The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the things I have felt such shame about was how I both chose partners, married them, or became "attached" too quickly or got so triggered by what was going on I completely melted down.
I have been really mean and judgmental to myself about that. Needless to say on some level I felt absolutely responsible for the ex A's complete meltdown and descent into total chaos.
I have had a lot of time to heal. 4 years most of which has been struggling to get by. 4 years of spending a lot of time resenting him, resenting myself and wanting some different outcome.
Lately after having done some work on a 4th step and being in a different place (less grief) about my childhood, I've moved to a space where I can forgive myself. I think forgiving myself is harder than forgiving the ex A (although more and more I can see just how ill he became).
I can't say I've been exactly forgiving of myself. Blame (and I did blame the ex A obsessively) doesn't allow much room for tenderness or comfort. I also know that I had to walk through that level of rage, anger and pure frustration to get to a point of being able to soften around it.
Being forgiving of myself is pretty hard going. It doesn't leave me entirely off the hook. I know I could have done better. Some of my behavior, the screaming, the meltdowns are inexcusable. I let myself have full reign. I don't do that anymore. I hold myself repsonsible for my behavior these days.
I think forgiving myself might be very necessary before I can move on to another phase of my life.
The more I can understand where I came from and how inevitable it was that I'd gravitate towards people like my family the more forgiving I can be.
Thank you for sharing. I soooooooo understand where you are coming from. I have spent so much time being angry and resentful over behaviors of my spouse instead of looking at myself and making my own choices. I also acted out and lashed out in anger and resentment and it's a behavior I'm trying to forgive myself for and overcome in my future. I'm tired of living in a relationship where we both just react and then say sorry later. Forgiveness is a very hard thing to do for yourself. I forgive others much more readily than I do myself because I feel like I have to in order for them to like me. Well what about ME liking ME?? I'm finally starting to realize I have to take care of ME first and it's been the hardest thing for me to do. When I do that I am much less likely to lash out at others for their behaviors.
Thank you so much for you post. It sounds like you are on a similar path.
(((maresie))) I can so relate to your post. Since finding alanon I've started to look at my part in things. I've been brutally honest in looking at my own past behavior and have come to see things that I never realized before. It's easy to heap blame on ourselves, but what purpose does that really serve? None, in my opinion. We look at our past, acknowledge our mistakes, and move on. All I can say for myself, and I bet it applies to you too - I did the best I could with what I had at the time. Now I have new and better tools to work with. That's not to say I don't still make mistakes, but that old saying.... šprogress not perfectionš gives me some comfort. Please forgive yourself for any past mistakes so you can continue to make progress on your journey to a better you. Thank you so much for this share.
Great post, and a wonderful reminder of how tough we tend to be on ourselves.... I learned to become a big advocate of daily affirmations - thought they were pointless at first, but soon learned to love and look forward to them.... Some of my favorites include:
I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time
I am lovable, and capable of giving AND receiving love
You cannot eat an elephant in one bite. The proper way to eat an elephant is slowly, one mouthful at a time....
Thanks for the post
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks so much for a powerful message and share. I too had difficulty forgiving myself and I found just by working the steps, forgiving others, letting go of my anger and resentment of others, I was finally able to see my guilt removed (by HP) and I gave myself permission to be human. That was a true gift of alanon I did not have to be perfect.
My sponsor would ask me, "does your Higher power forgive you?"
And I would say, "of course."
Then she'd say, "If your Higher power forgives you, and you cannot or will not.... do you think you might be putting YOURSELF in the god position??"
Bottom line is, if I could have done better, I would have.
"God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change" ..... the fact that I did my very best in the past, despite all the pain it caused me.
When I argued that "someone such as myself" should have done better.... it revealed my character patterns of perfectionism and pride, which do not serve me well on the spiritual path. When I practice those, there is no room for Higher power, I am too occupied with negativity.
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 19th of September 2011 02:51:42 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 19th of September 2011 05:24:33 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
