The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is the first time posting here, and I'm not quite sure how or what to really write. Forgive me if it sounds as though I'm rambling and not making any sense...my head is just a little out of sorts, I'm confused, and super stressed.
I'm reaching out because I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I'm 27 years old, I live in Boston, and my father is an alcoholic. I grew up in Pittsburgh, PA with my dad being an awesome guy. He had trouble with drinking when I was a baby, and my mom basically gave him a choice - quit drinking, or you're not seeing your daughter. And there you have it - he chose to live a sober life, enjoyed every minute of it, and never had any regrets. That was until about 6 years ago.
My dad picked up the bottle again when he was going through a hard time. He went through stages at first....weeks drinking, weeks not. Months drinking, months not. After years of an unhappy marriage, my parents finally divorced (this wasn't necessarily due to his drinking, but of course it factored in, for my mother). Once the divorce was finalized, and my parents split up for good....the drinking got worse. Heavier. Longer. Etc. He'd drink rubbing alcohol. Mouth wash. Anything he could get his hands on. He finally went to the hospital, detox, rehab, came back and started going to AA - it seemed to work. Then he went through it again. And again. and again. This happened at least 4 times.....and each time, the drinking became progressively worse.
Each time my dad got sober....i had to rebuild my trust with him. He'd promise that it would never happen again....he'd see what the drinking did to his body, his mind, and his life....and he swore to never do it again. He followed the step program, attended AA, had a sponsor, etc.....just when I would finally feel comfortable enough to believe and trust him - he would drink again.
Today....he is at his worst. In the last 6 months, he's probably gone through hundreds of bottles of mouthwash, vodka, rubbing alcohol.....and he's probably down to about 80 lbs. Just last week, a counselor assigned to him on his last visit on the hospital....came into his home and found him unresponsive on the couch. He had fallen. He's currently in the hospital with internal bleeding in his head (which i think was stabalized) and a fractured disk on his spine. He's refusing rehab, and just wants to go home.
I believe in my heart that this is really going to be it for him. I just don't know what to do because i feel SO SO SO BAD.....it makes me so scared, worried, and upset to think about him just wasting away. Drinking away his life. He continues to push people away....he says that I'm the only one he has....(which is not true. so many people have helped him SO many times......). He'll call and call and call me when he's drinking.....leave message after message...begging me to call....but when i call him, he's drunk. He doesn't want go to rehab. He lies about his drinking. He'll be delirious half of the time and totally forget even talking to me the net day. Bottom line - his alcoholism has hit an all time low, and so have i. I just feel helpless. He's essentially dying at home in PA, wasting away.....yet he turns down getting help.
I just don't know what to do. does anyone have any advice? Does it make me a bad person to turn my back? Does it make me a horrible daughter to refuse his phone calls unless he goes to treatment? What do you do when your own father won't stop calling you, but the biggest fear you have is talking to him?
I am so sorry your Dad is so sick. This sounds like the disease in total control. You will benefit from live people to help you deal with this in the way that is best for you.
The very best suggestion I have would be a face to face meeting with real live people.
They are often available every night and yes getting out the door and then in the door when your there may seem hard but I have never attended a meeting and felt like I shouldn't have or felt the drive or time was wasted.
Now with that said, realizing you have no control over what is going on may help.
There is an alanon slogan called the three C's. YOU didn't cause it, YOU can't control it and YOU can't cure it.
There is a higher power who will help you through all this, it helps me to remember that I can not control this and the best thing I can do for everyone around me including the alcoholic in my life it to keep the focus on me and what I can contol which is my thoughts, actions etc... Keeping myself grounded and turning contol over to a highter power is the most powerful thing I can to for all I love. I can do very little except cause others difficulty unless I do.
You can take the phone calls or not but if he is not remembering them and they are causing you pain and confusion pehaps a plan that includes you calling him specific times or when he is most likely sober would be an idea? Just a thought not meaning to give "advice" sincerely just a question that I hope may help.
Thanks for sharing,,, my prayers are with you...
-- Edited by glad on Thursday 15th of September 2011 01:44:14 PM
-- Edited by glad on Thursday 15th of September 2011 01:46:54 PM
i have looked up meetings in my area and I definitely plan to go to one. My girlfriend said she would go with me, for support, as well - so I'm not so scared (I know there's nothing to be afraid of....but it would be nice for some moral support, of course).
Hmm - The 3 C's are very helpful - I really appreciate that. I know that it's not "my fault" - i never think in my head of blaming myself for my Dad's disease.....i do, however, wonder if and when is a good time for my final bottom line - cutting off contact. I feel like it would be so much easier if he was horrible and mean and screamed at me....but he doesn't. He just seems like a lonely man, taken over by his disease.....and he just wants to talk. I feel HORRIBLE not answering my phone when he calls. :( At the same time though......if he refuses treatment/rehab.....why should I indulge him and act as though I'm okay with him deciding this?
I am so thankful for your response - believe me. I appreciate the concern....and i'm so happy that i can use this board as a stepping stone to getting some support.
Personally I got to the point where I put my cell phone on airplane mode with the now ex A. Before I got there was a long journey. The ex A by the time he was calling my cell phone all the time was ill with two major illnesses. He was by then homeless, penniless and had alienated everyone around me. By the time I got there I had been through years of rage, pain, fear, feeling responsible for him. I had also got severely depressed, frightened, penniless, homeless, sick with worry, fear, obligation, sick with physical illness and sick with exhaustion.
At some point I had to choose me. It wasn't me or him it was "me". I had to get better. I had to get to a place where I could take care of me. That meant I stopped taking care of him in whatever way I did. Of course whatever I did was always always always minimized by him.
He'd tell people I was a crazy woman one minute a saint the next.
I didn't know where I began and he ended.
None of the feelings you have are "wrong". Actions where you have reached your limit are not wrong either. The issue with alcoholism is that when we get to the point of saying I can't take another phone call we feel guilty. When actually we are not the one who isn't accepting help. We are the innocent bystander.
the double bind of "I hate you don't leave me" is that there is no good choice. If you stay and try to persuade him otherwise, you end up exhausted, if you stop taking the phone calls you feel guilty and wonder what else you could have done....like there is no end to what you can do.
Good luck. glad you are here. Get the book Getting them Sober. Keep coming back.
maresie-- thank you so much for your reply. Your'e right - it is exhausting trying to try to change someone or convince them to get help. That's the hardest part. It's also heartbreaking to hear my father on the other end of the phone though, saying "Please don't hang up, I love you, please don't go - your'e all i have." Believe me, i wish I COULD help him, but i've told him so many times....he can only help himself, and until he decides to get help, i don't know what else to tell him.
Thank you for reassuring me that it's okay to feel what i'm feeling. And thank you for sharing your story with me.
I am so glad you are here and considering attending a face to face meeting of alanon with your girlfriend. I too have an alcoholic father who currently is active in his disease. It is a long and winding road. Answers for me came when I began attending alanon on a regular basis then working with a sponsor on the steps. In doing so I found it so much easier to make difficult decisions such as you mentioned of maintaining contact.
Please keep coming back. Just know there are so many of us here who can relate to what you are going through.
Alanon and Adult Child of Alcoholic meetings are working for me. My father quit when he was much younger, but never went to meetings. The symptoms of the disease prevailed and I wasn't taught great skills and tools to live with. Those meetings are helping me work on me. All we can do is help ourselves... HUGS to you, in much support, take care of you!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hi Kicks I would also like to welcome you to MIP and urge you to attend face to face alanon meetings.
This disease is so very painful and we need the support of others who understand as few others can.
I have been on the receiving end of that same type call, from my son and understand how hard it is. I would tell my son that I loved him, he knew where to get help and that I needed to get sleep and was going to disconnect the telephone for the night and then I did. I had a good nights sleep and then could take a call or two the next day.
you face to face meetings- i agree- this is way too serious for anyone to try and advice you with on internet- but you can always message me if yu are desperate- chin up- get to those meetings PRONTO xXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
oh my goodness- my heart goes out to so many people- hotrod- speaking to your son>? that broke my heart man, you are right though- whe they are so drunk its a waste f time- as they are beyond it- way BEYOND understanding anything- and if they cant remember the next day- why go all through that turmoil- they have complete and total black outs- so if anyone sat with them and tried t help....during the time when they were really drunk-- it really would be an unnecessary suffering. NO ONE can go through that....or should do. I spent hours listening to my mums ramblings when she was drunk...i didnt have a choice. it was truly- unforgetably terrible.
I do think it a good idea to catch your Dad on his sober- or less drunk times- just ten minutes of kindness will go a long way.... but only if you have the strength to do it.
I agree with everyone else and want to welcome you to MIP and say you made a great decision finding a meeting and hopefully in time you can find a sponsor and work a recovery program that helps you dettach a bit and move through this sad miserable disease. I am sending you love and support.
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you to everyone. I truly mean this - - - today is one of the first times when I felt like someone could truly relate to what I'm going through. Not only have I looked at what everyone posted back to me, but I've looked all over this message board. There are some very strong, courageous people here....so I know I am in good company.
I talked to my father on the phone tonight, in the hospital. Since he is in such physical pain from his fall, it was hard to really cut to the core and tell him how i feel. He will, however, be released within the next few days. There is no doubt in my mind that he will continue to drink. I will say this though........Tuesday is the first day I plan to attend a meeting in my area. I am nervous....but also very relieved that I have finally thrown my hands up, and realized that I can't really do this alone anymore.
Kicks....to thine own self be true. Your dad is committing slow suicide and making you and the rest of the family watch. He can't see it this way because he is now at almost the lowest bottom alcoholism can create. I think alanon will help a lot but there are no right answers and nothing you do is going to make his outcome change from whatever it's going to be. Go to alanon for your sadness and for your support and your sanity. You deserve it and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It sounds truly horrible.
