Hi guys

I can't help but get my hopes up at the moment and enjoying the current 'good' feeling and I am tempering it with the reality of 'this too shall pass'.

Yesterday, my husband went fishing with his mate who also smokes pot. 

I detached for the day.  I didnt test in the hope that when he gets reception he will hear from me adn then be reminded I am around while he is out having fun... I didn't question him a billion times about all sorts of stuff the minute he got home.... I didn't ask what he smoked how much he smoked etc...

I did what I wanted to do... and it was fun.  He was pretty smashed but I just talked to him and involved myself as much as I wanted to, and pulled back when I didn't.  I was pretty proud of myself.

I will say... it was very hard to do.  during the day I handed it all over about a billion times.  when he got home I refused to allow myself to be annoyed.  It was hard but worthwhile.

It was a good day and a nice night for us both.

The anxiety of it must have gotten to me becasue this morning when he was at his first job, I looked in his pot drawer. 

I wanted to know if he had any more pot and got some from his friend.... I wanted to know how much was left so i can tell if we/he is going to start the wheeling and dealing phone calls... it felt wrong to do it.

Having said that.  I felt such massive relief when I looked and there was next to nothing left and he had not purchased or obtained more.  It felt like I had been holding my breath and I finally let it out.  Again, it felt wrong that I looked to ascertain that.

I decided I have just lied to my husband, and I should apologise for that and take responsibility for myself.  He came home from work and I sat down and told him all about my feelings yesterday, why I refused myself to ask more questions (it turns out his mate didn't have any pot at all and didn't drink, myhusband drank and smoked heaps of pot himself!!! turn of the tables to a year ago).  I told him I checked up on him and i apologised for doing that.  for not giving him his space.  I promised him I wouldnt' and I did and it was wrong of me.  I also told him how happy and relieved I felt when I saw what was left. 

He offered the information to me that he had not arranged to buy any more.  He has only a few pipes left of this stuff (lots of the herbal passionflower that he thinks is different).  I said to him that it was his choice what he wanted to do, but I have told him my current feelings about what is going on at this point in time.  what he decides to buy or not buy is his life.

I cried.  It was tears of relief.  He cried a little too and held me.

I know things may very well change and I need to be ready for that by learning more from you guys.  He may buy more today.... he may not.  He siad he hadn't made any plans, doesn't mean he won't make plans.. two months ago I would have taken all of that to mean that he is not buying any more and my rigid thinking would have held him to it.. a promise he didn't actually make, but my mind would ahve made it for him.. does that make sense?

I feel I detached with love and allowed him to discover for himself that his smoking has become worse.  I ahve been here for about 2 months I think.  No matter what happens, I know I will be ok in my marriage, or if it gets worse and I leave the marriage.  I will be ok.

There is no way I would be feeling this calm right now if it weren't for what I have learned here, and knowing there is so much more to learn.  I know I would be vomiting wit the stress of waiting to see what will happen.  In the last few days all the catastrophising I have done in my head, has not come to pass.  I feel that when I catastrophised, I handed more over to my HP (the universal powers), and she took care of things for me a bit. .... thanks lady...

I know I am getting my hopes up abit, but I know either way, I won't be giving up on this stuff.

Thanks