The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes it feels like two steps forward, two steps back in this business.
My son and I were away thousands of miles from our home for a year while I was working elsewhere. I had a renter who walked out on the property early. My ex-AH stepped up to the plate and pitched in to take care of the pets for us instead of the irresponsible renter. We came back to find the renter had trashed the house and done thousands of dollars' worth of damage. He came well-recommended and I checked him out and everything, but sometimes you can't predict. At least I was feeling grateful that my ex-AH (who is a binger, not a constant drinker) was sober for the time being and we were civil enough that he helped out and everything.
So my ex-AH wanted to spend time with our son after so long apart, and our son went over to his place for a few hours. But unusually, they didn't come back on time. They're only a block away so it's a quick walk. I phoned and it was late and our son was on the computer (not supposed to happen) and exAH was asleep on the sofa (not supposed to happen). When he brought him back it was obvious what was going on. I'm sure you can all guess. I said, "Right," and took our son back and my ex-AH rolled his eyes in that way I'm so familiar with. Our son said they'd had hot dogs for dinner -- no buns, just hot dogs -- no vegetables, no fries, nothing else but a bare hot dog on a plate -- and water. Jeepers. Then my ex-AH set our son up in front of the computer and zonked out. If my experience was any guide, there was a lot of so-called "nipping out to the bathroom" going on. He seemed pretty far gone when I saw him tonight.
They were supposed to do a big father/son thing this weekend and now I've got to rearrange all the plans.
I know drinking is what alcoholics do. I'm just feeling kind of overwhelmed. I'm still getting the house back in order with all the renter damage, starting up a demanding job, and a lot of other mess that's coming down the pike. I'm kind of losing my grip on my serenity just now. Just feeling really angry that this insanity is in my life and that, as usual, I'm the only adult in this scenario with my wits about me. I just need a break.
I'm learning as I deal with alcoholism that I need breaks. It is part of my self-care. For a long time, I didn't give myself permission to take a break. I had to be in control and responsible and alert and always on-call because if I wasn't, who would?
So, I take breaks. Sometimes it is only a 15 minute nap that restores my serenity. Sometimes I indulge in a brain-candy book. Sometimes I work in my little garden. Sometimes I go to dinner with a friend who understands my situation and will listen to me for hours. Sometimes I call my sponsor. And when circumstances allow, sometimes I go on a trip--I get away, not runaway, from the stress and problems. All of these things help to relieve my mind, if even for a few minutes.
I understand. I have had my moments this week when I have felt completely overwhelmed looking around me at all the things I need to be responsible for. And the responsibilities keep increasing. I just want someone else to handle things for awhile. But, right now, it is my turn to handle these responsibilities.
Hugs, it's not an easy situation to deal with is it? Hugs. I agree a little self care goes a long ways. For me I have to also do a gratitude list so I can remember while everything is spinning out of my control (and I have a right to my feelings they are mine neither right or wrong). I really need to pay attention to HALT. You are only one person so be easy on yourself. Do you have anyone who could help you out with the cleaning? I'm going to tell you what before the program I would have NEVER dreamed of calling someone for help, now I have a list of numbers I know someone (many someone's) would come help me.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You can tell you have a good program in place though. Didn't hear about any screaming, drama.... Mostly just acceptance and moving forward in the solution.
The 3-A''s of the program.... awareness, acceptance and action. You have all three of these. But that doesn't help with the anger. What does help with anger? What helps me is gratitude.... it can be as simple as gratitude that I don't have to live in that skin. I don't have to have the daily crazy's that an alcoholic has. That I can walk away. Take some time out for you, even if that means taking the time to clean and arrange your house to your standards after another crazy alcoholic trashed it. It will make you feel a lot better to have all traces of that gone.
Thank you for your ESH. It all feels like quite a challenge right now but it does feel so good to know that folks understand and have come through times like this!
yes but we are allowed to be angry right? its no good supressing it- you have total right to be angry- but at some point you then decide to move to a more serene head state because its healthier that way. i havent seen my childs father for over ten years- i finally accepting he wont ever be the Dad i need him to be or the person i wanted him to be- and when i stopped trying to fix him and hope for an improvement- thats when it all dissolved.
sounded to me that you would have coped better if you had just muddled through this apartment business on your own?
I desperately needed someone to pinch-hit when the renter business went bad, and he did pinch-hit, and I am very grateful for that. Otherwise I would have been out thousands of dollars more in having to move countries at the last minute, leaving several people in the lurch myself. But what I "forgot" was that he is no good at dealing with people. My ex-AH has Asperger's as well as alcoholism so there are some big limitations. He can deal with things when he's acting alone and he's a long way from the people. But if he has to deal with people close up, it stresses him out and he can't deal. So it makes sense that he could do things for us from far away, in his own time and in his own way. But dealing with a live child in his place was too much for him. It's not that he didn't want to look after him for a few hours -- it was his idea, even -- it's just that he can't cope. He can't act appropriately and he deals with it by drinking. This is familiar. I'm not angry at him exactly, because I know no one would choose to be so inadequate if they were in their right mind. I'm angry at this whole situation, and above all that I'm the only responsible adult in the equation, as always. I can see how I got here -- my decisions. But I think I need some more support along the way and that's an incremental process. Right now I'm just tired.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
(((Mattie))), I can only imagine how you feel right now. You've got a lot to deal with. But you are dealing with it. And I think that feeling angry and tired are only natural in your situation. Keep taking care of yourself however you can right now. We're all here to listen and give you support.
You have my support and understanding. Managing rental properties is demanding and draining when you live nearby. Trying to do it from afar would be impossible. Compounding that let down with the disappointment you must feel because your son's father failed your son and it's easy to see how you must be ready to collapse in a heap. Thank God your son has you to raise him. Sending love and strength to you.
