The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's "Courage to Change" addressed priorities, and daily focus. I find it interesting that I was thinking about this very thing this morning. I want to be able to function, perhaps someday be happy in my own life.
I had another appmt with employee services. The counselor there has helped me in terms of hearing my concerns, and offering guidance as well as some perspective on reality. This included talking about what my fears are surrounding my daughter, regarding my AH's behavior if I were to leave him. She was concerned last time, when I admitted that at least 50% of why I might be staying in the relationship is because I fear what he would try to do with my daughter. After stating the facts and my fears, I could see that things didn't match up. I am grateful for her help. I don't like that my focus and energy is consumed with someone else's disease, which feeds into my own issues. I want to reclaim my own personal power in my life - which is what we have stated as a goal.
Last weekend I also began seeing a private counselor, who has a very great deal of background in addiction, 12 steps, ACOA, and grief. She is in the same practice as the marriage counselor, which could be helpful. I really felt comfortable talking with her. She, too, seems to hear my concerns and understand my issues. We also worked on goals, surrounding my own step work, ACOA issues, and understanding and making decisions about being with an abusive AH (which hopefully will get better through marriage counseling as well). I am concerned that my AH has ditched "aftercare" and is not going to meetings, but he isn't drinking and I don't find myself fearing that he will.
As for our marriage counseling appmt, it went just fine. I think because we were both in good moods. Strangely, though, I am beginning to think that she doesn't really have a solid background in addiction, just a lot in marriage counseling. I was led to believe that she did. I have noticed that she seems to miss some things, and not challenge my husband where it seems like it would make sense (e.g. his obsessive thinking or behaviors projected onto me). She places a good deal of value on his feelings, and gives him more time to speak his mind. When it comes to me, my thoughts/feelings don't seem to carry the same weight. It also bothers me that she doesn't look me in the eye (I don't mean to be picky). She also said to me when I described my feelings/thoughts in a situation: "well, I don't mean to say it like this, but that's because you're an adult child of an alcoholic." I did understand what she meant, and I think it's true, but she disregarded my feelings about it and the fact that my husband's behavior had affected me in that situation. Just not sure what to do with this.
Thanks.
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
My son was telling me there's a difference when seeing a marriage counselor and a individual counselor.
Although they may have the same qualifications sometimes they don't. The individual counselor is more likely to be a physcologist and focus more on behavior modification. The marriage counselor is more likely to focus on being a mediator - helping couples to communicate.
I saw a physcologist for awhile and found it helpful.
It sounds like you are moving in the right direction with your own healing and that's exactly where your focus needs to be on you. He's either going to drink or not. What are YOU going to do? Those answers for you will come as you continue to heal because the veil of confusion will lift.
I know when my AH and I saw our counselor I will tell you she was very versed in addiction, because (not saying you are however I know I was .. lol) caught in my own crazy behavior I found that my AH would not say anything and she would make statements that had to do with me getting my own head on straight. Well, he would then take what she said and flip it on me to mean what HE wanted it to mean. Our counselor was unaware that he was playing this game, until one day she heard it come out of him and she did stop him. The only time she addressed his drinking was when it had to do with his health. The message she was trying to send to me was that of what alanon says which is his recovery is none of my business. Back to what I said originally (thank you Tom!!) at the beginning of this post. You work on you and the rest is going to work out one way or another.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Just remember the counsellor is not a mind reader either. She/He can only go on what stated goals you have mentioned in the sessions We ACoA's are very sensitive to subtle inuendo and body language etc, but that doesn't mean we always get it right. Sometimes, I know for me, I am looking to another person to work out what they are thinking and how they are feeling etc... but I know no matter what I see, I think it is based on me, it is me that made that person think or feel that.
This is a bit of ESH that is probably waaaaay off on left field but it lets me remember how I think everything is about me. When my daughter died, she was a premature baby, the nurse did not look at me, she did not engage with me, she was very abrupt with me and never once did I feel any empathy from her. She never even spoke to me, the mother of this child she was trying to save... I was deeply hurt and I believe I called her a bad name starting with B. She did not respond to this. My baby died and I wouldn't even look at her Later.... a few days later.. I was talking to my Mum about this awful Nurse.. how she hated me. Ithought she was judging me for my life decisions (Iwas 18, unmarried, smoked and drank all that stuff.. basically very low self worth). My Mum told me the Nurse pulled her aside and expalined to my Mum the following... "Please apologise to your Daughter when the time is right, I can't talk to her, I can't allow myslef to feel in this situation, I have to stay detached. This is one of the saddest babies I have looked after and I can see the love in your family. If I talk to her, I will just cry and then not be able to do my job of trying to save her baby. I hope she understands one day" I understood immediately. It was not about me at all, she didn't hate me, she had so much compassion and empathy that to show it, would have interfered with her job.
My baby died, but I know she had the most dedicated care, even when it didn't feel like it at the time
I don't know if any of that means anything to you... but it just shows how much I took other peoples reactions to be negative toward me.... I didn't open my mind and i wish I had. It was a hard enough time as it was.... I just made it harder by taking everything so personally and making everything about ME
Linda - thank you for sharing such a personal and meaningful ESH story. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been, honestly. And it is a perfect example of why not to take things personally or make assumptions! The fact that you are able to take with you those kinds of lessons, out of what must have been such a painful experience is a testament to your strength.
Several things have run through my mind regarding the counselor (as I stated), but ultimately I'm trying to put them away, keep my mouth shut, and just do the counseling. Really, even if what I am feeling from her is true, trying to make that point is pointless right now. I also cannot control my husband's manipulations in the sessions, which was my bigger concern. If he puts on a smile and uses "conference approved thoughts and language," but is just doing so for control, well, I'm guessing we won't work out in the end. Oh well, too bad. I'm trying to let as much as I can roll off my shoulders. If I can get better, and we split up, at least I'll have a shot at moving on and living my life.
It's hard when I'm asked to "be myself," speak my mind and heart, and discuss the parts of my husband's behavior that impact me/our marriage, yet am supposed to "stay out of his program." I rarely actually poke my nose into his program - I don't ask, judge, or even much consider - I pretty much have only noted that he isn't going to meetings, but don't let it affect my attitude or thoughts beyond this. If it does bother me, I post here. He uses the "stay out" boundary when he doesn't want me to make a point or address something important - again, feels like control. Again, not much I can do. I may never feel I can speak up or be honest with him in the room. SO, I'll leave it to my private counselor, and the employee assistance counselor.
As of yesterday I have the big Red book for ACAs! Anyone have suggestions for what to begin with? Perhaps just the beginning :). Thanks again!
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I have started at page one and just consistently read it.
I will read it, then go back through it and do more work with it. I also got the workbook
As far as being strong is concerned with my ESH... I am not so sure... isn't it part of our issue that we look at other people when we should be concerned about ourselves. Why on earth was the attitude of a Nurse of any concern to me while my baby was on life support... surely there were other 'feelings' that I should have been concerned with???? I would guess most other people probably wouldn't have even noticed the nurse was there.
I took the focus off myself and my baby and partner, and put the focus on a Nurse that I thought was being 'nasty' to me. I'm not sure that is healthy or strong.
My point is ... you go to counselling to get what you need out of it... for you.. the journey is yours, the counsellor is just providing the bus to travel in.
