hmmm.. you have to do what you feel is right for you.
I know that is very vague and a frustrating answer.
Let me put it this way...
I gave an ex of mine an ultimatium once... I told him "that is the second last time you hit me, because the next time will be the last and I am out of here". he never hit me again, so I felt he had lived up to his end of the bargain. So i stayed longer than I should have. the abuse just changed. I got all kinds of new abuse thrown at me. he never hit me again.

Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of me leaving that man.. I stayed an extra few years after that ultimatum in a different kind of hell

Not sure if that helps you as your situation may be very different, but it my experience.

Take what you like and leave the rest

In my experience, ultimatums don't work long term. If someone changes their behavior because someone else threatens a consequence and not because they want to change, it will only be a matter of time before things go right back the way they were.

I'm experienced in this subject because I gave my exAH lots of "final" ultimatums. So many that he didn't believe me anymore that I'd follow through with a consequence - because all I'd ever done was give him empty threats about what I was going to do if he did ____. Usually, in my case, I'd say that I was gonna file for divorce if he drank again. But the next day when he drank again, of course nothing changed. I just got mad the way I always got mad, picked a fight the way I always picked a fight, and things went round and round some more.

When I decided I was ready to get off the ride, I didn't give an ultimatum. I decided I was finished regardless of what he was doing. (And then I didn't have the courage to actually make a change myself so I became the biggest butt munch in the world and got him to leave me instead - so I didn't have to be the bad guy but I got what I wanted. This is a different story). Point is, ultimatums are attempts to control other people's behavior. We learn in Alanon that this is just not possible. We wouldn't be here if it were - because we would have found a way to get our alcoholic qualifiers to stop drinking. Nothing we ever tried to get them to stop worked...including ultimatums.

I don't want to discourage you, and I have no opinion on stay or go. I believe that this answer is different for everyone, and the only the person making the decision knows what is right. I'm just saying that in my experience, ultimatums will not work, and will lead only to more frustration.

 

 

Aloha rara...just for me after I learned to keep and open mind and accept a power greater than myself and then learned and practice turning my will and my life along with my alcoholic/addict and everyone else in my life over to that HP I came to understand that there is not "final" ultimatum.  After I did the above I learned that my HP had and was giving me grace and margin every day in my life and walked every step with me with our without my participation and then was always there for me.  The only ultimatum I got from my HP and the program was that I would continue to have the very same consequences I had already received if I kept doing the same thing I always did and I have had to ultimatum many more times than once.  Setting ultimatums with an alcoholic or alcoholic/addict is like the definition of an expectation..."future resentment".  The world doesn't revolved around me especially if I'm letting the alcoholic/addict spin it.

Keep coming back.   ((((hugs))))

I have listened to suggestions from RAs, who are very solution-oriented and have come away with some amazingly valuable tools to help strengthen my spirituality. I have observed that an A's can often have a unique understanding/insight regarding one other. That said, we are all recovering at our own pace- it is possible your RA friend may deliver some valuable suggestions in the future... keeping in mind, of course, that we are all recovering to progress not perfection.

When, I am upset, Step 4 helps identify exactly the emotion I am feeling and why. I will remind myself that feelings pass and ask myself where I want to find myself after they do pass.

Then, I can identify what it is that I need. Often, I try and work solutions to my need with Alanon members to help ferret out honesty with possible motives and thoughts about my role. Sometimes there are concrete steps I can take to bring me to a better position of strength; mostly, I need to strengthen my spirituality and step up my relationship with my HP.

When I get stuck emotionally and have trouble unloading negativity, I start thanking my HP for things that I want as if I already have them. It feels uncomfortable at first, but when I persist and continue, I do start to feel the burden lifted. When I am able to continue to work this hard enough, miracles happen, something changes. I say 'when I am able' because I find this extremely challenging and I have a huge learning curve with this- it takes so much practice.

Sometimes my situation changes, often it doesn't, but something inside me changes that helps alleviate my suffering (huge) and the rest I try and just pray for.

Hope you continue to find serenity over the holiday weekend.

I can relate to final ultimatums.  I too was always on the cusp of threatening a final one myself.  I grew so tired of the sick cycle.   My first trip in Alanon was more like an information gathering six month trial session for me.  I thought it was a good place, took copious notes, and tried on my own to implement the tools of the program in my home.  Well, things like boundaries, and detaching with love weren't working out so well when I had no one to guide me through how to practice those spiritual principals.    So, life inevitably got too busy and I fell out of the program. 

The disease of alcoholism is a progressive one.  A few years after my info gathering session I came crawling back into the program and was ready and willing to listen and ask for help from another member.   The best suggestion my sponsor gave to me (which is in our daily readers) was to wait six months to one year before making a major decision in my life.  I was always a person that reacted to situations and events.  Her words of wisdom helped me because it gave me the time I needed to go through the steps with a sponsor so that I could discover what it was I truly wanted in my life.   I was able to make a choice from a place of peace in what I needed in my life rather than reacting to what was happening.  So today I have not found it necessary to practice final ultimatums mostly because they just don't work for me.

Thank you for sharing today.

Best, Tommye