and say this if and when my wife approaches me to be physically intimate. I'm in a place now with my recovery that I am not going to sacrafice My Truth for sex. I believe that people treat us the way we let them. I am not going to be dishonest with myself about this any longer. It's not right that my wife uses sex to clean up unacceptable behavior and ignores my needs when when there isn't any strife.
Thanks for letting me share, because I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable sharing this one in a f2f.
Dear Surfing
Thanks for a very positive inspiring share. Your self esteem is truly showing
Using the tools of this program has given me such acceptance and honesty and I see the same in your post. Your deep understanding of yourself and your honesty about your actions are both wonderful examples of working this program.
This share wowed me, sounds like you are working such a great program and taking care of yourself in the heat of it. Yes I had the same thing happen with sexual intamacy with my A and I always felt it was a twisted game. Keep up the great work on your awareness!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Aloha Surfing...great post and honesty and I've experienced the feelings, thoughts, actions and behaviors also and "to thine own self be true" does fit well because you don't get to sacrafice your serenity anymore for sex without love. HP is the love part and sex with love is beyond astounding however saying that and speaking in the context of alcoholism it becomes something else...an enable, thats what.
So I watch for signs that love will be involved before sex is being involved.
Great post!! ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 18th of September 2011 02:53:11 PM
This post is very important for me, because it's something I struggled with all my marriage, being treated disrespectfully, and then being made to feel I must surrender to intamacy when I was so confused and adrift, giving in, out of fear and manipulation, as my self asteem has grown, so too has my true perception of self, great practice and share, thankyou, for the reminder.
First I would like to say I am so glad you are back posting. It is good to see you on the boards again. I too can relate to the intimacy issues. I myself have established boundaries as you described regarding this topic. What I will say is that with working the program, my marriage has become stronger and kindness and courtesy has returned. That same kindness and courtesy is also present in our romatic life as well. Romance begins in the morning with a kiss goodbye and a hug hello and "welcome home I am glad you are here" when he comes home from work. I received some good orderly direction from my sponsor when I was new in the program. She instructed me to do this and that I didn't have to feel it to do it. Just to do it and it has worked.
Today we work coorperatively and get along. Next month we are celebrating our 10th anniversary, we've been together for 15 years. I have a friend whom I love who is no longer my adversary. It took the loving guidance from a sponsor and taking some actions for the relationship to begin healing. The romance between us is strong and the love has returned. It does take time. Love, kindness, and courtesy has helped heal our relationship and I am truly grateful for it.
Keep up the good work. I know it is a long and winding road. You are working a great program and knowing what your limitations are. Thank you for posting today. Your insights on your life and working your program are tremendously helpful.
