Lonely - Al-Anon Family Group

elizabethcontreras · Member

Lonely

lasthope · Veteran Member

Hi Elizabeth,

You're in the right place and thank you for sharing. I appreciate how you're feeling.
Al Anon can help you so try to go to face to face meetings if you can. You can recover
from your own dependency along with
your boyfriend and the two of you can have a chance for lasting happiness.

If my H were gone two weeks I would miss him too. Missing is healthy.
Having an emotional dependency is not. I know. I had an unhealthy
dependency that therapy helped me to
overcome almost completely but I'm still triggered from time to time.
When it happens I recognize it and step up my time on this site and go to my f2f meeting.
I also talk to my best friend about it and tell her exactly what's happening.
She and Al Anon keep me solidly healthy.

It could be that one reason we stay with addicts is that we don't have to figure out
how to make ourselves happy because our lives are addiction centered. Making our
way in the world isn't as easy as it sounds. As you said, you've tried to foster
relationships with loved ones whom you had shut out of your life. It's work.

Without addiction, we have to make a life for ourselves and include friends and families.
We are responsible for our own happiness. With addiction, we just react and are in
a sort of autopilot mode of existence, so the payoff is abdication of responsibility.
But ultimately it leads to our demise.

When I was deeply in my own compulsive dependency, if I had been in your situation,
I too would have been anxious, lonely, and agitated. My feelings would have overwhelmed me to
the point of being barely able to get through the day much less accomplish anything
significant. I would have wanted to curl up in a fetal position.
I suffered immense emotional pain for decades. I still feel sad. I still feel lonely.
I still have unhappiness. But the feelings don't suffocate me and stop me from living.
I know I'll be ok no matter what.

Best to you,

LH

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I dont have the experience of a loved one going to treatment. However, I will say the best thing I feel I have done is to beging attending Alanon on a regular basis so that I could get a better understanding of the disease of alcoholism and begin to learn how to live again. For many years in the relationship with the AH I had unknowingly became emeshed with him. I lost sight of what I liked, wanted, and that peaceful feeling when I was alone. Being alone was not a good feeling. I often would spend time wondering what are they doing right now. Who are they with. I would need my feel good fix with a phone call, text whatever. That showed me that I was not standing on my own two feet in this relationship. My happiness was contingent on what they were doing, saying, or if they were having a bad day.

Alanon taught me how to get a life. The step work for me proved to be just the distraction I needed to put the focus back on myself and discover who I am, almost like a new me. I had lunch dates with my sponsor weekly, attended meetings on a regular basis, and did a little service work to the group like pick up books and straighten out the chairs in the rooms after the meetings. I had a purpose beyond going to work and coming home wondering what are they doing.

There is a book in Alanon called, "When I Got Busy, I Got Better". Through service work to my group, sharing in meetings, and working with my sponsor, my life began to change. My relationship with my active AH changed as well. We have a different relationship today. It is much stronger today as a result of taking my hands off others and cease trying to change them. I depend on my HP for the love and support I need one day at a time. I check in with my HP rather than my loved one. I find that the relationship I maintain with my HP is much more permanent and fulfilling.

In support,

Tommye

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

You are getting some great ESH here, I know I am benefiting from it also.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

when my partner wwent into rehab I missed him so much it hurt. I have since learnt that I was just as muh addicted to him as he was to alcohol. In fact as he got healthier in the rehab (he was there for 6 months) I got more and more insecure I needed him to need me for me to feel loved. I started to see how sick I was and really had to get the focus on me. I have spoken to couple who are in AA and al anon and they have shared how their seperate recovery,s are on different levels. I am so glad your partner is rehab doing his work, it is all about attitude we have a better chance of having successful relationships if we work on our own recovery. I was always focused on his recovery sickness, life. I never started to get better till I get focused on me. My focus can still slip onto him today i have to be evry vigulant to work my own recovery. I am now having a break from my partner because I want space to focus on me I would have never been this focused on my self it was always about others. Today I realsie that I am sick , I matter and I need to help too!!! hugs

rrib · Senior Member

Sounds like YOU are having withdrawl symtoms yourself.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Elizabeth

Welcome to MIP

You have been given fantastic responses and food for thought .

I just wanted to add that there is help and hope for you in the rooms of alanon. I hope you can arrange to attend regularly.

Come here, on line meetings and the chat can help to break the isolation and offer you tools to connect with your BF in a more constructive positive manner.

Please note you deserve to be happy and when your BF returns hopefully he will be attending many AA meetings and developing new constructive ways of seeing the world You can both grow together.

Keep coming back

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you have the book Getting them Sober. Fearing recovery is very common for those of us who are around alcoholics.

I know when I left the ex A I missed him tremendously. I think what I missed now were just the good parts I dont' miss the horrendous parts.

The ex A took up all my life for many years. Every second was taken up with the roller coaster.

I had to stop having him be the front center and entire body of my life. Al anon gave me that opportunity. If you are lonely the chat room here usually has people in it. The meeitngs, tiwce a day can be a great resource for meeting and connecting with people. Building relationships takes time but it also takes effort. I gave everything to the alcoholic for so long I forgot how to be with others.

Whatever happens in your relationship, if your A moves into revoery or does not al anon can be a great resource for you. Recovery means great change. The more tools you can avail for yourself the better.

maresie.

rosielee · Senior Member

all i have to say is subutex is a major addiction- it physically and psychologically grips you, it takes years to recover from it not weeks. i just thought id say this, because hell need the support more than ever- all the way through-

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Again

I just wanted to add that the disease of alcoholism can be arrested but never cured .

Anyone suffering from this disease needs the support of AA and if necessary the medical profession. We who live with this disease have also been affected and need alanon tool to arrest our disease.

Please keep coming back

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Elizabeth, All these responses are so wonderful eh?

Something I realized a long while back, with help from Jerry I will add, that I was lonely for a person, or a couple people. I was NOT lonely. As we can be lonely in a room full of people, at the store etc.

So for me to say, I miss my first husband. And not think, I am lonely made a huge difference, I did not feel depresssed.

So I could come here, read literature, work on me etc. Not just bum around and feel sad!

Of course you miss him and have concerns, but a vital tool we learn is ONE day at a time. For me that is I get up,do this routine, I have animals, take care of me, get on computer. If my thoughts get too far ahead, I say stop, what can you do today. If I can do something, I do it. If I cannot do anything more OKKKKk I an read, or go thrift shopping or enjoy my home that I have for one more day!I am telling you it changed my life.

Miss him, then I could think, everything will be ok.If a thought went thru, will he still want me when he is sober? Will he go on to his 90 meetings in 90 days....I would again say stop. His disease, recovery, relapse, rehab AA is all HIS business not mine. Mine is to make sure I am the best person Ican be. Will he love me? I always took it for granted he did. I know mine still does.

Let me tell you, in all my experience, they come home pretty shakey, their number one priority we pray for them is to stay in recovery. I know when I detached from his disease, that saved me. I would think, of course he loves me. He is very sick!

If he comes home and uses the next day that is HIS thing not ours. NO surprise he is an addict! When I learned and believed in my heart he had a horrible disease,NOTHING he did was a shock. Lying, hiding booze,shooting up,no money dui, sober for a month using again. All the things addicts do, nothing was a surprise anymore than if a person with brain cancer forgot to shut the refridgerator and the pet pig ate all the good stuff!

What was important to me was, I loved him, adored him, he was right there, I got to see him. He was not like he used to be. But I concentrated on my love for him not his disease. NO expectations, no trust no not trust. Take things as they come.

I tell you it makes life with an A soooo much easier when WE learn to take care of us, and just love them.

you can do this! Keep coming, read literature, go to meetings, get numbers and call those people. We love to support each other.

Glad you are here, love,debilyn

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs! I am glad you are here and posting this. Your thread here has helped me today :) Thank you. Keep coming and I hope you found some meetings in the alanon rooms... Take care of you :)

CUrbs83 · Member

What I've learned is even if the alcoholic gets sober and is working on themselves, it does NOT make life happy/perfect and the problems don't just magically disappear! Attend al-anon meetings! I went to two, then my alcoholic bf was attending AA six days a week, had a sponsor, was working on the 12 steps and i was like oh wow, this is it, everything is 'fixed.' It wasn't. It takes the sober alcoholic YEARS to get through emotions/struggles. It took them years of addictive behavior to be who they are, and getting sober won't correct all of that in weeks/months. It's a life-long struggle. Just know you're not alone. I went to a meeting tonight and every person that spoke, I connected to. I'm 28, and I have yet to see anyone in a meeting around my age, but I've walked someone's shoes in al-anon at least once, at least for a second. Focus on you :)

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I just got off the phone from my ex-AH - it was SUCH a normal respectful conversation, humorous and friendly discussing what life is throwing at us. It was nice, part of the reason I ended up with him I suppose, because our conversations used to be that way before he started treating me like an evil nagging warden/wife/enemy. I have obtained detachment emotionally from him, I don't cry anymore and can shrug my shoulders and commiserate when he relates his problems and they don't become my own.

I miss the times we used to be on the couch together, his head in my lap, both falling asleep to something of my choice on tv turned down low to encourage nappy-time - my hand on his head (bald head, I am so weird because I really LOVE caressing his bald head). But the past is just too strong, the anger and hatred too fresh in my mind; and, if i need it, I walk down memory lane to remind myself how bad it was.

We've been apart for 10 months now and the peace in my house is worth the few times I've battled the lonelies. I know my case is different from yours in a lot of ways, but I DO understand being lonely. My mom always flippantly throws at me this quote: Better to be alone than wish you were. And I really dislike how cheerfully she says it; I know its meant to try to make me feel better but it doesn't, because I miss the him I talked with tonight, the charming sweet lovable man that captured my heart. But the pain isn't worth it so I'll be lonely sometimes, I can live with that.

elizabethcontreras · Member

Well I have been spending my 3rd week alone in the house and I am actually starting to like it. I like being able to just think in a room without worrying about what mood someone is in or if I can just be myself. I'd always feel bad when I had a good day or I was in a playful mood and he looked upset about something or sick. I've always been a morning person, I've been able to get up and make as much noise as I want. I got home today and have been listening to my favorite songs blasting on the stereo all night. The nicest thing is I've been able to just focus on myself and getting to know myself better. It kind of feels like I am meeting myself all over again, like a "there you are, where have you been?" kind of thing. I usually get so wrapped up with my own bs and with my BF and his problems that I don't just get to hang out and do things I normally enjoy. Being lazy and watching movies, meditating, night bike rides. I like staying in this positive space but every now and then I get the blues or "withdrawals". I am visiting my BF for the first time this saturday and of course, returning to Al-Anon on Sunday. Tomorrow I have my group therapy session and it has been good to connect with other people such as yourselves with kind words and wisdom. Wow, alot of things are unfolding and I am starting to feel grateful that my BF and I are apart right now and taking this time to heal/grow.

Thank you all so much, HUGS HUGS HUGS

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I can really relate to liking just doing your own thing in your own house - how good it feels to do something that makes you happy. I just spent 2 hours painting in my kitchen, dragging the fridge out, washing the walls with tsp,, painting with light blue paint, and jamming to old country music - couldn't have done it with HIM here.

Don't you hate having to mask your good mood, or have it dampened because someone else is in a bad mood and you aren't "supposed" to be in such a good mood if he isn't???

Glad you are enjoying yourself!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.