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I had a good couple weeks with my AH.I allowed him to do his thing,with no nagging,while I tried to take care of me.We were enjoying each others company alot.....till today.
I had to go to the city to take care of some errands and he stayed at home.When I was at the cash paying for some items I heard my cell ringing and when I anwered it was him.He was angry because he had called me 4 times and I didn't answer.Then he hung up on me.I tried to call him back later but he,ofcourse wouldn't answer.I hung around my mom's most of the day,dreading coming home.
When I finally made it home I brought supper for us and things seemed calm but cold.I was grateful for that.hen when he was leaving for work he said "I won't bother alling you since you don't answer,and that works both ways"
This nasty attitude lately actually makes me dread him being sober!! Am I the only person dealing with this? Is this part of the disease or some other personality issue??
What I have witnessed with the issue of crabbing about things, usually it's my AH looking for an "excuse" to drink. Something I have also noticed is that as controlling as I think I have been the shoe fits on both feet that way. HE is just as controlling as I am, he's just a lot more covert about it.
The best thing I do for myself is just detach from my AH and allow him to do his thing and not take on his stuff. His bad day or mood swings do not define how I am going to spend the rest of my day. If he wants to have a tantrum then he's more than welcome to it. It's not my issue it's totally his. I will say the serenity prayer and then flip around think about the 3 C's. Whatever is going on it has everything to do with him with his relationship to alcohol and nothing to really do with me.
Hugs P :)
It does get easier please keep coming back :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I kept hoping for a heart to heart conversation with my A about this issue - HE is allowed to choose to answer or not, ignore calls, leave his phone in his truck/home, etc. But no one else is allowed the same priviledge. It wasn't just me, though I was probably the only one accused of avoiding him and being with boyfriend, he would accuse his buddies of blowing him off if he couldn't get directly through to whomever he wanted RIGHT NOW!
Hoping but it never came. I would have liked to bring him to a place where he could understand that I'm not a person who likes being tied to a phone; sometimes I just don't want to talk, sometimes I am driving or working, sometimes (a lot of times) I turn my phone down and forget to turn it up again (the phone is not my most important possession) sometimes I am trying to get the last few things on my list done so I can get on the way home because every errand our marriage required somehow fell to me to perform..... (but that's another topic eh?).
Even now, divorced, he accuses me of not answering when he calls, but we're divorced, I don't HAVE to jump to his will anymore and, he isn't able to understand that answering his calls is not high on my list of priorities - actually I dread seeing that he called because my first instinct is to wonder "what hogwash is he going to lay on me now?"
When he says "I won't bother calling since you don't answer, that works both ways you know" it is a way of trying to punish & manipulate you into feeling bad that you didn't answer - even though you didn't do anything wrong!
A JADE approach works well in dealing with the non-AA members of society as well.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
One of my fav sayings is Stark Raving Sober -- use your program , dont argue or take the attitude personally your closest to him so of course your the problem .. sobriety is not easy for either of you , he is trying to live life on lifes terms stone cold sober - his body is screaming for alcohol so patience is a must but remember to not allow yourself to be abused in the name of his recovery unexceptable behavior is just that unexceptable . You dont mention if he is going to meetings or if he has support from people who understand whats going on with him , if he is doing this alone he is in alot of pain .. If your not going to meetings for yourself please find one quick you too need support from people who understand. Louise
No Mrs. H you aren't the only one dealing with this. Whether it's part of the disease or a personality disorder I don't know but I do know that reading these posts is teaching me that my H isn't the only one who acts more like a selfish teenager than a grown man. He holds everyone except himself to impossibly high standards and blames everyone around him for his own behavior, projecting his own defects onto everyone else. Everything that's ever gone wrong since he was born is someone's else's fault.
As I move forward in my own recovery I like my H less and less. When I was insane too, we had dramatic fights. Now I observe his immature, irrational, unreasonable behavior and don't engage. I don't know whether he's using or not. He's as much of an ass if he isn't so it doesn't really matter.
I haven't reached that mystical spiritual awakening we all strive for. I'm sad recognizing that the dream of a life shared with a true companion is dead. My H isn't my friend, and can't be. He cares about one person in this world and that is himself. Everyone else exists to serve a purpose for him. We can go through the daily motions and talk about the weather, and how was your day, and someone's coming to pave the driveway. I listen to him talk about his work, or his hobbies or his health or whatever interests him for as long as he wants or needs to talk but if I have anything on my mind forget about it. Unless it's an affirmation of him he interrupts or is suddenly tired, or needs to smoke his cigar, or is hungry. Anything but be a friend. So I quit bothering. He's a good provider and takes great care of our property and so for that I'm grateful. I have true loving lifelong girlfriends who I count on too so for now I need to count my blessings.
As we say, one day at a time and easy does it. Thank you Mrs. H for posting and listening.
No you aren't alone. My AH is the exact same way. In my case I think there is an underlying mental problem - be it depression, or PTSD or bipolar disorder... But if he doesn't want to fix it then there is nothing we can do. They would rather drink to make themselves feel better rather than deal with the real issues. I've called my H a 'raging alcoholic' because recently his demeanor is the same whether drunk or sober. Sometimes I think he acts this way because he wants me to make the decision to leave the marriage then he doesn't have to feel bad. But no you aren't alone.
Thanks everyone for posting and making ME feel less crazy.Ilikemyheart,you and I seem to be living in the same place LOL!! Everything in your post reminded me of myself and how my AH is.ALL the errands and anything to do with the house falls on me...always.He says that he goes out to work and that the house is my job!Don't get me wrong I loe my home and my pets and do it all,just sometimes the "get me this,get me that" thing gets a little old.
This morning nothing is better he is being cold,distant and is sort of giving me the silent treatment.I do believe the silent treatment was created by idiots for idiots.I watched my Father do this to my Mother as a kid and it infuriated me.
I spoke with a good friend of mine last night and she was very understanding.She told me that if I needed to get away or want to leave she and her husband would be here to help me 100%.I just don't want to make any rash decisions but when is enough,enough.
I think the behavior is learned and ingrained in them - I estimate my A's drinking problem began in his early 20's, if not teens, which means manipulative behavior began way back then. (His father was also the same way, so that adds to him learning it early as normal behavior). He's 46 now, that is a LONG time to practice and until its worked on either through the "fearless moral inventory" or counseling of some sort where he becomes enlightened to the problems with behaving this way, he will be always unaware that there is anything wrong.
THE greatest benefit I have received from communication with other al-anoners is hearing them describe the behavior their A does and being able to see that it is a pattern not unique to just me. When I read/hear of things like this it is easier to see how off it really is.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Wow the similarities are uncanny!!! My AH started drinking in his early 20's(he is 50 now) and his father was a raging alcoholic,with all of the physical rage being taken out on him.He treated his mother badly or just came home and ignored them all.
He always tells me that he never had a good example of how to be a good husband but even though I understand that,to me it feels like he acknowledges and then uses it as an excuse for treating my shoddy.
Thank you for posting! Many people here have helped me with the same issue - so I wanted to just let you know that you not alone at all. Your story could be mine exactly at times.
Lasthope,
I can relate: "I'm sad recognizing that the dream of a life shared with a true companion is dead. My H isn't my friend, and can't be. He cares about one person in this world and that is himself. Everyone else exists to serve a purpose for him."
That was also helpful for me to hear someone reiterate my own feelings, and sound like you are ok. I hope you post more about your experience on the board. My AH has his moments, sometimes several at once, where he behaves in a way that allows us to "relate" and be in a relationship. I am hoping that these moments can become more expansive. If not, I'll remember that I've been there, that you have been there too, and that it must mean we have choices. Detachment is becoming even more key for me. Otherwise I am blinded by anger, and sadness.
Strangely, my AH had quite a functional family life - he went through trouble at school, with authorities he trusted. He began drinking, among other behaviors, at age 13. That makes sense to me, but also feels confusing with respect to my ACOA life. His family's stability, I believe, actually enabled him many times - which may be why it took 30 years for him to accept that he is an A. So, I suppose that means all family's have issues, and no one has power over alcoholism!
Blessings.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Mrs. H - I have heard the term "Dry Drunk" applied here. At this point, all they have done is stop drinking, which many will argue is the easy part. You can Google "dry drunk" and come up with loads of information. I have experienced it, too. I will admit, it has been getting better......
Keep working your program, because you are worth it. Don't take it personally, because it isn't!
For me, I can get cranky and passive agressive just like you describe your A being. I like what Abbyal said and I think her words are gems here. Keep coming, keep reading the literature, find alanon meetings for you and work on you. Detaching with love and working the steps with a sponsor are ways to help you feel better and make good, sound decisions :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thank you all so very much for sharing.With your support and my HP I was able to just ignore the silent treatment and cold shoulder I was given all morning long and go about my day as usual. Well as we all know it's no fun to keep that game up if no one is playing along LOL!! So now things are slowly going back to normal and I kept me sanity!!!
So glad you got through the day! Isn't it wonderful when we can keep our heads on straight when the craziness around us is going on! I am pretty new to this board but can relate so much to this particular string right now and am so glad you posted it. I have realized each time I find myself getting worked about my husband or anyone else for that matter I am slipping in my own recovery. Thank goodness for the wonderful advice on here because some days are so much harder than others!
Thanks Kael.I am pretty new here too although I was lurking for a little while lol!!! This was my first real test at not allowing his nasty mood affect my day and I never could have gotten thru it without the positive encouragement of everyone who took the time to share.After surviving today I feel like these tools were always here at my finger tips....seriously how annoying is it when you are TRYING to ruin someones day and they are continuing about there normal day and even whistling :P
I just read all the posts under your topic. what you describe is what i have known for the past 20 years, husband started drinking and smoking pot at 15 he is 52 now. his dad was an alcoholic too. The silent treatements, the selfishness, the "you never listen to me" you name it behaviors are so familiar to me. It takes a lot of personal work and al-anon tools to not react, to let all that go and try not to interfere with ones serenity. in my mind whats important is to work the program and remind myself i didnt cause it i cant control it and i cant cure it.
My future ex husband is to move out tomorrow, all the legal papers are finalized and i say the serenity prayer daily as many times as i need to get me through this. I made the decision to separate, but i know i will keep attending face 2 face meetings, work my steps because even when a alcoholic spouse is not in the picture anymore i have been so affected by it that i need to get out of the rut. (I think it was Jerry's line)
Mrs H, all the best to you, there is a lot of ESH here and its a wonderful place to be.
It's so amazing to me that others have a similar story!! I'm very new to all this and always thought I was very alone in this struggle.Things are good this morning,he's speaking,civily to me which is nice....God forbid he ruin HIS day off.As you say Crazy Frog very selfish!!
