The material presented
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level.
i just feel horrible. i'm so angry at my ah that i find myself yelling at my kids...and they start school tomorrow! i don't want them to feel more anxious than they already may be feeling. they're so little...5 and 7. i feel so guilty. but sometimes i'm just screaming inside my head with the feeling that i must be going crazy. i was reading another post about 'the problem being me' and it really hit home. i have such unrealistic expectations of him. but then i think, "are they really unrealistic?" am i not entitled to expect my husband to be who he promises to be? i can't believe that i lose my patience so easily. this isn't me.
Don't beat yourself up winnie. The disease can make us all crazy. Take a deep breath. Your alcoholic promises one thing and the disease dictates another. I have fought the disease, lost my temper at the disease, wanted to throw the remote through the T.V. at the disease, and yes, I have taken the disease out on other people who least deserved it because of the disease......none of that worked......the disease always won because I am powerless and it made my life unmanageable.
Accepting my alcoholic is going to do what she is going to do inspite of my wishes and desires made me realize the problem was me. Accepting the three C's, I didn't cause, I can't cure, I can't control this disease. Easy to say hard to do. Not reacting helped me to put my mind in gear before I put my mouth in motion. Detaching, walking away, saying the Serenity Prayer over and over, and using all the tools the program gave me over time made my life better. So the problem was me. I had to change to protect me from me, the only person I have any control over.
Winnie the good thing about this program.....we can start over everyday or for that matter every hour.
I hope you find a f2f meeting in your area where you will meet others who will share with you what worked for them. It's a cunning, baffling, powerful disease and we need all the help and support available. Keep coming back.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 5th of September 2011 09:07:48 PM
In my recovery, I discovered that my anger was not only misplaced (because I was not angry with my kid in any event), it wasn't even truly anger. I wasn't angry - I was scared. I was scared because things were out of my control. It came out as anger because anger made me feel more powerful. Fear just makes me feel small and scared. And my complete loss of control and ranting and raving like a crazy person WAS scary - even to me.
I hope you will look into Alanon meetings for yourself. Most of us have been where you're at, and the understanding you will get from others in Alanon will be invaluable. Until I began going to meetings, I couldn't even explain what I felt, much less explain it in a way where I could expect anyone to understand. When I opened my mouth, the only things that came out were about what my husband was doing. In time, I came to realize that I was a separate person with my own feelings, and my feelings were valid and deserved to be recognized. As do yours.
I can really relate to your post. the say alcoholism is a family disease and this is how it affects others who are around the drinker. We become crazy the home environment because crazy.. However al anon is our protection from this disease spreading. I have experienced guilt about how the disease has made me act and how my children have been affected. My sponsor told me that I started makinf amends to my children the day I walked into al anon and started working the programme. Like everyone else stated the best suggestion I have is attending al anon meetings and coming on here if you stick at it things will improve.
I can totally relate to the anger. I had the same feelings myself in regards to my spouse and their drinking. My frustration and anger did come out sideways usually targeted to those that are the most innocent, my little ones. I saw myself becoming someone I did not like, a reflection of my mother who also used anger as a weapon for control and a mask for fear. I decided I wanted more for my kids than I ever wanted for myself, a better mom.
I had the thoughts in my head "if they would just do ....xyz...then we would be o.k." What I have found by working the steps in Alanon with a sponsor is that if they chose to drink or not, I have found a peace and serenity that surpasses all understanding. I did not want to have children frightened of me as I was my mother. I wanted to know why the only emotion that I was able to feel and express was anger, and why I was reacting all the time because I did not like the person that I had become. My sponsor was a tremendous support in discovering those answers that were so deeply locked inside me.
Anger does more damage to the vessle in which it is stored than anything for which it is poured. Today anger is a sign post for me because when I feel I want to turn to it and use it as a weapon, I recognize there is a deeper issue involved. I go back throught the steps because I want to maintain that sense of peace, hope, and trust that I have found in the Alanon program.
Reading your post reminded me of when I was married and one day I thought wow, this guy just brings the worst out in me. I had expecations as well and my ex H wasnt an alcholic, not that I find alcholism an excuse, it is merely an explanation but the bottom line was the same. I was becoming someone I couldnt stand, the relationship was bringing the worst out in me.
I fully understand, and honestly those feelings are exactly what brought me to alanon. I just hated who I was becoming and who I felt like I was at that time. My kids are a little older 7 and 12. I just knew I wasn't who I was capable of being and even close to the legacy I want to leave behind for my family. I hope you will consider finding a face to face meeting in your area. The meetings make such a difference and the isolation I had imposed upon myself was crushing on it's own. The meetings made me realize that I wasn't alone and almost 9 months into the program I am seeing changes in myself that make all of the work so worth it. When I stopped focusing on what my AH was or wasn't doing the things in my life started to fully come into focus in my life. Every day I can see the blessings in my life. This weekend my AH worked and I wound up having a total of 5 kids running in and out of my house. A year ago I would have been a basket case beyond that .. here I'm ready to do it again next weekend. Believe me no one would have thought I could have fun in this way. My children though .. wow .. what changes I've seen in them. I started for them and have wound up having just amazing payoff for myself.
Hugs P :)
please keep coming back it does get better and you are so worth the work!! :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Winnie, I can relate as a Mom being mad at my exAH and yelling at my innocent children because of it. After many Al-anon face to face meetings and finding my sponsor I am getting much healthier in handling my feelings and at being dettached enough not to take it personally. I hope you find your way to meetings and a sponsor. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
oh boy this rang a bell with me today , please if your not already attending meetings find one you need support .. and the hollering at your kids I understand that , I did the same thing . I only stayed in this prog because they told me that I could repair the damage I had done to my sons by my attitude and I did- I stopped hollering and started listening to the kids , we started to laugh more and started again doing more things together and not always focused on the mood ( daddy was in ) our kids deserve one sane parent and that has to be us we owe it to them and ourselves . No one does this perfectly so dont be too hard on yourself . Louise
All I can do is empathize on this one. It cannot be easy to be the only responsible parent. Yes, it would be ideal if you never displaced anger and frustration from your AH to your kids. On the other hand, you are human and there is only so much a person can take before they will break and have outbursts.
Here's to you finding more balance and serenity through alanon!
i just feel horrible. i'm so angry at my ah that i find myself yelling at my kids...and they start school tomorrow! i don't want them to feel more anxious than they already may be feeling. they're so little...5 and 7. i feel so guilty. but sometimes i'm just screaming inside my head with the feeling that i must be going crazy. i was reading another post about 'the problem being me' and it really hit home. i have such unrealistic expectations of him. but then i think, "are they really unrealistic?" am i not entitled to expect my husband to be who he promises to be? i can't believe that i lose my patience so easily. this isn't me. 
