my change in attitude - Al-Anon Family Group

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

my change in attitude

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It scares you to be powerless. This is where the 3rd step comes in and you leave it in the hands of your HP.

Also, you may have accepted it for now, but life is fluid, people and situations are ever changing.

It could help you to change to "I accept I am powerless over your drug use today." Keep it where it's really at. You accept your powerlessness...not his use. You also accept it today....not necessarily forever.

Being accepting of his addiction forever is too much to think about. It is the same reason they tell us in AA not to focus beyond today. I am overwhelmed when I think of "never" drinking again....Hence, a day at a time.

Mark

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks pink

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda, Hugs,

I accept the fact my AH is an addict. It doesn't mean I like the fact he has to drink or that I condone the fact he drinks. I have accepted the fact that this is a part of who he is, that being said, I have my own boundaries. He is fully aware I only have 1 DUI to give him as far as being able to process the financial, emotional (i'm referring to respect and trust issues), and the mental drain. I haven't given him any kind of ultimatum that if he drinks we are done. He has seen through the consequences he is living that this is not working for him. I'm not the one telling him that, he's now hearing it from other people, he's now the one having to take responsibility for his consequences. All I can do is love him, stay on my side of the street and allow his HP to work on my AH. What has happened is in our home things are so much nicer. I'm calmer, the kids are calmer. We laugh soooo much more and have more fun instead of me obsessing about if I do this then, what if, blah blah blah. I have more energy for myself and for the family as a whole.

Now I still have some things to deal with because I'm in a position of if he drinks he goes to jail. He doesn't have all of the freedom or choices your AH has to do this or not. He will always be an alcoholic even if he never takes another drink it will always be there, I have no power over his addiction.

Hugs P :)

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Linda, I have been following your posts as you and I seem to be in somewhat the same boat.

Here's my .02: you don't accept his use, you accept that he is powerless over it and you are powerless over him. That is how I have been trying to frame it for myself. What you don't accept is unacceptable behavior towards you. For me, it is my AH being disrespectful to me and verbally hateful. The alcohol/drugs are not the lynch pin for our relationship, it is his treatment of me. He is still not perfect, but it is better since I started working the program.

My part in this is that I have to ask myself daily: can I live with his disease, can I live with him using? There is no one stop answer. For today I can live with it (because his treatment of me is improving) but I have to remind myself constantly that he can relapse at any time, he will never be 'fixed'. That is the hardest part for me, he will never be 'normal' (whatever that is), he will never be like other men who don't have his issues (although I realize those men simply have different issues). I used to say to my AH "we are in this together and I will never leave you", I don't say it anymore because it isn't true anymore. Somehow I think he feels the shift in me, perhaps it is producing better behavior from him, or perhaps it isn't, but it isn't about him - it's about me. I send you love and support, you are doing great in my estimation.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, when I accept the things I cannot change, and work on the the things I can change about me, I feel better. When I dwell on the fact that the person I love is an addict, I don't feel good. So I accept and love where he is right now. I don't accept the using or drinking, but I accept him. I now concentrate on me and working on me. Meetings help so much. ACOA is a great meeting as well as Alanon. When I go to the meetings, I get the help and support that I need. My qualifier is beginning to feel the affects of me not concentrating on him anymore. I can see that in little ways, as I put the focus more and more on my healing. It does work when we work it :) You are doing great, wonderful awareness and work :) HUGS!

Ruby · Veteran Member

Hi, Linda! I can see improvement in you, you are doing great, the hardest part for me is keeping the focus on me......With love ...Ruby!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree. You don't accept it in that you don't think it's acceptable. What you're accepting is that you can't Control it or Cure it. But I do, personally, think it's important to be clear to ourselves on the fact that we don't think that practicing an addiction is a sane way to live. We don't accept it in that sense. It's insanity. But we accept that it's his insanity and that we can have no control over it.

Addicts won't understand any of this -- if they were thinking straight, they wouldn't be addicts.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Guys you are amazing
thankyou so much

Once I read this stuff I was nodding my head like I was a doll on the back of the car

Thankyou for reminding me.

"You don't accept his use, you accept that he is powerless over it and you are powerless over him"

I was stunned at my reaction of anger (fear)when he said I had accepted him smoking. I could even feel my breath stop short in my chest.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first started detaching the ex A was relieved I had stopped arguing. If anything I was even more resolute that I did not "accept" his using. I was using a tool to preserve myself.

I certainly don't "accept" my roommates using and drinking and partying 24/7. They are well aware of that. What I don't do is to argue with them about it or about the mess they and their partying friends leave all over the place.

I think the issue for me as always about people pleasing. I wanted the addict to approve of my recovery. Of course they were not actually that invested in my recovery because they weren't invested in their own.

There were and are many many layers to my people pleasing. I would do anything but anything not to feel abandoned. In those actions I actually "abandoned" myself.

I first read some books on People pleasing about 10 years ago. I was absolutely struck by how much of an issue it was for me. Getting to the point where the person I want to please is myself has taken me a long long time.

Maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda you know I read your fb site, and looked at all the pictures.

To me it looks very apparent that he loves you. He does things for you, you two seem to have shared some cool things in a short time. Your remodel is wonderful!

I guess I want to ask,not meaning you have to tell me, what is it about him smoking pot bothers you?

illegal?

He is unattractive like that? You feel ignored?

Could it be what happened in the past has made you so afraid this will go the same way?

He is going to smoke and drink and whatever, or not. It's totally up to him.I invite you to look at YOUR feelings about it.

For me I hated the person my AH turned into. It made me lose respect for him as he acted so awful. After awhile I hated to be around him. His behavior from the disease was horribly sad. Going from a self assured musician, contractor, who walked with pride to this loser swaying around making no sense and was obnoxious.

If your husband was not using what do you believe would be different?

For me it is more you have accepted it's his business and not yours, and you cannot control it anyway. You are tired of hitting your head into a wall.

I see such good progress in you.

An addict is sick. It's a disease. Part of my letting go was compassion. I honestly loved him, could look past his using,or I would leave the room or whatever. Not blaming him, blame the disease.

hugs Linda! debilyn

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Debilyn

I love that you are part of my facebook friends, I feel it gives you a more rounded opinion. I love seeing yourhome and your animals also.

I have been asked to answer those questions before and i have done so. It is the answers to those questions that brought me to making the conclusion that I can stay with him and work on me because most of the issue is me and my baggage. That is not to obsolve him of his responsibility to respect me and my feelings.

Illegal - doesn't bother me.

Unattractive - yep he certainly is. I hate that stoner look, mainly because it makes me feel sad that he is doing it again.

Ignored - A little. Now I feel that my feelings and the big picture is being ignored more than the 'not talking' kind of ignore.

My main reason for hating it so much is his attitude toward it and me. He was a major pot head when I met him. He quit. Then I moved in with him and I told him, if it becomes part of my life, I will not do that. The promises were made, I believed him etc etc. The rest is history.

I tried every possible way to alert him, I was waving red flags everywhere. I even hit him over the head with a red flag. Hey mate.. look whats happening here!!!!

He has now totally relapsed and tells me that he will be a smoker forever. He wants to be a smoker again,he likes it.

It is the grief I feel for those lost promises. The realisation that my past has yet again influenced my present. My opinion, my requests, my feelings toward it are not as important as his drive to use it.

Its not the way he treats me when he is stoned, its the way I feel he disrespects my feelings.

I have learned here to not take it personally, that was a big one for me. He is not smoking agian because he doesn't love me. he loves me big time. My love can't stop him, the guilt he feels can't stop him. His love for me can't stop him, but I do think it slows him down. He is scared to lose me at this stage and he knows its on the table.

Those are the reasons I believe he is addcited to pot, plus his history of addiction to pot. it is and always will be his first love. The women that followed are secondary.

You asked what would happen if he stopped smoking - well that is where it becomes my issue of control and abandonment. I fully am aware that I would find something else to pick on. When I reflect back to when he was abstinent, or smoking occassionally, i found other things to obsess about.

That is why i am working on me.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.