What a terribel position to be in.

Here's my background.  After 7 years of living with my now ex A he was diagnosed with Hepatitis and a really mad form of Muscular Dysthrophy.  He could not work.  Needless to say as he's a stubborn person he wouldn't put in for Social Security either.  The diagnosis came after years of binging on drugs and alcohol.  His whole adult life has been drugs and alcohol but he always blamed others (his mother, his then girlfriend, his brother, you name it he blamed them). 

Our finances (such that they were) went to pot.  We eventually got evicted from our home of 7 years.   He goes completely nuts, puts his stuff in storage and lives in the truck I bought him with our two dogs.  By then I had left him believing his story he would move in with relatives some 75 miles from where he lived. He didnt' do that. Went there one day and came back and mooched around living in a truck with two dogs in blistering heat.

I end up paying for him to stay in a trailer (that's all he would accept) where he continues to have chaos and crisis all the time.  He hit and ran a guy in a car.  Luckily the man was not injured. He went to court for that.  Then he fully expected me to pay for everything and called me day and night about every little thing in his life.  Meantime he totals the truck he had been living in.  So he had no transport and feels like a victim.

I can go on and on.  I put this out because I wanted you to know you are not alone.  Many alcoholics/addcits totally destroy their entire life.  The issue is by then they are pretty far gone.  Some of them do indeed get sober at that late stage.  Some don't.

I ended up taking the dogs and finding a home for them with me which was pretty difficult on what was then no income.  The ex A went to live with his mother in another state and no doubt made her life incredibly difficult.  He still expected me to pay for everything even though he stole from me and more.  I stopped paying but it was a long long time before I got to that.

I'm so glad you are here.  Al anon can help you a lot. Come here as much as you can and post. Go to the chat room when you are lonely and sad. When I first got here, before the ex A went into his rapid decline I felt absolutely morbund with rage, fear, grief and exhaustion.  I found great solace in the chat room. People were incredibly kind to me.

If  you have a chance get a hold of the book Getting them Sober. 

The more you can get involved with program the more tools you can learn and the more manageable your life can become. Without this place I would simply have gone under.

Maresie.

I am glad you are reaching out.

All I can do is share experience, and I have had too much  in my life.

I am guessing what you need  is comfort. For me that comes from the truth.

You fell in love with an addict. He did not choose to be one. No one does. It isn't nor was it ever his fault he is one. All that has happened to you all, was from a horrible, horrible disease.

It is no more personal than cancer or Lou Gerigs disease. He did not create anything, he is no more responsible than I am.

The disease is not something they can just stop. Not all addicts get a chance to try to go into recovery!

It is not curable.

He is in the last time of his life. When it gets to this stage, there is not much time.The reason he has not been acting the same the last few years is his liver was breaking down from the horrible abuse that alcohol makes on ones body. He could not stop!

So that means his brain has been compromised for a very long time. It takes time for the liver to get this bad. All those lesions on and in his liver from it trying to filter all the impurities, left wounds. Those wounds heal into scar. Scaring does NOT filter. so all those poisons have gone thru his body and his brain causing insurmountable damage.

I am sharing this with you to help you see, it's not the A we hate, its the disease that caused the horrible behavior we hate.

It makes them think things that are true are not, they may hallucinate, see things that are not there, be very irritated by simple things. He does not comprehend about bills or chores or anything anymore. He probably does not think about thank you and love or gratitude

He is brain damaged. NO one who has gone thru what his body has can not heal from this.

My experience was, when I learned this, knew it to be true I was able to face all the horrors of it and not blame him one bit. I lost everything, cept my spirituality.

I am not bitter at all. Mine is still out there being an insane brain damaged person.

We have no idea how he has lived this long.

His brother died in my arms from cirrosis. Besides filtering the liver has to do with clotting. My bil, did not live, could not get healthy enough to survive a transplant. He had been clean for many, many, many years too! He bled from every poke, from shots, iv's, everything.

It's serious, I knew it was no time to be mad, worried about money, or no one telling me thank you. Whe we realize the truth, it hits us hard. All that other inconsequential stuff, just does not matter.

ONE day at a time. If you don't sign paperwork in your name, most states cannot hold you responsible. Also most all hospitals have a program that all the bills can be written off, reduced etc.

There is no use thinking about the future.

It has helped others to take care of themselves. Get away from it, have other family members stay with them.

I feel so so much for you. Been in your shoes and worse. bil's mother called this famous major hospital andtold them not to let me in with him! Was he or anyone else from his family there? NO. I was with him amonth, taking the bus, friends taking me up there, sleeping on two chairs in the waiting room, washing in the bathroom sink,

Reading to him, crying with him, reading the Bible, listening to the crazy things he said.

It was one of the most precious times in my life. And his family hated me for it, but they were NOT there.

Hey bless you for hanging in and being there! It is not a have too uno. many would walk away. You are a testimont to your love.

BE true to yourself. Love is forgiving and kind, patient, does not keep account of injury, it does not fail!

This time is so precious honey. I know you are exausted so take time for you. Its ok to ignore the things he says. take a breath, tell yourself it is the disease talking and it does not matter.

I am so sad for you all! Keep coming back and venting. We get it, believe me.

And I wonder has mention of a transplant been offered? He is so young.

sending you love and prayers, debilyn

Thank you all for your kind words,,,,I've been a lurker of this message board for a very long time.  This disease is just awful,,,,I would never wish this situation on anyone.  He is young, that's what all the nurses would say to me.  At this point he is home, he is not drinking but I'm sure he thinks about it.  He's not feeling so good, he coughs a lot and has fluid building up again.  It's nice to know there is somewhere to go to vent or share my thoughts.  I try to not take the things he says or does to heart but I guess just not understanding the disease itself it's hard for me to understand.  His mind is not the same.  It's very scary to see someone you love and have been with since you were 18 be so different and look so different.  One of the nurses in the emergency room actually asked me if he was my dad .  He's angry all the time.  He gets mad at our cat which is 16 just for meowing.  I feel like I walk on eggshells.  One minute he's hungry, I get up to make something then he gets po'd because it's either not ready (in 2 mins) or he decides that's not what he wants or he will just throw it across the room.  I try not to react, one of the post said he is brain damaged, this I do believe because now that he is home and moving around, belly still filling however it is almost like dealing with a person that has been hit in the head.  One of the nurses told me if he doesn't get it back within 6 months he never will.  That's the thing with the nurses, they would all tell me different things.  This whole situation is just awful,,,,just awful.  His family had no ideal any of this was going on until the day I took him to the emergecy room and even then his brother and I didn't tell his mom EVERYTHING until just a few weeks ago.  They all ask me "why didn't you tell us", I always felt like I had this huge secret that noone knew.  Now I feel awful about that, but I keep asking myself what the heck would they have done that I didn't try already.  One thing I have learned through this experience is someone who drinks will not quit unless they are ready.  The only reason he was ready on August 9th was because he couldn't breath.  His belly had filled so much with fluid that his lungs collasped (sp?).  Today his color has came back somewhat and his eyes have cleared up some.  He is still not eating though.  He gets angry when I press him to eat.  His potassium level is low, very low.  His blood pressure runs very low.  He is trying, I see him moving around some almost like self rehab but if he doesn't eat he's not going to be strong enough to do anything.  He got to that point before I took him to the hospital, he could hardly make it down the hall to go to the bathroom.  I had to lay him on the floor to dress him the day I took him in.  They told me he had about a week to live if I didn't take him that day. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm so unsure if he will even be here this time next year and I'm trying to enjoy the time I have with him.  I'm trying to ignore the anger, the hatred because I do see the real person in there.  Thank you all again and you will be seeing me a lot around here now that I found you all! (((hugs to you all)))