Not reacting = a blind eye? - Al-Anon Family Group

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

Not reacting = a blind eye?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah, but look at it this way. When a little kid is acting up and they are just ignored....not given attention...the behavior changes (it might not go away) but it changes because they are not getting negative attention for it. The parent also doesn't waste time screaming when the kid wants to be screamed at anyhow.

Withdrawing attention is a consequence...but also a boundary. I guess that's my take on it.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

In my case my A knows I do not condone his drinking. I've told him so hundreds of times. I've asked him to quit hundreds of times. I've gotten angry and upset when he drank. None of that worked - for him, or for me. Now, I don't react. I do walk away. Doesn't seem to make a difference to him but it works much better for me.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand where you are coming from; I used to feel the same.

However, I now see that your question is comparing apples and oranges.

Going against the work dress code is defiance; it's blatantly resisting authority.

Alcoholics drink because they are addicted to alcohol; they are not deliberately resisting, nor trying to upset anyone.

In my experience, calling attention to their drinking only drives them into deeper denial and often justifies (in their minds) that they have reason to drink (i.e., wife is a nag; parents are too strict, etc.)

An alcoholic (I think) knows on some level that he/she should not be drinking. But part of the disease is denial.

I was married for 36 years. About the last 26 years of our marriage, I nagged, pleaded, tried to make him feel guilty and promised X,Y, & Z would happen IF he stopped drinking. Nothing worked. The only exception was when he was ready to admit that he was powerless of alcohol and his life was very unmanagable. Then, and only then, did he begin to change his thinking/behaviors.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 11th of September 2011 09:41:36 AM

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I have learnt the hard way that if I react I get dragged in to it. My ABF was sober for 9 months and has been drinking again for about 2 months. I have removed myself I no longer will enagge with it or watch it, I left him to it he carnt blame me because I have got out of the way he can do as he wishes. He has rang and said he is ready to go back to AA that is his choice also. He knows what I think they say if you say something once you are experessing your opinion if you say it again and again you are trying to control someone. I just make choices for myslef today and try to let him do the same and face the consequences of them.

hugs tracy

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Walking away from a confrontation is not about the alcoholic for me , its about not engaging in those stupid nasty arguments that get us no where . When I walk away I feel better about me because if I engage I usually say something I wish I hadnt and feel guilty . Who needs it ?? For me its not condoning whats going on its just accepting that I cannot change it . You have a right to say how you feel about the situation but have to learn to then let it go .

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ex: We live with someone with brain cancer. They have times when they are moody, say rude things, do rude things.

We learn to detach with love. We cannot change it. We walk away, we don't interact.

Same with the addict! They are sick, they do not choose to be an addict. Whether we ignore or not does not matter! Whether they think we accept it doesn't matter!

They are NOT doing it because they are having fun! No one chooses to be an addict and have to lie. Have to hide what they do becuz they are so ashamed.

Wearing shorts to work is being rebellious, it is NOT an addiction or disease!

Yes if we say nothing we accept they have a horrible disease that we cannot control and most times they cannot either with out help!

We accept a diabetic has hypoglyemic ephisodes, they need to eat more often, exercise, not put too much stress on their organs. If we don't gripe about it, condemn them do you think they think Oh I guess its alright to be a diabetic?

Our not responding to some one elses disease is actually a good thing. They feel enough guilt all on their own.They don't need us making them feel bad.

Allowing them the dignity to be who they are, make their own choices, is exactly what we want.

If we cannot be with someone and give them that, how awful that would be.

We either accept them as is, change ourselves to be ok.

We don't accept it and make everyones lives miserable around us and fight a losing battle.

Or we take ourselves OUT of the equation.

I accept an A is an A whoever they are. I just love them. I know I would not want to live with one again. But if they are a nice person u bet i will be their friend. I don't have any expectations of anyone ever. To me it makes no sense to. Lives are full of LIFE happening that can change things.

To accept each other as is, is a beautiful thing, but that does not mean we can live with them.

hugs hon, debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 11th of September 2011 01:05:57 PM

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Actually I think detaching and not engaging is showing them that you have limits. The ex A would use my aruging with him as a reason to go out. He did that on my birthday when he'd promised me a meal out. All day he spent with his friend drinking. I had a limit on going out with him when he was drunk. He used my arguing with him as a reason to go out all night with the friend. These days of course I would have a plan be.

The addicts who I live around are real clear I do not condone their activity in any shape or form. On the other hand I no longer argue with them. Of course that comes at a cost for me. I still live around it (the choices around that are pretty limited for me) However I no longer live around it exhausted and resentful.

Maresie.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

In my opinion, not engaging is something I do for me, and for me only. I don't do it to express either approval or disapproval to someone else...it's not a passive-agressive statement I'm making. I do it because I choose to keep my serenity and not give it away trying to control something I can't control no matter what I do. Trying to change someone's behavior never brought me anything but frustration, sadness, and grief. When I don't engage, I get to keep my inner peace, which I've truly come to value in my recovery.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Here's something to think about -- it could be said that staying with them is condoning. We can object and argue all we want, but if we stay with them, we're saying, "Actually, really it's okay by me -- I'd rather have you with the addiction than not have you."

I know there are different ways to think about staying. But just throwing that out there for what it's worth.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with what everyone has already expressed, .. it goes back to step 1 for me I admit that I am powerless over addiction. I don't have to like it or say that I like my A's addiction, however I have to accept it is part of the whole package that is him. I don't get to pick and choose what traits he has the good or the bad. I always come back to my AH is a good guy, he happens to be an alcoholic also. I have to decide what my limit is in dealing with the disease of addiction.

The whole not engaging is actually not about my AH it is totally about me and my reactions to life situations. There is a saying about running around town chasing down my addict all the while dragging my dignity behind me. I'm not quoting that .. LOL .. that's the gist of it. For me that represents where I am coming from in dealing with people in my life in general, I can do it with integrity of being a whole person emotionally, spiritually and mentally OR I can allow my crazy behavior to get the better of me and jump the crazy train out of town. It's all about my choice and my responsibility of being a whole person. I don't like how I feel when I jump the crazy train.

Hugs P :)

It's always a work in progress and it's always about progress not perfection :) Hugs again :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Not reacting is what keeps me safe. It works with my AH and with my 7 year old who really knows how to push my buttons. For me it not a sign of approval. I have had tremendous practice in trying to prove my point which is a fruitless waste of energy. What works for me is boundaries with any unacceptable behavior. What our limits are to unacceptable behavior is different for everyone. I must say I slip too and react. It is usually when I am in the H.A.L.T stage of my program failing to practice self care is when I find I give my serenity away.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi E

Theere are many great responses here. I just finished erading the Courage to Change for today ,(page 256) and it is perfect answer to your question.

In a brief summary it states: Acceptance does not mean SUBMISSION to a degrading situation . I means accepting the FACTS of a situation and then DECIDING what to do. "

"Acceptance is empowering because it makes choice possible"

iI is a process so just keep showing up.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't react is one of my favorite slogans here. Because I have spent my life reacting, it is not reacting that helps me feel better. When I take the time to respond so things, I get to feel better and know what I want is what I want. I wouldn't want someone following me around yelling at me for everything I do, saying "I don't condone this, what you do is wrong to me, blah blah blah" it would make me want to do it more. So not reacting is not accepting, for me its allowing the other person to be an adult. When they are sober, we can talk with them, tell them how we feel. Thats when say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean comes in for me. If I slip, its because as Tommye wrote, I am too hungrey, angry, lonely or tired. Or its from fear. I accept the person and love him where he is right now. I can decide just for today to stay and work on things and on me.

I don't believe that staying is condoning the behavior. Alanon says at the beginning that the program helps us to gain serenity whether they drink or not. So many speakers have talked about how they came to alanon and their qualifier joined them in recovery... Take care of you. HUGS!

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