Messed up kids - Al-Anon Family Group

tinkerbell · Newbie

Messed up kids

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

If they are willing to go to an alanon meeting that possibly you don't attend, they will be welcomed at the tables there.

Hugs P :)

rosielee · Senior Member

as a child having grown up with an alcoholic parent i can sympathise with your kids (I too think al anon would be useful....if a teenage boy could hack going that is....)
and if they ever want to contact me to chat they are welcome- ill give you email address through message. i probably know wat they are feeling- or could sympathise- i also went off the rails. but they have one big plus in their favour and thats you. even though they are hard to reach- you are sensible- can give good advice and thats something that could go a very- very long way. its something that many kids with sober parents dont even get.

rosielee · Senior Member

well-i wont give email address unless they specifically want to make contact. you cant force it on anyone can you.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I too grew up in an alcoholic family home and know exactly what that experience is like. I noticed that you mentioned there were no alateen meetings in your area. I did find however on the Alanon/Alateen website that there are some individual Alateen stories written by Alateens to see whether or not your kids can relate. Also, there is a "find a meeting" link on this website. Perhaps it wouldnt hurt to take a second look. Here is the link to the Alateen stories:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/for-teens

The link for meetings:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

Take what you like and leave the rest. I hope you may find some use for the information.

Respectfully Yours,

Tommye

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe on this sight there is a post on the top about al-ateen online and for my 13 year old she has 3 different Al-ateen books that she said have helped her cope. My kids are younger and girls. My oldest sees a counslor who specializes in addiction and alcoholism. I have open communication with her and I don't try to fix her or change her feelings. It has been a slow process, but I just found Al-anon the beginning of the year and have made amazing headway. I am sending you courage and strength.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Be patient with them they dont trust us and why should they ? like us they are afraid to enjoy sobriety * just in case* I have had the pleasure of being with kids in our Alateen program for along time as a sponsor so many kids have felt this way and yeah thier angry and full of fear but as recovery proceeds they will come around .. I have posted at the top of this board a WSO approved site for teens it is online Alateen meetings after they are signed in and email is verified they will be able to attend all of the Alateen meetings shown , this is sponsored by Al-Anon members who have been police checked and approved by WSO so it is a safe place for teens .. the room is only open durring meetings 2 sponsors are in attendence at all times .. congrats on you and hubbys recovery Easy Does it . and your boys will follow . Louise

tinkerbell · Newbie

Wow, thank you all for your thoughts and good wishes! I knew I should have turned to this message board sooner! I will see if I can get them to check out the website for Alateen and maybe they can attend an online meeting. I don't think they would be receptive to going to an Al anon meeting with adults but you never know. Rosielee, I will see if they would be interested in chatting with you and let you know. I am hanging in there (barely) as I deal with fights at school, teenage drama etc. Thanks!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you are here. Been where you are, survived, so did my son and he is a man to be reckoned with. Succcessful, loves earthy things, fishes, rafts, scuba dives, camps, hikes, has friends etc.

It was not easy omgosh. I woulda handcuffed him to me if it would have helped!

I worked for 18 years with kids at risk of all ages. We had a classroom of them. HUGE one. Plus I was blessed to have a three classroom combo that was all mine full of teens. You could drop a pin in there, when they had to be quiet. the reason? I loved them, made sure they had a person who cared, brought cough drops, sewed a button back on, helped them pass math.

Helped parents with ideas. What one of the major keys is, is keeping them busy in what they love. My sons started with dirt bikes. That tearing around was directing all that anger and energy towards that. He grew and the motorcycles grew. (c:

I took him fishing. Then he started going with his friend and his dad. Now he is a master fly fisherman others want to be like. Its magic to watch him. NO he was not perfect, but a teens job is to pull away.

When they have the extra pain of an addict in the family it makes it harder. For now it helps to have a foundation. I mean before they are going to accept anything about the pain of what addiction is, what made Dad such a mess, then need to be able to talk to you about motorcycles.

My Mother taught me that. I sent my son on a huge fishing boat in the ocean with a bunch of other kids. It opened up the love of water, fishing, ocean the whole thing for him.

I dragged big books with paintings in them, and lots of photo books. Both my son and daughter are into photography and my daughter is a artist in many things. Both are super creative.

Ignore what they say, watch what they do. We would rent a cabin way out in the woods. no drugs, no cigarettes, nothing. Sure they griped! Ignored it. Brought fishing poles, rafts, fire stuff. Lots of good food, lots they had to prepare.

Heck once my son was such a jerk, it was when I celebrated b days. I got so mad at him. I had brought them to the beach to camp. Was great. Was time to eat. I had made him this great messy cake. He would not come eat and open presents, rrrr jerk when he said something obnoxious I threw he cake at him! lol

I always felt guilty. But guess what? He is 35 now, told me one of the best things I did was when I threw that cake at him when he was a teen! lol

At around 30 he said to me, I am sorry I was such a sh** growing up.

They need us to know, they are four year olds in big bodies with big toys and bad things they can get their hands on. They need us to love them. NOT wussy, sweet love, hardcore, I am going to love you and take you out in the woods, take you out on a fishing boat so you cannot get away. Sit and gripe or choose to fish.

I don't believe in negative reinforcement. I learned to look for whatever good they did. Oh hi honey, I am glad you got up and got dressed. What are you going to do today?

When you can tease and be funny. We do not have to be all dark and grey.

I KNOW this is serious stuff. Its ok to to go a positive route. Once they start feeling comfortable going off doing things with the family, sitting around a fire, dad and just one of them in a boat fishing, they will open up.

My life has been blessed by seeing this work first hand all around me. All my closest friends kids, all of us did this. our kids messed up of course, geez the stories, but they also were happy, grew into wonderful adults. One is a drummer for a very up there band now and they go to Europe to play by invitation! One, one son is super successful in computers and engineering, other son is an experiend chef in a major restaurant, another, daughter has her own unique jewelry and clothing store, daughter has a good job, and son is a pharmacist all in happy marriages!

It works. Keeping them into what their passions are, directing that energy to good things. Kids need to be introduced to things to know if they love it. The way school is anymore, its all academics. All the neat things are gone. I remember drafting! I LOVED it. Who knew I would be good at it?

These things are NOT to be taken away. They are a vital part of their development. Its part of being a family.

They need a sense of family. that their home is theirs too. Garden together, put up fences, my kids helped with everything, sometimes griping and being jerks. Ignored them. Now both know how to use tools, love to garden.

I was a widow raising my kids, ones dad killed when drunk, the other a Viet nam war vet that came home a mess. son's friends would come over and we would be out back building a fence around the garden. they didn't know a mom could do that!

Daughter grows the neatest flowers, can build anything, her home is so neat with colors. son is a lead man for a remodel company, builds things with pride. Manages up to three or four jobs at a time.

We just don't know what we do that will soak in! I never planned this. It was by accident. I made jewelry,hippie type, Daughter has her five year BFA degree, and taught at a university! Her jewelry is sold all over.

I put bells on gates, doors etc. I just like the sounds. And the the dogs and I knew if someone was around. Daughter does that too. I still have them on everything.

For them to have full lives, i saw how they gleaned all the stuff I did. All the things I got from my Daddy and Mother.

I fixed my own jeep. they would watch me, help. they both got jeeps and other vehicles and worked on them themselves. My daughter and I are both very feminine and like being women, but we also can fix a washer or dryer, drag our jeeps to get a new transmission with a rope no less, gads.

All of us can survive. All of us jump to help in any emergency. My son saved a guys life when the truck that had him up many stories working on something at a college was on fire below! son drove by looked at all the people looking up, drove up took his fire ext put it out and the guy got down!

Daughter is a lifeguard for those marathon swims.

It CAN be done. I had NO money. I was working full time as a tutor/teaching for the school district, and then also going to college full time. NO child support either.

I have NO regrets. You are fortunate as you have your husband to be part of it all too!

I would LOVE to have them come stay with me! lol I raised sooo many of my kids friends, who are still friends.

I put senior JOCKS, major football players in "time out!" lol and they did it. lol

I love kids, teens are my favorite, four year olds in big bodies, trying all sorts of stuff to figure it out.

LOTS of hugs too, love,debilyn who wishes she had the energy to raise some more!

pics of my son and daughter and her son, and my son's son

(c:

rosielee · Senior Member

i was just thinking.......and im watching this thread,, giving advice is not allowed but may i respectfully make a suggestion...would some familly counselling help to work through any anger issues and things that are not said which maybe need to be said? I say this because i believe this really would have helped me when i was young- to help make my mum understand and to give her my perspective.....also when yu are younger, its also hard to see what its like being a parent....children arent born with manuals are they- you just do the best you can do at the time. i know this kind of thing is very thin on the ground and it only gets offered to very bad families who have ttally fallen apart with young kids, well it doesnt get offered to them even. but if you do hear of anything- or anyone can do sme mediating for u maybe......i know some of my mums friends have really helped me- and when my mum went to therapy that helped me- as she got told things for the first time - it challenged her belief system- as she genuinely thought the whole family was not functional because it was everyone else- not her. yep.....sounds like fiction doesnt it!

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

In support, I can't add much, but know that you are welcome here :) Hope you have your own alanon meetings to go to, they help :) There are some great pod casts out there too, XA Speakers...You can google XA Speaker Alanon and find some great stuff to hear.
Take care of you :)

clep · Senior Member

I am an ACOA. I have seen my family go down the drain due to the long term effects fo alcoholism. My siblings I mean.

I work with children and see many different aspects to behavioral difficulties. It could be due to many different factors. It is hard to provide what we do not have. If parents are lacking in self restraint, boundaries and effective communication skills they cannot model those traits for their children. It is almost certain that an alcoholic family does not have these things in tact. I know our family didn't.

Congratulations on both of you working to make things better!

I bought the "Total Transformation Program" and swear by it. That coupled with alateen would make a signifigant difference I think.

Mom and dad being consistent with your own recoveries will allow them to trust again, making the whole process easier.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.