The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How do you know when the sponsor you signed up with is actually not working out? I've heard people in groups say that they didn't like what their sponsor told them and they stuck it out.
My sponsor points out my flaws but she's sick too so how is a sponsor credible? She'll ask my questions and then halfway she will stop me and say that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. So how are sponsors suppose to help then? It's hard for me to see how a sponsor can help if they're sick people just like us. Can someone explain that?
To top it off she has a Masters degree in Pshychology so she knows very well how to play mind games.
I was told to go for a person who had something I needed...specifically needed. I wanted a sponsor not a counselor and being friends was extra. The rule of men on men and women on women helped me also. I've had sponsors that didn't work out for me and I just chalked it up to making a miss for now and kept looking. I have had many good sponsors and mostly I was given what I needed to start with. Its up to me to make the call as to whether the agreement is working out or not and either of us have the ability to call it quits and should exercise that ability when necessary "for that I am responsible". I can tell the difference twix a counselor and a sponsor and between kind, honest, compassionate and loving behavior and the opposite. I also keep in mind that all of the fellowship comes from chaos and insanity and that keeps us equals and not more. So...if they have something I need I ask them to show me how they got it. I've I'm doing the steps I ask them how they did it and what were the outcomes. Besides my sponsors I've had the entire fellowship to fall back on too...and learned what it is mean't to have a meeting or homegroup sponsor me. Take what you like and leave the rest can be widely applied.
Most important for me is to also keep a tight hold of my own personal inventory so that I can take care of my part of the relationship.
Good thread and I'm gonna be listening for what comes next. (((hugs)))
This sounds like you are having a tough time and disappointed just now.
I did have a wonderful sponsor up to about 15 yrs ago, unfortunately she has died.
My understanding of Al-Anon is that one tries always to focus on the steps and traditions in helping another to protect themselves, and encouragement for them to grow.
It may be that she is using the 'tools of her trade' and if so this may be confusing to you.
I'm sure that there are other members on this site that within a day or two will be able to give suggestions to you.
It is ok to stop with a sponsor. It may be how she talks too. I mean I've been in counseling on and off for many years and so how I write is really how I talk too. If it's not working out it's ok. I was specifically told that if and when I wanted to stop with my sponsor I could ditto for her too. It just kind of is what it is. I also know it can be uncomfortable to have someone say something that doesn't jive with what I want to hear and I still need to hear it.
It is my job to fix me not for someone else that doesn't mean I shouldn't be open to hearing things I don't like.
Hugs P :)
PS - I've never sponsored someone so I'm coming from the standpoint of sponsee.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome Alanon is a fellowship of equals as JerryF has pointed out. It is suggested that we select, someone whose program is strong and is living the tools of the program in their lives. This person is someone who has worked the Steps with a sponsor, has time to walk with you and guide you thru the program. Working the Steps and learning how to apply the slogans in our lives is also part of sharing with a sponsor.
Listening to someone share at meetings helped me to select my sponsor. It is important that both the sponsor and sponsee are able to be honest with each other. If she sees something that you are doing that is destructive, it is helpful for her to point it out because she is your guide. If you feel upset over her statements or her view, it is equally important for you to express that.
I found that I truly learned how to have an equal relationship with honesty,and openness when I selected a sponsor and learned to speak my truth, draw boundries, listen and learn and to trust the relationship.
Talk to her, and reason it out. Look for others at meetings who are working a strong program.
You are right we are all on a road to recovery and none of us have arrived. Together, using alanon tools we can support each other in a constructive manner, learn and grow.
Good Luck.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 10th of September 2011 10:30:18 PM
Sponsorship for me has been if I am not getting what I need, the support, encouragement, patience, and understanding, I must go somewhere else.
I think there is a reason why we have tradition 8 which for me means that we are all equals in the journey of recovery. Regardless if a person has a degree in psychology, their ESH doesnt bear greater weight than those of us who have different professions. At least in my homegroup I think that is why we leave our professional hats at the door.
I would stick to your internal voice that guides you on this one. If you feel you are not getting what you need, then perhaps it is time to change. Sponsors are like clothes. If they don't suit you, change them.
I definitely struggled with the issue of sponsorship. I think I had unrealistic expectations of people. I also think that sometimes we have to have more than one or two people to help us. Personally at critical times in my life I've had a therapist. In fact I'd be in therapy right now if I could afford it. Right now as I have so many medical issues I can't even afford a low fee clinic.
Some people get one sponsor and remain with them for life. Other people have a series of sponsors. Whatever you do respect is so important especially in a fellowship where many of us don't have that many choices about meetings.
One of my friends once put together a "team" for herself, a spiritual advisor (some ministers will do this), a therapist, a sponsor, a lot of recovery friends and then she didn't feel like her abandonment issues were so triggered.
