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Question how to handle something for those of you who've ever separated from your A. My AH is in inpatient rehab now after several hospitalizations and being unable to stay sober enough for outpatient, and going on a bender with his own mother (who'd been sober 22 years). He hasn't lived with me since July, moved in with his mother. I couldn't take the stress and have a 2 yr old boy I need to care for.
I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow to discuss legal separation. I'm not quite ready to do divorce yet - despite pressures from my family, and I don't know if that's right, but I am not in an emotional position to do this. Meanwhile, AH has been inpatient for over a week after his latest bender 2 weeks ago. He called me today asking if I think I will take him back and when he can see our son. He said he wouldn't blame me if I don't take him back. He doesn't know I'm seeing a lawyer. He is still very much out of his mind even though he may be physically detoxed by now.
I don't know what to say to him or how to say it to him. My therapist advised to have very little contact with him for 6 months, and only if he stays sober during those months. I don't know if I will ever have him back; if I do, it will only be after a very, very long time of proven sobriety which he is nowhere near now. As for seeing our son, I will have to discuss with lawyer, but it will have to be on my terms.
How do you say to your A that you aren't ready? That you need a time apart, a separation from the madness, and time to heal yourself? Is that just dragging things out? I want to be calm and cool and let him know that a marriage is not compatible with alcoholism and I don't have the energy to live with this now (or maybe ever). I don't even know how I feel. I just can't believe this is the person I married. He is so sick now. I just don't know how to talk to him.
In theory when I physically left the ex A I separated rather than ended our relationship. I don't know, like you, if I would have had the "strengh" to completely cut off right away.
If you have the book Gettng them Sober its a great resource for issues like this. I do think expectations are so key.
When I left the ex A physically removing myself he took it very badly (unlike your A he was never remotedly interested in recovery). I do know he absolutely never expected me to cut off all ties with him.
Custody issues are pretty complex. I know dogs don't compare to humans but I left the dogs I had with the ex in his care. He did not take care of them. Eventually I had to take them and one of them was his dog. I would not trust a child with an active alcoholic. There are ways you can spell these terms out. Enforcing them is another matter.
I think al anon can be a great great resource for you. Therapy is a great help too. I'm almost 5 years out now in leaving the ex A. There was a period of ove a year I kept in touch with him.
In theory we were not married but we had so much conjoined things it was as difficult as a divorce to unentangle. I felt like I lost a great deal in the process.
Getting them Sober is a great great resource for you for all these issues. I can't recommend those books highl enough.
Remember, you don't have to get his agreement. In my experience it's hard to get the agreement of an alcoholic, because they have "Nothing is wrong" blinders on, sometimes interspersed with "I'll change totally so that everything will be okay, really, I mean it this time." They're all over the map and they don't know what's realistic and what isn't.
What you said here sounds just fine to say to him. Maybe you can write it in a letter if you're worried that he'll be too upset for you to face, or angry, or distraught, or make promises, or plead, or whatever. Since they don't have a grip on their emotions, their reactions are typically strong. That doesn't change what's right for you to do, which is whatever you have decided is right. You have to protect yourself and your child. That comes first, always.
Alanon isn't about advice giving. I can only share with you my experience strength and hope. There are many things you could do, but you have to decide that. While he is in rehab, there are alanon meetings and concentrating on you. Finding a sponsor and doing things for me have all helped me to begin the path to recovery. I have been told when I work the steps, I will have a better idea about things and will be able to make an informed decision. The books that alanon has that work for me are: One day at a time in alanon, Courage to Change and As we understood. There are many free pamphlets at the meetings, phone numbers and hugs. You can listen at meetings, and then talk to people afterwards and ask questions...
Again, this is a program for you to work on you. Alanon is for you to get better. In alanon we learn that we can have peace and serenity whether they drink or not. HUGS! Take care of you :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Look after yourself like you found me said I am newly separated as of Friday so I can relate somewhat My ex ah doesn't think he has a pb Which is fine. I went to see a lawyer before even talking to my husband I needed to understand the legal implications and financial of course. It took me 6 months to approach the topic this is my experience every situation is different. I think before u take such a big decision it's better to work your program and see what happens a lot of members are happily married with active alcoholics we all make a choice based on what's best for us This is not an easy time so my thoughts are with you
I think you say it just like you wrote it. There is no way to spare his feelings. Don't worry about the impact on his sobriety. If he's ready to get sober, nothing will deter him and he will get sober just to have a life back.
Once you draw those boundaries though, you need to stick to them.
Thank you all. I have been reading Getting Them Sober - yes, really good, practical and hits the nail on the head in so many areas. I agree with you pinkchip. My being understanding about his drinking and trying to rationalize with him to stop didn't stop him, so separating won't make him continue if he doesn't want to. I guess it's just remembering that it's all up to him and all I can do is control my peace, sanity, and take care of myself and my child. I've spent too long worrying about the AH feelings and being dragged into his drama.
i cant give advice, but many times friends and close ones have come up to me and said they are getting clean and how well they are doing- and ive leant them my support- including the time when my friend needed a lift to get a light bulb (oh - silly naive me-lol) when really i ended up giving her a lift to get heroin and me and my son was unwittingly outside a dealers how (my spirit guide was there as the dealer wasnt in and it was a fruitless trip for her- which is good as she used me and lied to me)
so now- however close people are I say - well i dont say i think- come back to me when yuve been sober and clean for a year and then you get my support.
there are meetings and other ex addicts and alcohlics he can get support from- he can have a sponsor- daily meetings-
Ill say no more before i ramble n way too much. im not getting caugh out ever again- if somene wants their sobriety enough theyll do it and theyll do it on their own is what i say. it can really hugley mess you about if they claim to- but really are not doing it.
and i say this as a person whos beat addiction and i did it on my own
